[peacequest]

After being married for seventeen years my marriage ended in divorce seven years ago because my husband was verbally and physically abusive and ended up in jail for almost a year for domestic violence. However, it was the best thing that could have happened to him because while in jail he was diagnosed with bipolar illness, started taking medication and once he was released from jail he availed himself of a wonderful community mental health program that has monitored his moods, medications, etc. He has also qualified for social security disability and appears to be doing really well living in a subsidized apartment by himself. In the meantime, three four years after the divorce, I remarried. I still continue to be good friends with my ex-husband. I believe he is rehabilitated to the extent he can be but unfortunately, he will probably never be able to live with anyone. I still have a strong emotional bond with him, which my current husband understands. I want to remain friends with my ex because I believe he still needs me as a support person and I also need his friendship as we have known each other for going on 30 years. I am a seventy-two-year-old woman and have no sexual desire for my former husband, only a strong emotional bond. When I married my current husband he knew about the bond I still had with the husband I divorced and appeared to understand this unique relationship my ex-husband and I share. My ex and I are both writers and artists and have a lot to share with each other. My current husband is into sports, playing cards, and watching television, something that doesn't interest me. We have a working practical relationship with each other, but with both of us advancing in age our relationship is more companionate than anything else. We provide each other with security that we wouldn't otherwise have. The problem is my grown daughter. She feels I should not be friends with my ex-husband (not her father) and never wants me to talk about him. She feels it is morally wrong for a married woman to continue a friendship with an ex even though that friendship is strictly platonic. My current husband is not very expressive nor does he have a desire for emotional intimacy. In fact, when I'm upset over something and begin to shed tears, he gets very upset. He tells me he hates when a woman cries. So I bottle up my feelings with him, realizing he censors any emotionalism in me. Otherwise, he is a decent man. He just doesn't want to be bothered with emotional issues, such as feelings of loneliness, neediness, etc. My daughter doesn't appear to realize that at the age of seventy-two, I still have a need for affirmation, friendship, and understanding from someone my own age, which my ex-husband is.I don't want to spend my last years or months of life giving up this relationship as it means so much to me. I have quite a few health issues and my ex is always very supportive and understanding. All feedback in this forum will be welcome and greatly appreciated.

[~Christina]

I actually think what you doing is very kind and generous.

Your ex should be feeling blessed that you are willing to still be there for him.

I'm glad your husband is understanding.

There should be more people in this world like you ❤️

[fairydustgirl]

From what I know, from experience as well, there are many ex wives who are friends with or take care of ex husbands, especially if they are ill. My aunt took care of her exhusband when he had cancer and was dying. In my own case, it has taken some time, but I am still friends with my ex husband. We don't hang out together but we have both agreed that we are there for one another if we ever need it. He came with me to look at a house I want to buy, I was there for him for a previous surgery and will do so again soon as he is having another surgery. We have kids and a grandson together so we are always going to be in each other's lives in some way or another. We also had 30 years between us before we divorced. I can't pretend we never got married or that he never existed and I don't want to do that.
I think that especially at your age, having that support is very important, both for you and for him, the fact your current husband is agreeable helps too. Your daughter, I'm guessing remembers the man your ex H used to be and is proje acting her own fears/hurt about her relationship with him on you. As an adult, she needs to understand that what you do is your business, you are not a child and you know what you are doing. You know him better than she does, in a different way than she does. It's a boundary between parent and child that needs to be made, even though I'm guessing she is in her 50s. My mother had a friendship with another man during her 60s, I understood what my parent's marriage was like, and as my mom was a cancer survivor...I figured life is way too short to be lived without being loved. Her friend was a part of our lives until he passed away.
My own parents are in their 70s, live in a companionate way, in separate bedrooms...for other reasons but they are like brother and sister. They do things together and take care of one another. It works for them. Your relationship with your exH and current H works for you. Your daughter needs to look after herself.

[healingme4me]

I agree about your daughter needing to look after herself. Your husband is at peace about it. Your comraderie with your exhusband isn't so unusual. I know of several situations, myself included, where after the dust settled and time marched on a friendship grew and/or maintained despite the divorce. I share three sons with my ex husband. He's towards his mid 50's now, has had a health scare a couple of years ago, where to all of our surprise I grabbed the kids and arrived at his hospital bedside. He recently lost a younger sister to a heart attack. His father died young, when he was very young from a heart attack. My ex made his end of life directives clear to me recently, after his sister died. His immediate family wouldn't protest that, as I'm not just an ex, I'm the mother of his children.
As far as a source of support, there's things like talking about our kids or if something transpires with my immediate family, I can turn to him for understanding. I've no interest other than a sense of family, like a brother. I understand what you yourself are saying about the friendship that you have. Life is too short.

[peacequest]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I actually think what you doing is very kind and generous.

Your ex should be feeling blessed that you are willing to still be there for him.

I'm glad your husband is understanding.

