[periwinkle2284]

I have been working with my boss for two years. We had some very rough patches, and a screaming match in between. However, we both agreed to work on our professional relationship better.

However, I noticed these past few months, he was getting more and more comfortable with me. We sometimes talk about our personal lives as well. He also seem to open up to me more which I attributed to him trying to get close to me. But there are some actions that I was already awkward with. For example, before my competition, he suddenly hugged me in front of my subordinates, which I shrugged off. He also started massaging my back as well. It only happened one time, but all of us know that my boss is not a touchy feely, friendly boss, that's why his actions surprised me And my colleagues.

Then the other day, things got weirder. He was asking me if we cAn go out for coffee during lunch for a one on one talk. Then when I didn't reply right away, he messaged me again, saying that I don't need to worry about his ex-girlfriend(which also works in the same office), and that nothing is going on between them. I was so surprised coz it came right out of the blue. I decided to ask my other colleagues that are under him if they received the same invite, but they said, with them, they always go out as a group. With me, this is the second one on one meeting invite I received from him. I decided not to accept the one one meeting outside and told him I'm still busy and can we do it in the office instead.

However, when we had the one on one meeting in the office, he's saying things like "you're photogenic, coz I looked at your wechat photos and you look good there." And he wants to use me as a model of a promotional poster of our team. After that merting, I suddenly realized that there's a that he might like me. The problem is, I don't like him, period. Usually, when I don't like a guy, I just avoid him, but since he's my boss, I know that isn't possible. I want to talk to him about boundaries, but first, I would like to make sure that his above actions really show that he likes me, or if he's just friendly with me..also I need advice on how I can talk to him about setting professional boundaries without offending him?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as my career might be on the line here. Thank you!

[Pete Sassafras]

He definitely seems interested in you, though I cant say whether its what you'd call "honest intentions" or something less ideal. Are you interested in him, and if so, to what degree? I'd advise treading carefully, as office romances can easy go awry, and it sounds like you two have had your issues in the past. Hopefully he has good intentions and will respect your decision towards him, whatever it may be.

[healingme4me]

I'd proceed with great caution, not only is this the workplace, but there's also a power distinction. Of any workplace romances, which are rare, that I know of, involved different sites or departments.

"Investigate your hidden assumptions."-Cornel West

I see you are from Manila, I apologise but I don't know about employment law in your country. I do know in the UK there are strict policies about this kind of thing to protect employees and if he were doing as you describe here he would be facing disciplinary action at the very least. If you are unsure as to your employment rights I'd recommend reading up, checking out your employment contract and also reading up on your country's employment laws.

Is there a human resources department you can take this concern to? Or failing that does your boss have a boss you can report him to? This might sound a little strong but if he is giving you unwanted attention you have a right to work without these unwanted comments/attention.

You know the situation best however, and from what you've written (screaming matches) he sounds volatile (managers should keep calm at all times) so yes best to be very cautious in how you handle this.

If you choose not to report his behaviour I can only suggest casually mentioning a boyfriend (even if imaginary), this may be dishonest but could be enough to put him off.

[periwinkle2284]

Originally Posted by Pete Sassafras

He definitely seems interested in you, though I cant say whether its what you'd call "honest intentions" or something less ideal. Are you interested in him, and if so, to what degree? I'd advise treading carefully, as office romances can easy go awry, and it sounds like you two have had your issues in the past. Hopefully he has good intentions and will respect your decision towards him, whatever it may be.

hi.. unfortunately, I'm not interested in him.😟 I know him to some extent, and based on his history with his girlfriends, he seems to have good intentions with them, but the rough patches we had in the past definitely shut down any idea of me even dating him. I'm just stumped on how I can politely turn him down, without offending him since I work with him closely..

[periwinkle2284]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

I see you are from Manila, I apologise but I don't know about employment law in your country. I do know in the UK there are strict policies about this kind of thing to protect employees and if he were doing as you describe here he would be facing disciplinary action at the very least. If you are unsure as to your employment rights I'd recommend reading up, checking out your employment contract and also reading up on your country's employment laws.

