Broken it off

This is kind of just a rant about what has happened, because I feel like I need to let it out.

Last month, I met a guy at a party. He made it very obvious that he was attracted to me and said some creepy things, but I didn't really hold it against him because I knew he was very drunk. The next week, I met him at another party and we sat cuddling for ages, then we ended up kissing. After that, he messaged me and we started constantly messaging. I'm not looking for a relationship for various reasons - the issues I have make relationships very stressful, so I want to get them sorted before I get into a relationship; in the three relationships I have had, I've thought I liked the person but then ended up losing interest for some reason; I enjoy casual making out and am not ready to commit to one person yet. I told him I wasn't looking for anything, but that I would see him again, and he was fine with that.

He was a really nice guy and I was a bit attracted to him, but there was quite a big age difference (I'm 19 and he's 32), which I know can work for some people, but it was often in the back of my mind. I was worried that we may have been at different stages in our lives, so he might have wanted a proper relationship whereas I won't be ready for that for a long time. But we saw each other and had some good times. He was okay about me being nervous about sexual things and stopped whenever I felt uncomfortable. We kind of acted like a couple but we weren't official or exclusive (we agreed it was fine to get with other people, though he said he wasn't interested in getting with anyone but me) - we kissed in public and people started to ask what was going on with us. We both answered that we didn't know.

After a while, I found the situation made me feel anxious. I had a feeling he wanted a relationship and to go further with me, but I didn't want to be with him like that and didn't know how to tell me. I'm at university full time and on the committee for two societies, while he works and recently started college, so we're both busy. He'd always ask when I was free and, as soon as we both had no plans, he would want to meet up. Sometimes, though, I just wanted to stay in. I need my space and I need time to just do nothing. I didn't tell him that, but he didn't seem to think that I might feel like that. Also, if we couldn't see each other for a few days, he'd act like we hadn't seen each other for ages.

I went out to a club with some friends on Saturday and he messaged me to say he was coming (we both go to that club regularly and we now have a friendship group in common there who also go regularly). When he arrived, I was pretty drunk and spent quite a bit of the night making out with him. When the club closed, we went to somewhere else and then someone invited us for an after party, so I basically spent the night with him. We got a taxi at seven in the morning and he asked if I wanted to go back to his, but I told him I needed to sleep because one of my societies had an event on the Sunday, so I wanted to get some rest for that. He got annoyed at me because, apparently, I'd told him I was free on the Sunday. Bare in mind, this event had been planned for months - before I'd even met the guy. When I'd told him I was free, I must have meant we could hang out after the event , or I didn't consider it because he usually works until the evening meaning we often see each other quite late. In fact, I actually think I remember telling him about the event. He accused me of bailing on him, which really annoyed me. I told him that he can't really say anything because I'd literally stayed up all night with him, but he said I'd stayed up all night to get drunk rather than to see him. When we got out of the taxi, I was about to walk off and he said "Aren't you going to say goodbye?" - I gave him a half-hearted hug and said I'd see him whenever (because we can only see each other when we're both free, and we don't always know when that will be).

I went to sleep and, when I woke up, he said that saying we'll see each other 'whenever' sounds like break up talk (even though we're not together) and that seeing him may not have meant anything to me, but it meant something to him. I apologised and he replied something along the lines of "Seems we won't be meeting up today then" and said he was more interested in me than I am in him (which is actually true). He said I might think he's being unreasonable but, to him, he's being pretty fair about the situation. Then he said talking like that was making him sad and joked that I should come to his and kiss him. After that, we were talking like we did before. He never apologised. I feel guilty very easily, and I feel that he was guilt-tripping me.

Last night, I was out with some friends. I told my best friend about what had happened and showed him the messages - my friend said the guy was being controlling, possessive and manipulative. The guy messaged me to ask if I had plans for the next day - I said having a night in. He asked if that would be at his place - I said no. He asked if he could come to mine and I replied that I'd been around many people for a lot of time last week and that I needed some alone time. He replied "So we're not hanging out this week then?" with a sad face and I didn't respond. Then he asked if I didn't want to hang out with him anymore, so I said not like this because I can't be what he wants me to be and he wants something I can't give him. I said I just want to be friends and will see him as friends, to which he replied "It didn't seem that way on Saturday" (which I completely accept - I shouldn't have kissed him then change my mind like that), so I told him that our argument on Sunday made me realise that we can't carry on like that. He said hanging out as friends won't happen (I can't say I'm disappointed, to be honest) but that he would see me around at the club we go to.

I feel quite guilty because it's like I led him on, but I also felt like I got myself into a situation that was difficult to get out of. I'm worried that our mutual friends may think I'm a horrible person for how I've treated him, and that I might lose them. I'm not particularly close with them, but I have a good time with them and I don't want to feel uncomfortable when I see them at the club or anywhere, if they blame me for what happened. But mostly, I'm just glad I'm out of this situation. I feel like I always get into situations like this and end up hurting people. It's really bad, and I'm starting to think it's all my own fault.

This guy had a crush on you - big time!

You seem like such a genuine, caring person from what I can make out in your post.

My opinion is, you've done nothing to warrant this. At each step of the way, you were upfront and honest with him about where you stand in terms of commitment and relationships.

Whilst he may have "heard" the words, he may not have internalised them because he was so smitten with you.

Some people may have questions (your mutual friends) but common sense would tell any level headed person that you're in the middle of studying, you're on committees, you're 19 and he's much older etc etc. So let them wonder, or you could just explain yourself if they ever ask.

He's probably a little heartbroken but don't let that manipulate your into seeing him any more than you have to. You were right in not leading him on and being blatantly upfront all the time. Guess he just couldn't take no to no relationship seriously.

Thank you so much. I thought I was starting to like him at some point, but then I realised I didn't have those feelings and that he was just too much for me. I felt like I was leading him on because we did act like a couple without the label when we saw each other. But the situation with him was beginning to drain me and stress me out, as relationships usually do, so I'm happy to be done with it.