Men and their "Cave"

I put this here because it's about men, but if the moderators feel it should be moved, please feel free to do what you gotta do.

Men=Mars. Women=Venus. I'm sure the majority here have heard of that. Dr. John Gray made it famous.
Anyway, I think my honey is in his cave. Two weeks ago he called and one thing he said was (awww, too sweet): "I want to reassure you that there's nothing for you to worry about regarding our relationship." Awwww.

Then BOOM! Just like that he was gone...in his cave. No wait. The words were spoken on 9/18, his mother landed in the ER, he told his brother "I don't wanna talk to anyone" i texted him an encouraging scripture, then something else, he responded...ok after that the BOOM came.
Sooo, I have to be patient for technically he entered his cave since Tuesday, 9/27, one week ago. I guess. Or maybe it was 9/23 or 9/24 when he said he didn't want to talk to anyone.

Either way, he's depressed. Poor baby. Actually and not only him but I feel kinda sorry for the guys. Why? Because according to Dr. John Gray, whereas we women feel the need to talk our problems out, the guys don't. They sit and muddle, and muddle, and muddle until they feel they found a solution. Yet that can take DAYS!!! All we women do is find one girlfriend or even grab somebody off the supermarket line and start running our mouths, lol. Seriously! So by the time we get home with the bread and milk, we found a solution, if its only feeling better after sharing.
I'm loving it!

I don't buy into this mars venus thing, especially as Mr Gray's education is limited to fly by night correspondence schools and the like.

I agree that women gather together and talk about their problems while men brood about theirs silently.

Except for the brave souls on here.

Men acting like the strong, silent type seems to be partly just a social convention imo, but it also fills a need. There are times I really need to talk but then don't because I feel like I'm bothering people, and times I do benefit from just sitting and thinking things through. The former is not useful but I do it anyway, the latter seems helpful.

I'm a "cave" person myself, despite being female. It seems advantageous to me, because if you need to talk about your problems to feel better, won't it really suck if you can't find anyone to talk with? (Even if there are people who will listen to you vent without feeling upset themselves, judging you, or giving you dumb advice, confidentiality is sometimes a concern.) I think a small amount of cave-dwelling probably helps as much as the same amount of time spent conversing. Technically, neither option solves most problems; they just make you feel better.

Granted, I may be an extreme case since I have some trouble talking (neurological issues or something). Having to talk about my problems would actually be another problem on my list of problems! Some regional cultural differences might be at play too; I don't normally see people talking to others in the supermarket line unless they're sharing a cart, i.e. shopping together.

Pros and cons aside, it's good that you guys have an understanding of each other's preferences.

Doesn't the Mars-Venus philosophy say that women have a "well" they often go into when upset? It seemed pretty similar to the cave idea except you don't have control over whether you can get out.

Ive actually had see a reversal of this where is the woman that sits quiet. some men can babble and babble and babble. some women keep silent and silent. Guess thats why they're so good in the silent treatment.

Well I think having a quiet time to oneself is ok. For both men and women but not contacting ones girlfriend for two weeks is a bit different. I'd ask him what's up

Is it a level of disconnect that's troubling or a lack of emotional intimacy?

I agree. Much in his books makes no sense. I actually attended his lecture/presentation when he visited my town and most people I went with found it useless. I ran some ideas by men and they don't think it's valid. Much of this was maybe true in 1950. I also observe that women often justify bad or neglectful treatment by men ( or simply lack of commitment or interest) by "oh men are from mars". We are all from planet earth

I'm not ashamed to say that I own that book. I have read it. My SO has read it. Actually, my SO was the one who purchased it and read it first.

When my SO is sad or mad or whatever emotion he feels beside happy he becomes quiet. He is a very introverted person. In our case he has an actual "cave" he retreats to. When we bought our house I wanted to make sure he had somewhere he could go when feeling this way so we made him his own room/office. I still forget that this happens, though. The whole thinking everyone hates me the second they make eye contact thing. He has explained to me that when he retreats to his "cave" and I pester him...and pester him...and pester him....it's because he doesn't know what's upsetting him. He usually has no idea why he is feeling the way he is feeling. Or he doesn't realize how it's affecting him. That helps me understand.

Just to point out, I'm making him re-read the book. It really helped us understand eachother better but I think we have gotten away from it. Maybe have your SO read it. It's very hard for men to understand how emotional us women can be just as it is hard for us to understand how men can be so personal.

