[Nameless]

Hi everyone. I'm new here.

I registered because I've been feeling quite miserable about various things lately, and I think I might need some advice.

Where to begin... Well, basically, about four years ago, I met this girl. We got to know each other, and things went on from there and before long we were inseperable. We got on astoishingly well - we had so much in common it was almost bizarre, and I was crazy about her. We soon became best friends, and we had the most amazing conversations about all sorts of things. I genuinely think that she was the most wonderful girl in the world - she was beuatiful, funny, intelligent, sweet and just generally amazing.
We got to the point where we'd sit for hours on end just talking to each other, making each other laugh, and sharing what was on each others' minds. She was my best friend, my soulmate, and my reason for living. She was the one person in the world I felt I could ever really talk to about absolutely anything, and at the time, she was just about my only friend in the world. I adored her more than anything else on earth, and for about two years I was blissfully happy despite some pretty major problems and other unfortunate events taking place in my life.

That is, until I was given the boot by life and became struck down with a heavy depression. It was the first time I'd ever experienced anything like it, and I felt entirely worthless and inadequate. I went to the doctor, and he offered me antidepressants, but I turned them down (I've never liked the idea of pills, and I'd heard from a friend who had had a bad experience with them). Anyway, a few months went by, and she started to notice that I was becoming more negative, and was constantly nagging me to cheer up. I didn't seem to be getting any better, and I never discussed my feelings with her because, although I felt more at ease with her than anyone else in the world, I didn't want to get her down (she was going through a stressful time herself).

Anyway, one day we had a disagreement about something (I was a miserable sod back then, and she was probably getting annoyed with my constant melancholy), and for some reason I suddenly felt totally unappreciated by her. I was certain that I meant nothing more to her than my pet fish did to me, and when I got home that evening I decided to leave. I wrote out a short note, and then I was gone.

That's the last I saw of her for two years. Of course, I immediately regretted it, and was often tempted to go back to her and see if she would forgive me, but I was so guilty and ashamed about what I'd done that I could never pick up the courage. Eventually the depression got a bit better, but the shadow of of the wonderful person who I had abandoned like a used lighbulb was always with me. I've felt more aware of my own loneliness over the past few years than at any other time in my life. My work has always demanded that I have to spend a lot of time alone, and I've never been particuarly good at making friends. I've always prefered to keep myself to myself, but since I abandoned the only real friend I've ever had, for the first time in my life I've known what loneliness feels like. I buried myself in my work, travelling to Canada, Belgium, France. I did other things, tried to keep myself occupied. But I could never get away from my own feelings of guilt and regret. About five months ago,various things started going wrong for me, and the depression came back.

Anyway, about three weeks back, I was... in her area, and was wandering about thinking of the good times we had, when I bumped into her, almsost literally. It was an arkward moment, and we stared at each other for a long while, and she smiled. Anyway, we decided to see each other again. We had a short chat, but she seemed very evasive, and didn't respond when I apologied for what I had done said how much I'd missed her, and seemed understandably distant and reserved. She said she'd be around, but since then I've only managed to speak to her twice. She rarely answers the phone when I call, and she seems to be avoiding me somewhat. It certainly isn't as it used to be. The "spark" we had together has died out, and she seems very cagey and evasive, especially when I bring up the subject of the old days. I've also seen her openly flirting with other guys in the last week or so, and disturbingly she seems to be closer to them than she does to me. She's never said it out loud, but unless I'm being paranoid I just get the impression that she's moved on, and dosen't really want to know me any more. She also said that she's going abroad to work in a few months, which means that this may be the last I see of her for quite some time.

Then last night it hit me what an idiot I'd been, and in one horrible instant I realised that things would never again be like they were, that the bond we had was broken and that she had changed. I would never again be that close to anyone. I had abandoned her because of my own idiotic self-pity, and all I had left were memories. I also knew that I'd never find another girl like her. I realised how stupidly arrogant I was to just swan back into her life after two years and expect to pick up where we left off.

I've been approached by other girls a few times since I left her, and I've turned down all the offers, including one from a spectacularly attractice young girl who often attracted wolf-whistles whetever she went. Everyone else just seems so bland and dull after what I'd experienced. And in that horrible moment, I knew that there was no real point to my life any more. I had recently lost my job, my career is pretty much ruined, I'm almost broke and may be evicted from my house soon. This business has just put the icing on the cake. I despise myself, and I've recently started wondering whether it's worth going on with life at all. It just all seems so pointless. I had the most wonderful girl in the world, and managed to mess it up because of my own incompetence.

Anyone got any ideas what I should do? As I say, I dislike the idea of antidepressants, and I don't really feel up to telling all this to a therapist.

Thanks for listening.

Jim

[LookingForMe]

Hi Jim. I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly. Heartache is such a painful experience. And depression makes it that much harder to bear.

I'm going to be a little bold now, Jim and tell you that as badly as you feel, try to find some satisfaction in the fact that you felt this way about another person. It means you are capable of loving and loving deeply. What a wonderful gift you have to give.

As for antidepressants, don't let them scare you off, Jim. You won't turn into a zombie or anything. They just help you get things back in perspective to some degree, I find.

<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley