Partners parents disapprove, Interracial relationship

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. I'm 22 and he's 23. His family immigrated to the US when he was 5 and even here they are very involved in their cultural groups, church, etc. He is very rarely involved. His family prefers that he is with someone from their culture.
Even though he and I get along extremely well they would still tell him he should leave and would try to set him up while we were together.

I know it's extremely stressful for him when this happens because they will not leave him alone about it. They'll follow him around and pester /yell at him. It would be easier if he lived somewhere else however for the next year or 2 he cannot move out due to debts and them needing help.

About 6 months ago we had broken up, family reasons, and got back together secretly. But when he told them again the same thing kept happening.

About 2 months ago he had picked out a promise ring and we were discussing a future. Then a month after that he called off the relationship again due to family. Which once again did not last long. So now we're back in the secret phase.

Is it best to just keep it hidden until he's able to move out? Or is there another option? His family won't be accepting of it and they are not open to getting to know me. Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Idk about other people, but if it were me and for whatever reason myself or my partner buckled under the family / cultural stress (which I've witnessed firsthand can be brutal) I would opt for just keeping it quiet until their opinion had no affect on us.


There's no rule that says a relationship has to be declared as public knowledge and or shouted from the rooftops.


In fact, I kept my own relationship a secret for quite a while because I wanted to be sure its going somewhere, as I have a daughter to consider.

That's a serious issue, and it is important for you to think about your expectations for your future.
You're still very young to stress about this type of situation.

Thank you for your advice. I just worry about the possible long-term consequences. If we wait until he's moved out to tell them will they feel betrayed or lied to that he didn't tell them sooner? If so what kind of longterm effects will that have? Just concerns I have but not saying anything does seem like the best bet.

Well whether they feel betrayed or not is irrelevant and really their own doing at the end of the day.


He's an adult he doesn't owe them any explanation regarding his personal life, and he wouldn't hide the explanation if his parents didn't reject the truth.


I can't predict the long term effects, but either way you look at it, you two are in the dog house, so may as well just choose what works easier for you.

That's very true, thank you. That really helped

I respectfully disagree; we drafted soldiers to kill or be killed in Vietnam at age 19. The OP's boyfriend is 23 and old enough to balls up and resist pressure from his family if he is serious about the relationship. Moving to their own place will help, but if he still caves so easily under his family's pestering, she may have a problem. My parents were racists and didn't approve of my wife from a very different culture, and they weren't thrilled about several prior relationships (i.e., with a significantly older woman from a significantly different culture). At 23, if the OP's boyfriend can't stand by his choice of mate against familial static and cultural convention, then he should work on asserting himself.

I am a mentally ill contrarian and may have a developed a predilection for shattering expectations and conventions, so my advice on this matter may be worthless. Apologies to all involved.

(((Lefty))) "it aint easy bein green"

I think bob dylan wrote that...

By pester I mean they'll emotionally and verbally abuse him. He's pretty close to his dad, who had heart surgery a couple of years ago. His mom and sister will scream and guilt him by saying he's adding stress to his dad's life and will make him have another heart attack. Verbally his mom and sister will degrade and insult him.

I feel like not telling them is the best course of action, I'm just trying to find other perspectives on if not telling is the best way to go or not

Well, you either keep quiet about it and be happy now and miserable later, or you tell them about it and be miserable now and miserable later.

That's the way it is. You may never be accepted or be welcomed into the family (then again, they may grow up, and I hope they do).
If your boyfriend can deal with what he is/will be treated like, then he's for sure a keeper. That kind of stress is tough on a relationship and the whole mom/son/daughter-in-law (or future daughter-in-law) dynamic is a tricky one...