First off Ms.Ambrosia, bravo for you not feeling ashamed you own the book. I have a copy from the library, yet that's not good enough. So I'm planning on buying a copy. Oh and the "Mars and Venus on a Date" too. I feel just because someone doesn't like something, it's no reason for you to deprive yourself...as long as it's legal, lol. I'm that way with any reading material. I mean, who cares if someone thinks bad about it about or doesn't approve! If I want it I'm getting it. Period.
As a side note and this was funny to me. Long before meeting my honey, I found out my father has prostate cancer. So wanting information so it would put in a better position to understand my dad, I borrowed a book from the library. So I'm on a train on the way home, standing up and reading my book. No problem right? Are you kidding me? You should have seen my fellow passengers! They gasped, choked, gagged, etc! But why? All because me, a woman, was reading male stuff. Gimme a break! Get a life! I kept on reading. Oh well.

Anyway, he's in his cave. I will admit though that I'm having a complete fit! Yeah I know. John Gray says to not interfere as in wondering what he's doing, etc. Ok. So I'm not. Yet it's hard. Sooo hard. And I guess that's because as a woman I can only think as a woman (whattt...seriously?..I didnt know that...lol).
I have an online friend and it was she really who tipped me on this man cave thing. And now she's teaching me so much about it. We email each other every day, sometimes 2x a day, and i tell ya...she is so patient with me because there are times when I feel I want to say to him "forget you." And though she doesn't know him, when my bipolar, and OCD gets the best of me, so I start thinking of all kinds of crazy stupid stuff, she calls and calms me down, reasoning with me with reminders of what he used to say, and especially do such as have my back in the case of momma, (for instance, with what he said before he went into hiding about "I just want to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about regarding our relationship." Etc.
And she's right when I calm down and think rationally. For really, technically he began auditioning for the main character of Terri McMillan's book "Disappearing Acts" just last week..ok maybe a week and a half. Lol. Last night I "emailed" him a letter...a goodbye letter, saying, lol, how I love myself "some deep dark chocolate" yet I love medium chocolate too in the form of myself. Signed...Your chocolate kisses...but only if you still want a taste." Real stupid.
But my online friend? She had a fit! A complete fit!!! Calling me, emailing me "I REALLY hope you didn't send that letter!" I had to assure her, over and over that I didn't. She said "the thing is, neither you or I have any idea what our guys are going through, so we just have to be patient with them, and wait until they tell us what's up"

I even talked with an online counselor last night and she said basically the same thing, and this is someone who doesn't know me at all. When I mentioned how I'm thinking of forgetting the whole thing, she typed in, literally "Whoa! Not so fast..."

I've NEVER been through anything llike this. I'm not used to it. I have no patience. Yes I admit I'm spoiled. Years ago a girlfriend said one night "your problem is you're spoiled. These guys spoiled you. Gave you everything you cried and complained about." And she was right. Truly. Then she said "one day you're going to meet your match."
Well, it happened! And I'm having a boiling fit! Totally not used to it. Lol.

Venus is full of volcanoes and burning hot lava.

Ummm, vishva8kumara? No offense but, ummm...your point?

I'm burnt

I have started to hate the whole of womankind right now.

You're burnt. Ummm, you care to expand on that?

Oopps, looks like my question was late.

So you "hate the whole world of womankind right now."
So what happened?

After our daughter is born my wife got postpartum depression. But she refused to take any treatments. I was patient for almost a year, and she was still like that. She didn't even let me come close. She doesn't like me hug her.

Now the things are changed, but I'm still broken from inside. I can't explain this gloomy feeling inside me.

She tries to take all the money I earn. She constantly asks me what I'm doing with all my money. She suspects me for no good reason.

I'm sick of living like this.

And at the office, there is this phony girl who always chatters, and I cannot focus on my work.

All that is left me to go now is 6 feet under.

So many things happened between that and that. Even with my sister I have had bad time when I was younger, but I don't remember those repressed memories.

I wouldn't go to Facebook anymore, because I don't want to see my wife flirting with various guys.

I just do not understand any woman, and the only woman who ever understood me was my mom. And she is 100 miles away right now.

Vish, how is this related to the OP and the topic at hand?

Not related at all, I just said what Venus - planet is like, and went on explaining how I came to that perspective whenever I hear Venus..

Well it kind of derailed the thread conversation. You should make a new thread for your stuff, since the subject is kind of unrelated to this thread.