25 and living at home with toxic parent

About 4 months ago I had a complete mental breakdown after reading a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents. I was looking for help in dealing with my relationship with my absent father, but after reading the book I realized that my mother had also done a lot of emotional damage. Not thinking clearly, I immediately quit my job and moved back in with my mother (the place I was living before was not a healthy environment, but neither is my mom's house). I've spent the last four months more depressed than I've ever been in my life. I've had no car, no job, no money, and an adolescent dog ive barely been able to take care of. I have barely seen or spoken to my father in the past 10 years. When he does contact me, it's usually an attack on my mother for alienating his children from him (I've recently come to terms with the fact that he is somewhat right - they had a messy divorce and in a lot of ways she did alienate us from him). Now I'm kind of confused and torn between both of them. I have no idea which one to trust, and I've kind of regressed into a childlike state of dependency on my mother, which is not healthy. My younger brother also lives in the same house and is currently living in the dining room (although it's a 3 bedroom house one of the bedrooms is used as my mom's office and is extremely cluttered with useless junk and would take weeks to clear out). The rest of the house is also very cluttered and messy, which I can't stand. I feel resentful towards my mother and little brother (who is a selfish manipulative prick) and feel that there is no way that I will ever get better living here. I have no money to move out, but I feel like my dad might help if I asked, but I don't know if I want to ask for that. For one thing, I think he might legitimately have some kind of personality disorder and make unrealistic demands. Secondly, he just sold a building he inherited from his father and my mother is suing him for unpaid child support, and I don't want to get involved in that or screw it up for her. I've been thinking about changing myself constantly, but I don't think I have the guts to do it, although it is troubling how much the idea runs through my mind (I haven't really shared these thoughts with anyone). I just feel like I have to get the hell out of this house and have no idea what to do.

Hello and welcome to PC!

Do you regret quitting your job? It's interesting that you realized your mother did you a lot of harm, yet you went running back to live with her.

It sounds like you have a lot to sort out.

My mother did me a lot of emotional damage, but she is also a loving, good mother. Feelings can be very mixed.

Maybe you can help her for cleaning out the piles of clutter with her for starters.

This is a good forum to explore your feelings and get feedback.

Neither of your parents is ever going to do you much good. Just accept that, for whatever set of reasons, they could never get it together as parents. So it's up to you to save yourself. A father who didn't pay child support and didn't much bother with you for ten years is not going to give you money now. Your mom has mental health issues of her own.

You have two options: stay dependent on your mother, or get a job and depend on yourself. It's rough to not have parents who help you get started in life. But that's the cards life dealt you. You can sit around thinking about how your mom damaged you, or you can grow up, accept that somebody damaged her and take your own life into your own hands. That's real hard to do, and the odds are that you won't do it.

Get a job, any job. Show up there when you are supposed to and be careful with your money. Eventually, you can find some real inexpensive place to rent. Once you accomplish that, you'll be your own person.

Don't bother reading any more books on how your parents failed you with their inadequacies. You already know all you need to know about that. Start reading books on how do I get a job, how do I keep a job and how to I use my money wisely. Sign up at the Unemployment Office. They offer classes on how to get ahead. That's what you need to be focused on, if you want your life to change.

Yeah it clearly wasn't the best decision, but I was not in a good state of mind when I decided to move back in with her (I was definitely experiencing some psychosis - felt like I was losing my mind for a couple weeks). But I was not living in a healthy place before hand either. My therapist suggested that it might be a subconscious passive aggressive move against her, but I dont really think that was the reason. I just didn't really have other options. We definitely have a screwed up codependent relationship, i really feel like I need to get out of here ASAP and start living more independently, but I just don't know what to do. I keep looking at psychological articles online trying to make sense of my emotions and thought processes and what actually went wrong during my childhood, but it just seems to make me more confused. I can't seem to make even simple decisions anymore.
Also, I think it's important to note that I think my mom does what she considers to be in my best interest (most of the time) and is not a malevolent person, but I just don't think she's capable of being a good, emotionally supportive mother. I just feel so confused and hopeless right now, not just about my personal circumstances but also about the ****** state of American society. I just feel like I wasn't made for this world, and I can no longer co your living in it.

Having put things to you starkly, I'ld like to add that I do appreciate that you feel scared of what lies before you. However, you have more within yourself going in your favor than you realize. That instinctual, gut feeling you have that you need to get out of the home you are living in shows me that you have a lot of good sense. Your mind is able to boil everything down to what a central objective for you should be. That's a good sign. At age 25, emancipating yourself from being stuck in that house is probably the healthiest goal you coukd come up with. So you are leaning in what I think is the best direction you could be gravitating toward.

Just don't trade in one form of dependency for another. It is scary to not have someone else providing some security. Your mind will start thinking - "What if this? and What if that?" If you make getting out of that house your goal and commit to that goal, you have more power to attain that than you are giving yourself credit for.

Let go of trying to think how your father, or anyone else, is going to get you to your goal. You can get you to the goal. When you find out that you don't have to depend on your parents, it will be an amazing discovery. But changing your mindset from one of dependency to one of self-reliance is huge. It feels intimidating to you. That's only because it is new and unfamiliar. Keep thinking about it and let it become less unfamiliar. Keep picturing yourself on your own. Not jumping onto somebody else's coat tails, which you've already tried and it wasn't good. You don't have to go into another complete mental breakdown. Step-by-step you can figure out how to run your own show. Make up your mind that you won't settle for less. Right now, it's hard for you to believe that you are capable enough. That's a product of the environment you've been stuck in. Reject it.

Reread Rose76's posts twice each day and do as they say.

Memorize a few key passages and repeat them to yourself every day until you are free.

Hi, it sounds like your family is a bit dysfunctional. Please remember that you are not your parents. While you may have inherited genetic qualities from them and have been raised in the midst of their emotional immaturity, you have realized where you have come from and therefore already have more power in overcoming it. I'm not sure the specifics of your situation, but it really seems to me as though you need to find a way to make enough money to move away from them, since you feel they are the cause for some of the difficulties you are experiencing. That would give you even more power in this situation.

This was my first thought; living in a cramped environment cluttered with garbage must be a powerful downer. Solving this problem is something you can do for yourself and your mother and brother, and success might bring significant satisfaction and self-confidence. If your home will take weeks to clean out, make this Day 1... and please keep taking care of your adolescent dog!

Please realize that you don't have the parents you wanted, needed or deserved. Don't waste 20 years chasing ghosts. Find a way to become independent and take care of yourself. Re-home the dog, if need be.

Maybe consider a live-in nanny position and get back in school to upgrade your skills.
You can do this. You need to do this before you fall deeper into the hole your parents dug for you. Some won't like to hear this, but you are a poster child for divorce.
Big hug and good luck to you.

Do you have a YWCA there? My one has transitional housing for women until they can get on their feet at reasonable rates. Perhaps even finding a hostel for a month or two while you save. Approach your Mental Healthcare Association. They may be able to help with the costs of moving and security deposit. These associations usually have additional resources like lists of affordable housing and lists of employers friendly to the mental illness community.