Is there a human resources department you can take this concern to? Or failing that does your boss have a boss you can report him to? This might sound a little strong but if he is giving you unwanted attention you have a right to work without these unwanted comments/attention.

You know the situation best however, and from what you've written (screaming matches) he sounds volatile (managers should keep calm at all times) so yes best to be very cautious in how you handle this.

If you choose not to report his behaviour I can only suggest casually mentioning a boyfriend (even if imaginary), this may be dishonest but could be enough to put him off.

hi prefabsprout.. yup, I have checked our policies but I'm not sure which policy it falls under. I'm not interested in dating him, so the IOR policy doesn't apply. I wanted to take the conservative route first though, see if he backs off himself, before I move on to something bigger (like going to hr), since our office politics here in Manila is very evident, especially my manager has a leg up with the head manager.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

I'd say he's interested. And he's known for dating another woman in the office. Yea he has problems with boundaries and I would be put off.

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[TishaBuv]

Yes, it sounds like he's interested in you. I would keep it totally professional and act like you don't notice his interest, but don't go out alone with him. If he outright makes a pass at you, then I would tell him you don't date where you work and the discussion about boundaries.

[periwinkle2284]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes, it sounds like he's interested in you. I would keep it totally professional and act like you don't notice his interest, but don't go out alone with him. If he outright makes a pass at you, then I would tell him you don't date where you work and the discussion about boundaries.

thank u!🙂 all i need to figure out now is how to keep rejecting his one on one lunches that he keeps passing off as "official boss-employee bondings" without offending him, coz he's asking me about that on a daily basis, and I keep putting it off and making excuses.

[TishaBuv]

I'd ask him who else he has taken to lunch to have an official bonding experience. Then when he can't come up with an answer, I'd say that you like your job, like him as a boss, and don't want to mess things up by getting overly familiar- it would seem inappropriate. Then if he keeps pressing you, get more firm, tell him you are not interested in him. If he still doesn't back off...IDK, you'll probably end up having to get another job.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

Originally Posted by periwinkle2284

thank u! all i need to figure out now is how to keep rejecting his one on one lunches that he keeps passing off as "official boss-employee bondings" without offending him, coz he's asking me about that on a daily basis, and I keep putting it off and making excuses.

My idea of bosses bonding with employees would be an employee party where everyone is invited. A one on one is showing favor and may set other employees off as well as starting a rumor mill.

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[periwinkle2284]

Originally Posted by RxQueen875

My idea of bosses bonding with employees would be an employee party where everyone is invited. A one on one is showing favor and may set other employees off as well as starting a rumor mill.

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I agree. That's why I kept putting it off especially when I asked some of my colleagues under him if he's doing the same thing with them, and they said no. I knew deep in my gut, there's something wrong with that picture, no matter how innocuous his reason for doing so might be

[Crazy Hitch]

Sounds like a bit of a crush ... How soon can you put your resume elsewhere?

[periwinkle2284]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Sounds like a bit of a crush ... How soon can you put your resume elsewhere?

LOL.. earliest by end of this year, since I'm also handling employees myself so I need to train someone to take my place if ever

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by periwinkle2284

LOL.. earliest by end of this year, since I'm also handling employees myself so I need to train someone to take my place if ever

Okay glad to hear there are other avenues out there for you

[periwinkle2284]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

Okay glad to hear there are other avenues out there for you

I think I need to do this soon.. he did the massaging my shoulders thing again in front of my subordinates and this time, I really shrugges it off and told him to stop it. Then I learned from a friend who's a co manager of his that he keeps telling her how much he admires me and my independence, how strong I am and he's surprised that a girl like me still exists. I feel he's getting deeper and deeper and I don't want him to get to a point that he might not be able to stop
himself, and I don't want to totally destroy our professional relationship as well. best for me to just look for another job.

[Bill3]

I am really sorry that you have to deal with his inappropriate and totally-out-line behavior. You would not consider seeking recourse within your organization?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by periwinkle2284

I have been working with my boss for two years. We had some very rough patches, and a screaming match in between. However, we both agreed to work on our professional relationship better.

