[squirrelsahoy]

I have a long term relationship that began with us both cheating on our respective spouses with each other. I broke it off with him, but I continued seeing other people. We reconnected and I didn't tell him I was dating, he asked me point blank and I lied. I was a mess. He caught me in this lie, after we were back together, and there was a lot of drama about the lies about seeing other people. I also continued to text male friends, and he found out about that. Basically I handled the infidelity wrong wrong wrong and strung it out. We have also both left our spouses and moved on.

Since then, I have tried to rebuild trust with my boyfriend, to make right the infidelity. I have given him access to my social media, phone, email. But he's demanded much more. Because he is convinced that I was contemplating an affair with my former boss, he demanded that he listen to any meeting with a man in it. Eavesdropping. He berates me about every conversation I have with a man, no matter how cursory. Any expression that could be construed as enthusiasm or flirting is cause for a verbal barrage. And so on.

Earlier this year he became angry with me and sent a letter to a bunch of people at my employer detailing my infidelity and revealing that I had my phone connected during meetings so he could listen. This got me fired.

I was clear that I needed to rebuild trust. But am I wrong in thinking this goes past what anyone could demand and is abuse? It's so stressful to constantly worry about this. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Thanks for listening.

[butterflyflies]

I completely understand what you're going through, I've been through it (and go through it myself). However, I did not cheat or had any sort of infidelity whatsoever. I did lie though, and once I admitted to lying, I was in it to rebuild trust. My life has been a living hell filled with distrust, verbal and emotional abuse and absolute turmoil. It's been 4 years and he still doesn't believe me. I even took a lie detector test, only to be told 30 minutes later that I must have cheated and beat the test. Worst experience of my life. The verbal and emotional abuse turned physical, and ended up in the ER.
I also did everything he wanted to rebuild trust; I let him go through my phone, emails etc both with my consent and times he did it when I wasn't around, I sent him my location via GPS and my phone anytime I was at work. I sent him picture messages of me at work. I took phone calls during work, let him listen in as well. He even came to work with me more times than I can count so he can watch me (I freelance). I let him isolate me from any friends I had, I no longer have any. Anytime we have a disagreement, it becomes a blow out and I get called a liar. He feels entitled to do whatever he wants because I'm "the one who lied". So it's his free pass and he justifies it often.
Its been 4 years. I'm still the one that lied (and it was over a girls weekend camping trip on my birthday which he decided to not plan anything).
I tell you all of this because, sometimes, trust is irreparable. Some people with severe trust issues to begin with, will never ever ever trust you again, all though they may tell you they try. And sometimes their demands will get worse, and more severe.
From what you've said, the fact that he's already demanded to listen in on conversations at work leads me to believe that he will demand more and more of you, and nothing may be enough. I'm sorry you got fired from work because of him. That's terrible.
I too felt that I did enough, but I guess that's not up to me, he still doesn't trust me....but I understand your feelings, at what point is it too much?
I wish we could have talked to a professional, someone to help us, guide us through this, maybe that could have saved us from the insanity....maybe not.
Best thing, keep your cool, and if you choose to stay with this person and continue to attempt to repair this, live a transparent life-an open book, don't do anything else to continue his mistrust and definitely get some one to help guide you guys through it.
It may not work out, and like me, you could have lost valuable years in fixing the un-fixable.
And don't cheat anymore, don't get into relationships if you want to lead the single life.
Good luck.

[Skeezyks]

Hello squirrelsahoy: I don't know what to tell you about this. What you describe certainly sounds well over-the-top to me! It makes me wonder if perhaps this is simply a relationship that is damaged beyond repair. Only you know the answer to that.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Originally Posted by squirrelsahoy

Earlier this year he became angry with me and sent a letter to a bunch of people at my employer detailing my infidelity and revealing that I had my phone connected during meetings so he could listen. This got me fired.

This is some next-level aggression. If this wasn't illegal, it should have been.

[~Christina]

I think at this point your relationship doesn't stand a chance.

He will always demand demand demand you prove to him your loyal . You both cheated on your spouse together so he really needs to get over the fact you cheated which you made amends for.

I see your relationship only getting worse. Move on with you life sans him.

As Lefty said that was probably illegal.

You deserve better.

[Trippin2.0]

Both the OP and the first responder need to move on IMO.


These men are not allowing you attempts at rebuilding trust, they're using mistrust as a reason and justification to openly abuse you indefinitely.


Trust is an excuse for the psychological and emotional assault you're both being subjected to.


WHO ON EARTH IS WORTH SO MUCH TORTURE????

Why or how either of you think this is even remotely okay is beyond me.

Please ladies, do yourselves a hugeass favor by getting off the sales rack and increase your worth.

You deserve better. MUCH better.

Life is short. Don't waste your pretty.

[Crazy Hitch]

Unfortunately right now, you reap what you have sowed.

In having said that, I think it's best you move on from this check mate relationship.

[brainy]

You both are realizing what you've done, and rightly so.
However, at the same time I feel that both boys (yes, I purposely said "boys") have serious problems that you ladies are not responsible for. They need help that you two cannot give them. In other words, both of you need to break away from them for your own sanity.
It seems to me that these children (yes, I purposely said "children") are trying to make you pay for something that happened to them before you even met. Maybe it's a subconscious thing with them, yet even if it is it has nothing to do with you. For it's obvious that whatever it is has deeply damaged them, and now they're putting it all on you. They're damaged goods, and now are trying to make you feel like you're no good too. And from what you two have written, it seems you've bought the lie that you're no good too.
Get out before more harm is done!
Yes, as one poster here said, you're reaping what you've sowed. Yet, that doesn't mean you can't redeem yourselves. But it won't happen while you're with these toddlers trying on mens clothing!

