[Stuck1nhead]

So I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone last night. Somehow I made a sexual flirt and she starts freaking out that I'm only with her for sex. I felt really hurt when she said that actually and kind of mad. I always thought I was just harmlessly flirting and teasing her. Throughout the day I will make multiple sexual remarks and try and get a flirtatious response. I never do since she is so inexperienced due to her past abusive boyfriends. But she will unknowingly tease me by saying "when I'm on my monthly I get really horny" and/or "I feel so frustrated (horny) today". When I respond with a comment on how we can solve her problem she gets really quiet.

Our sex life is unusual. She is not on the pill yet so we're limited to oral and hands. She seems to be very happy with my work when I pleasure her. However I have a hard time getting off because of my Prozac. So before I'm even close she complains about a sore jaw and tired hands. Which leaves me to relieve myself or get blue balls. I know she tries hard to satisfy me, and I actually feel really bad because I know it upsets her when she can't. At this point we've fooled about 5 times and I always satisfy her, but I have never been satisfied. So I will say that I'm very frustrated and because of this it's on my mind a lot. But I'm not constantly sending her d-pics, sexting, or trying to guilt her.

Honestly before we even had sex I had a feeling that my sex drive was a lot higher then hers. I asked her how much she thinks about sex and her response was "more now that I'm with you". Then it somehow led to her mentioning how she has never enjoyed masturbation. In my mind I was thinking she's lying, but when we fooled about the evidence seemed to support her claim. I'm not sure how to approach the difference in our drives without coming off as perverted.

[Artchic528]

While I understand your frustrations, you have to understand that anyone coming out of an abusive relationship will need time and a gentile approach to things like sex. It sounds as if your trying, but there things you could be doing for her that you aren't right now.

If she doesn't like you flirting that way with her, then by all means, respect her and stop doing it. She has been abused and such remarks could be triggering to her. Being in a relationship isn't all about you, but about each other. It seems you need to talk to her more about how you feel, and about how she feels.

[Stuck1nhead]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

While I understand your frustrations, you have to understand that anyone coming out of an abusive relationship will need time and a gentile approach to things like sex. It sounds as if your trying, but there things you could be doing for her that you aren't right now.

If she doesn't like you flirting that way with her, then by all means, respect her and stop doing it. She has been abused and such remarks could be triggering to her. Being in a relationship isn't all about you, but about each other. It seems you need to talk to her more about how you feel, and about how she feels.

We do talk a lot about our feelings and we love each other very much. I told her if she ever felt uncomfortable with my level affection that she is too be blunt and tell me. Which she has done a couple times and I stopped immediately. So I've been going off her response. I do feel a bit selfish at times, because i know she is a tolerating it a bit for my sake though. I love her and want to see her happy. So when she is depressed I can't help but want to show affection.

She hasn't told me not to flirt like that. She has bipolar 2 and I know she was bullied in highschool a lot. Which ended up with her being in a mental hospital for a month. Then her last two and only boyfriends were abusive and I would love to meet them. So when I hear all this I feel like she needs to a warm heart and teddy bear to cuddle (me). I've been through similar circumstances as her and I would've loved it if someone walked up too me. Asked me if I was okay and even if I said yes. They would know I was lying and hug me. Her life has been devoid of affection for so long that I feel that she is owed more than I'm used to giving. So I push myself to give more

[Bill3]

When I respond with a comment on how we can solve her problem she gets really quiet.

Instead of thinking of ways to solve a problem, consider simply being with her in the problem. Showing understanding and nonjudgmental acceptance.

Here, you might say: "Right now you are feeling a lot of desire." You show her that you understand her and accept where she is.

Throughout the day I will make multiple sexual remarks and try and get a flirtatious response. I never do since she is so inexperienced due to her past abusive boyfriends.

I think it would be a good idea to stop doing what is not working.

Are you sure she is just "inexperienced"? If she has been abused, she might be afraid of sex, and/or triggered by it. What sort of reaction do you get from her when you want to initiate sexual activity? Does she seem eager, happy, excited, indifferent, concerned, reluctant, scared, unwilling? How would you describe her reaction?

She hasn't told me not to flirt like that.

Yes she has. If she wanted you to keep doing it she would give you the flirting response that you are looking for.

Which ended up with her being in a mental hospital for a month.

She has been enormously hurt and has suffered a lot.

So when I hear all this I feel like she needs to a warm heart and teddy bear to cuddle (me). I've been through similar circumstances as her and I would've loved it if someone walked up too me. Asked me if I was okay and even if I said yes. They would know I was lying and hug me.

My suggestion is to not look at what you would want and instead to focus on what she might want. If she has been bullied and abused to the point of spending a month in the hospital, she might be much more uncomfortable with touch than she lets on. As you said, I do feel a bit selfish at times, because i know she is a tolerating it a bit for my sake though.

There are gentle, loving, nonthreatening ways to help an abused, wounded person start to become more comfortable with touch again.