There should be more people in this world like you ❤️

Thank you so much for your kind words. Actually, I feel blessed to still be in a relationship with him. I have seen him at his worst during our marriage and have tried for years to get him to see a psychiatrist because I was aware of some of the symptoms of bipolar illness, and he had many of them. Yet he needed to go to jail to finally admit he had a problem. His transformation is amazing. As long as he stays on his meds, he is a kindhearted person. His rehabilitation is a miracle. Yet most people who know him realize he is a bit different, some might say eccentric, and I don't believe he will ever have the capacity to be married to anyone as that might push him off the edge again. As long as he can live on his own, collects his disability checks he seems fine. Now and then I invite him to have dinner with my husband and myself, and every time he comes over we have a nice time. I will always be there for him because he is very poor and needs as much support as he can get. To me, he is like part of the family. I could never turn my back on him. There are so many unfortunate folks who have mental illness and no support. I want him to feel he can always trust me. But it is mutual. I trust him as well, but on one condition, he must listen to his psychiatrist and take his medications. Thank you again for your encouraging words.

[peacequest]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I agree about your daughter needing to look after herself. Your husband is at peace about it. Your comraderie with your exhusband isn't so unusual. I know of several situations, myself included, where after the dust settled and time marched on a friendship grew and/or maintained despite the divorce. I share three sons with my ex husband. He's towards his mid 50's now, has had a health scare a couple of years ago, where to all of our surprise I grabbed the kids and arrived at his hospital bedside. He recently lost a younger sister to a heart attack. His father died young, when he was very young from a heart attack. My ex made his end of life directives clear to me recently, after his sister died. His immediate family wouldn't protest that, as I'm not just an ex, I'm the mother of his children.
As far as a source of support, there's things like talking about our kids or if something transpires with my immediate family, I can turn to him for understanding. I've no interest other than a sense of family, like a brother. I understand what you yourself are saying about the friendship that you have. Life is too short.

I am so happy you understand about these kinds of friendships and feel encouraged to know that I am not the only one who has a close bond with my ex. You really do understand the brother and sister kind of relationship. Isn't it strange how relationships can transform? Even though the sexual attraction is no longer there, what replaces it is a kind of intimacy that far surpasses the sexual bond that once was there. This kind of agape love, the love we feel for friends and family, is as intimate to me as my very close relationships in childhood had been. Oh, how in childhood we could be the best of friends, become blood brothers and sisters, and promise a forever kind of love to each other (as children). Adults too often become jaded and lose their ability to love with the heart of a child, don't you think?

You are right, life is indeed too short, and I might add true friendship is something no amount of money can buy. I cherish what we were able to build from the dust of our failure.

Thank you. I am happy you too are friends with your ex and the father of your children.

[peacequest]

Originally Posted by fairydustgirl

From what I know, from experience as well, there are many ex wives who are friends with or take care of ex husbands, especially if they are ill. My aunt took care of her exhusband when he had cancer and was dying. In my own case, it has taken some time, but I am still friends with my ex husband. We don't hang out together but we have both agreed that we are there for one another if we ever need it. He came with me to look at a house I want to buy, I was there for him for a previous surgery and will do so again soon as he is having another surgery. We have kids and a grandson together so we are always going to be in each other's lives in some way or another. We also had 30 years between us before we divorced. I can't pretend we never got married or that he never existed and I don't want to do that.
I think that especially at your age, having that support is very important, both for you and for him, the fact your current husband is agreeable helps too. Your daughter, I'm guessing remembers the man your ex H used to be and is proje acting her own fears/hurt about her relationship with him on you. As an adult, she needs to understand that what you do is your business, you are not a child and you know what you are doing. You know him better than she does, in a different way than she does. It's a boundary between parent and child that needs to be made, even though I'm guessing she is in her 50s. My mother had a friendship with another man during her 60s, I understood what my parent's marriage was like, and as my mom was a cancer survivor...I figured life is way too short to be lived without being loved. Her friend was a part of our lives until he passed away.
My own parents are in their 70s, live in a companionate way, in separate bedrooms...for other reasons but they are like brother and sister. They do things together and take care of one another. It works for them. Your relationship with your exH and current H works for you. Your daughter needs to look after herself.

You are very aware and understanding. As you stated your mother had a friendship with another man in her 60s and you, as her daughter, understood your mother's marital situation. It is a wonderful thing that your mother was a cancer survivor and didn't succumb to the illness as my current husband's ex-wife did. She died of cancer at the age of 49. You also state your parents are in their 70s and sleep in separate rooms. I chuckled reading this because my current husband and I sleep in separate rooms as well. As I stated in my original post, I have many health issues and sleeping separately works fine for us. It is definitely a companionate relationship.

Yes, you guessed right. My daughter is in her fifties. She is 52, and I may have to gently remind her that she needs to stop interfering with my life. My God, whatever could I do wrong by having feelings of affinity and compassion for my ex-husband. He has actually become my best friend. I have helped him with so many things that make his life a little easier. And he helps me as well. Just a few days ago he fixed my computer. He's good at that kind of thing. My current husband gave my ex some money because he (my ex) had a bedbug problem a few months ago. Thanks to my caring current husband, we have kind of adopted my ex as a brother. I might add too that my ex is ten years younger than I, not that it matters, but perhaps we ought not to have gotten married in the first place as he's always treated me more like an older sister than a wife.

Funny thing is, I lost my little brother, who lived in Germany, to alcoholism. He was also ten years younger than I. I feel when we are kind to people, even if they are our ex-spouses, we are doing the right thing. How can love and compassion ever be wrong?

Thank you again for your insightful response to my post. I appreciate it so much.

[Bill3]

I may have to gently remind her that she needs to stop interfering with my life.

This.

(((((peacequest)))))