Mother Knows Best

So recently I've been having a heck of a time with my mother. I'm 23 and still living under her roof for the time being. (Not for very much longer with the way things are going). We've never been really close. Shes not the person I would go to with my problems. I find that whenever I talk to her she knocks me down more than picks me up.

Most recently she has been expressing her concerns for my relationship of six years with my boyfriend. I have not had any problems. I have a good head on my shoulders and know when a relationship is not going the right direction. I wouldn't have spent six years with him if he wasn't the man I plan on marrying. But she still insists on judging me for dating him for six years or questioning why he only has a few close friends or why I spend so much time with him. Stupid little things that she seems to think are concerning; but I definitely don't.

My happiness has always relied on the happiness of others around me. That's probably why I became a nurse. Everyone is always before me. So when it comes to my mom, if she's not happy I'm frieken miserable. It gives me so much anxiety to have to think about having to choose between my happiness and my mom's happiness. I fear for the day my boyfriend actually proposes to me because I don't know if mom will be happy.

I know this is a long post but I need the help. I want to learn how to start changing myself for the better and learning to value my own happiness for once. I don't even know where to start. Every time I try to ignore her critiques on my life I just revert back to thinking I'm not good enough for her and that I'm a dissapointment. I know deep down that I am good enough. I want that feeling to be present all the time on the surface. Not just deep deep down.

When you move out, things will be different. To a large extent.

My parents are in their 80's and I completely become a 12 year old when I see them...I am much better than I was, however. Because I don't stay with them long

I also put everyone else's happiness in front of my own. I believe it's a self-esteem issue. I am a perfectionist by nature and I never did well enough in my parents eyes as a child.

They are much better now, but the compliments were VERY tough to earn as a child.

BUT...I now know that that is their issue and not because I am useless. Logically, I know it anyway....

So, counselling might help you. Moving out will definitely help you, and that will happen soon. In the mean time, get it into your head that she has flaws and is not perfect. She will fight against relinquishing control of you to yourself.

The whole parent/child apron strings thing that you're going through is normal and will get better.
So give it a little time and when you have been out from under her roof/rules, see how you feel and regroup and revisit the issue.

You put it well when you said your happiness depends on the happiness of those around you. I can relate to that as well, and am dealing with issues with a sibling's health and financial situation that cause me no end of guilt as I try to help them to no avail. What I do that might help you is to write out what's going on and analyze it. A therapist taught me to write down my distorted thought [it's my responsibility to resolve my sibling's health issues] and then write down a realistic thought that challenges that thought [my sibling won't try treatments that will help]. I use Word and insert two columns and do this for as long as it takes to work through what's bugging me at the time. I've done this for 20 years now, and it really does help bring clarity to issues.

The other thing you need to do is move out as soon as you're able so you aren't in the role of the little girl living at home. Find a roommate or something so you can have some independence, and be willing to have a lower lifestyle so you can have your freedom.

I wish I had better advice for you-I hope you will be able to move out soon so she won't affect you so much You deserve happiness

Thank you everyone so much for the support and words. It gives me hope for the future knowing that I'm not the only one struggling with things like this.

A mother is a very important person in our lives in terms of influences, they shape and mould our opinions. On some level I can relate, I was a people pleaser, and growing up in my late teens and early 20s I only felt worthwhile if I got the pat on my back from my parents or their tick of approval.

I'm not sure how exactly this changed. But I know once I'd moved out of home and started living independently, it did change completely. If something makes me happy, I'll do it.

Personally, I think it is your mother who is causing this issue, by overstepping boundaries. Fact is, you're an adult and free to decide on whom you spend your time with and indifferences about your bf should probably be best kept to herself.

I hope you get to have a good conversation with her about this, and let her know how it upsets you when she goes on about him.

As far as she should be concerned, The only things that she should have a say in is whether or not you're doing anything to keep up your end of the bargain with regards to the living situation. If she expects rent, then you should pay them. her house rules should be abided by. I don't know if there are any issues related to this stuff but that's not important. I'm saying that her say in how you live your life should only be limited to her house rules and agreements you've made related to living expenses. outside of that you're just another independent adult living there.

Clearly you're not buddies or friends but roommates that happen to be blood relatives. somehow you have to make it clear that while you will respect her entirely subjective opinion, you're don't agree and are not obligated to conform to her ideas of what a good boyfriend should be.

Don't take it personally either. it's not about you. I feel that people that do this have ulterior motives more so than anything. If she's the type that tends to criticize anything and everything about others, you're an easy target right now because she knows you rely on her shelter for the moment. She uses that fact to feel superior and knocking down your relationship will potentially make you feel like less. Heck I'd venture to say that likely she has no legitimate problem with your boyfriend but is compelled to criticize in order to feel like, I don't know, the good mom giving advice? not sure what the motivation is but it's likely that any man you picked ot be with she'd do the exact same thing.