[Bill3]

Do you see a therapist?

he demanded that he listen to any meeting with a man in it. Eavesdropping. He berates me about every conversation I have with a man, no matter how cursory.

A goal of speaking to a therapist would be to help you discover why you stay with this man and continue to endure his abuse.

Move on. You sound horrible for each other. Just not worth the drama. That's not at all how healthy relationships work.

[TiredPilgrim]

It sounds like your 'relationship' started out unhealthy (with mutual cheating) and only got worse from there.

You need to deep six this relationship and get into counseling. Find out why you cheated in the first relationship(s) and why you are allowing yourself to be punished and abused.

Your current BF is not willing to trust you or allow you a second chance. What he is doing does not resemble 'giving you a second chance'. That's not what this is. What this situation represents is him punishing you for your previous infidelity.

I also wonder if he 'doth protest too much'? Perhaps he is also cheating on you, and punishing you to keep you on the defensive? You stated that you both started out cheating on your previous SOs.

You need to get out of this 'relationship' and into counseling, honey.

[squirrelsahoy]

Thank you all for excellent advice. I did get counseling and I know why I cheated. I've been working really hard on the issues that led me to such selfish behavior, but you're also right about the unanswered question: why do I accept shabby treatment? I sorely wish we had seen a counselor together way back when my behavior was first revealed. I would have better understood truly how deeply hurt he was and handled the disclosure and subsequent rebuild differently from the start. I'm a bit stuck right now, but I can least feel like I'm not the one who is setting the bar too low for my trust-building. I need to get my ducks in a row on this relationship.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by squirrelsahoy

I have a long term relationship that began with us both cheating on our respective spouses with each other. I broke it off with him, but I continued seeing other people. We reconnected and I didn't tell him I was dating, he asked me point blank and I lied. I was a mess. He caught me in this lie, after we were back together, and there was a lot of drama about the lies about seeing other people. I also continued to text male friends, and he found out about that. Basically I handled the infidelity wrong wrong wrong and strung it out. We have also both left our spouses and moved on.

Since then, I have tried to rebuild trust with my boyfriend, to make right the infidelity. I have given him access to my social media, phone, email. But he's demanded much more. Because he is convinced that I was contemplating an affair with my former boss, he demanded that he listen to any meeting with a man in it. Eavesdropping. He berates me about every conversation I have with a man, no matter how cursory. Any expression that could be construed as enthusiasm or flirting is cause for a verbal barrage. And so on.

First, I'm confused. Is this boyfriend the one you mention in the first paragraph that you cheated with, on both your spouses? I ask this because first off, you didn't cheat ON HIM but mutually were in an adulterous affair with which he was equally guilty.

Second question is, you said you broke it off with him but continued to see others. you have every right to date other people since you broke it off. I'm interested in hearing more about this. You were less than honest with him but it's kind of grey whether you were "cheating" on him there too. He can call you on the fact that you didn't tell him you were dating others but keep in mind you were doing that prior to hooking back up with him anyway.

here's the thing. This is a messy situation in the first place. You're both in a difficult place with which to deal with being able to trust each other anyway. Considering what you've described, I don't hear much by way of what he's done to gain your trust even though you stated you are doing more than you should to gain his. (letting him listen in on meetings at your work is borderline illegal and hence understandable why you got fired) You should go out of your way to help someone to trust you but in a relationship it should never be one sided, especially when the other person has also proven to be untrustworthy in the past. This is not a mutual relationship, it's you bending over backward while the other person does nothing. That is, if your lack of pointing out he's doing anything is any sign of what he's done to prove his trustworthiness to you.

Earlier this year he became angry with me and sent a letter to a bunch of people at my employer detailing my infidelity and revealing that I had my phone connected during meetings so he could listen. This got me fired.

although your allowing him to listen in on meetings was a bad choice on yoru part, what he did here is adversarial and very much an attack on you, your life and work. Nothing in his sending this letter has anything about making a relationship work in it. This is not a man that wants to care for and support you anyway. Even leaving out anything that's happened in the past, there is no love here, only control, domination and anger.

I was clear that I needed to rebuild trust. But am I wrong in thinking this goes past what anyone could demand and is abuse? It's so stressful to constantly worry about this. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Thanks for listening.

you are not wrong, this is control and abusive behavior. Yes you were wrong initially in cheating and then lying to him about dating others. but you know that. This is not about your guilt, or wrong doing at all.

In a situation like yours, the only way there could be hope for this relationship is when both are repentant of their offenses, their deceit and wrong doing and desire to forgive and find forgiveness from each other.
seems to me that he feels no responsibility for having done the same things in his own life and feels he has the right to judge.

Just a side note, those that are the most adamant and vigilant about catching the other or accusing them of cheating or deceit are usually the cheater themselves. This is by experience. something to think about. are you sure he's not the one cheating here?

Originally Posted by squirrelsahoy

the unanswered question: why do I accept shabby treatment?

Because on some level you believe that you deserve it?

Originally Posted by squirrelsahoy

I need to get my ducks in a row on this relationship.

The relationship with the guy that got you fired? He hit you with a strategic nuke. Don't go back for any more of that. Duck season is over.

I am not a cheater. Ex Bf lived to cheat. And lie. Constant lies. Non-stop.

[Rose76]

I wouldn't call it abuse, since you're the one who dismantled your own boundaries by letting him listen in on meetings at work. That was foolish of you to do.

He was very wrong to write that letter to your employer, and look at the resultant damage - you lost your job.

Really, neither of you has any reason to trust the other. That might be fixable, but not in the way the two of you are going about it.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

You already got many good responses. So all im going to say is "run".