Confused by her...Please help me understand.

Hi everybody,

It's been a while since I have posted on here, last I posted my girlfriend and I had broken up back the end of July, after some heated discussions, and her telling me about a month after we broke up, she had a "crush" on some guy (yes she and I are lesbians). we had another heated discussion and she spouted off and told me "she was done with women, it wasn't working for her anymore." (btw- her and this guy aren't talking anymore. it was an online thing.. infatuation.)

After no contact, for a couple months, she and I started to exchange emails back and forth and had pretty cordial dialogue, we had agreed that when we broke up we wanted to try to eventually be friends, and I thought this was what we were working towards.

She then started telling me about how she was having such a hard time dealing with all the bills, and was accumulating more credit card debt because after she paid what bills she could she had to use credit cards, and taking care of the house was stressful, that she was depressed, stressed ,unhappy. She drinks to much, and has started to smoke again..She said she felt like she was drowning, literally drowning. I told her I would be there for her to do whatever I could, I knew I couldn't do much but I could be a ear to listen, or shoulder to lean on, and she told me she knew the breakup was her fault and she had to live with the circumstances. She just kept saying it was all her fault, that it wasn't my problem anymore...She just kept saying, I'm sorry...

After us talking for a couple weeks off and on through email like this, and upon suggestion of my therapist, I decided I just wasn't quite ready to be friends yet, it was just a little to soon, it still hurt to much, and I told her we needed to continue with no communication for the time being, but it was only temporary until the hurt eased up more.... a couple days later I received a very angry reply email from her saying... that my email had pissed her off, and that she felt I waited until she was at her weakest point in her life to take advantage of it and stab her in the back, so here was my knife back, there would be zero communication ever... and she said Goodbye..

Needless to say it made me feel bad and I apologized and assured her that I was not trying to take advantage of her weakness, or stab her in the back, that was not even on my mind, I never would have done or would do anything to hurt her intentionally. and it killed me when I did hurt her. and that she should know me well enough to know I would never do that..I told her I was very sorry and ask her to accept my apology.

She never did reply to my email asking to accept my apology, but after a few weeks, we did exchange some misc emails back and for nothing serious...

Over the last week, I have written her a few emails and told her how I still feel about her, I figured what have I got to lose, I have told her how much I love her and miss her, what she means to me, and has always meant to me. Things I miss about her. things I miss about the relationship, literally poured my heart out to her. I've told her I know I made my fair share of mistakes, and I have learned from therapy so many things. I told her that I just wished that at some point she would let down the walls she has built around herself and her heart and try to consider us working our way back to one another, and slowly try to start over over time.

Her most recent reply to me was, I don't know what to say. I can't do this right now. I can't say what you want to hear. I'm sorry. I can't make this into something you want to happen. I cant. you said you weren't ready to be friends and I'm not either.

I'm just confused by her, and by her most recent reply. Does she still feel for me, but is closed off and doesn't want to admit it? How do I take it?

Maybe someone can give me some insight.

Tbh I'm confused too Why did she say that you "stabbed in her back"? What have you done? Accordin to this post, you didn't do anything with her.. you've just said that you were there to support her. What happened to make her so angry? It looks like you've explained it pretty well to me

I guess she felt I stabbed her in the back because when she is feeling so down and depressed and unhappy, and having such a hard time with the bills and all, because I felt like it was too soon for me to try to be friends yet.. and I told her that... I guess she felt I stabbed her in the back by telling her that, I guess in her mind to try to get back at her for breaking up with me.

What I want to ask you is this. Your T said that she and you agree that the time wasn't yet right for you to be friends. Do you really feel that, because your repeatedly sending emails is stating otherwise. I am not pointing the finger at you as if you are doing something so wrong but that it seems to me that there is quite a bit of confusing in how you feel about your ex, yourself. In less than a few paragraphs you've given good reasons for why you aren't ready to be friends but then by the end it sounds like you almost want her back. So I'm a bit confused here too. If you're not ready to be friends, to put it bluntly it matters very little how she perceived your emails or stated decision not to talk.

What YOU need to do is decide. Is it that you want to turn off communications or not? You are saying this but then you are bothered by the fact that she's not responding to your repeated attempts to get a response. You should honestly not expect one when you said you chose not to be friends. Honestly ask yourself, do you keep trying because she is now the one that seems to have cut off communication rather than you? I don't know if that's the case or not but it's a good self-observation to make. What is prompting you to keep pursuing?

On the other note about you backstabbing, that is simply her lashing out, because it probably upset her that you said you want to stop talking for now. It's very meaningless, words meant to cut you not anything more. Let it go.

But decide what you want to do, with regards to communication. If you want to stop talking then stop talking to her even the one sided emails that are never responded to. If you want to continue with her then do that but you have to stop giving mixed signals.