However, I noticed these past few months, he was getting more and more comfortable with me. We sometimes talk about our personal lives as well. He also seem to open up to me more which I attributed to him trying to get close to me. But there are some actions that I was already awkward with. For example, before my competition, he suddenly hugged me in front of my subordinates, which I shrugged off. He also started massaging my back as well. It only happened one time, but all of us know that my boss is not a touchy feely, friendly boss, that's why his actions surprised me And my colleagues.

Then the other day, things got weirder. He was asking me if we cAn go out for coffee during lunch for a one on one talk. Then when I didn't reply right away, he messaged me again, saying that I don't need to worry about his ex-girlfriend(which also works in the same office), and that nothing is going on between them. I was so surprised coz it came right out of the blue. I decided to ask my other colleagues that are under him if they received the same invite, but they said, with them, they always go out as a group. With me, this is the second one on one meeting invite I received from him. I decided not to accept the one one meeting outside and told him I'm still busy and can we do it in the office instead.

However, when we had the one on one meeting in the office, he's saying things like "you're photogenic, coz I looked at your wechat photos and you look good there." And he wants to use me as a model of a promotional poster of our team. After that merting, I suddenly realized that there's a that he might like me. The problem is, I don't like him, period. Usually, when I don't like a guy, I just avoid him, but since he's my boss, I know that isn't possible. I want to talk to him about boundaries, but first, I would like to make sure that his above actions really show that he likes me, or if he's just friendly with me..also I need advice on how I can talk to him about setting professional boundaries without offending him?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, as my career might be on the line here. Thank you!

Let him know your boundaries and that you are not interested in dating him or anything romantic. It matters not whether you're right or wrong, if you wait til he makes more overt moves toward you that clearly show he likes you, it maybe even harder to tell him how you feel. If you're wrong, it will be no big deal and if he's a decent guy he will apologize that he came off that way. If you're right its still a good thing as he will have the answer and hopefully not pursue further.

[Wronged]

Your boss is probably going through a rough patch. Mid life crisis? Cheating wife? who knows...

If he is not his usual self probably it is more about him then you.

If you don't like it just have a small direct conversation about it and finish it?

[periwinkle2284]

Originally Posted by Wronged

Your boss is probably going through a rough patch. Mid life crisis? Cheating wife? who knows...

If he is not his usual self probably it is more about him then you.

If you don't like it just have a small direct conversation about it and finish it?

he'a single, so one less immoral thing to worry about. I'm not really sure what's going on with him, but he did tell me that he's having a bit of a health issue. how do you think I can open the convo with him without both of us feeling awkward right after?

[periwinkle2284]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I am really sorry that you have to deal with his inappropriate and totally-out-line behavior. You would not consider seeking recourse within your organization?

not really, since I've been toying with the idea of resigning for half a year now. I guess the current situation would just clinch the deal for me to look for another opportunity outside the organization

[nicoleflynn]

I would keep it simple and tell him that you want a professional relationship....only.

[periwinkle2284]

just an update.. I already gave my boss final notice that I'll be resigning end of the year. He's still being weird though(like still complementing my looks etc). Weirder is, when we were talking about succession plans, he started off the conversation like this:

" I love you -- I love having you around."

I was surprised but I just shrugged it off since I'm resigning anyway. However, according to my friend, it must be slip of the tongue, and it might really be what he's feeling towards me. This is te first time a boss said something like this during a one on one meeting to me, even if it is accidental. And it didn't stop me from feeling awkward nonetheless towards him. should I talk about this to him?

[TishaBuv]

It sounds to me like the whole thing went very well for you. He did not pressure you to have sex with him, and you stayed at the job for as long as you wanted to. It sounds like he feels great attraction and love for you, but he did not act inappropriately about it, forcing an affair on you. So I'd say all is well.

No, don't discuss it. Leave well enough alone.

[seesaw]

If they give you an exit interview, I would definitely bring this up as an issue that helped you decide to leave. They need to know about it.

seesaw