[Only_Human1983]

I first started suffering from depression or severely low moods about 6 years ago.

Over the last few years, my bouts of depression have become more frequent and I've lost friends and relationships because of it. I find myself looking back to when I was happy and yearning for that again, but I know deep down that will never happen. I've become someone that I hate and I feel like such a failure. I used to be someone that more or less everyone liked and now I feel like most people dislike me and don't want to be around me. I get irritable when I'm depressed and I don't want people to think I'm a horrible person.

I got myself into debt (which I'm still paying off) and although I'm managing to hold down two jobs, I am just struggling to see the point in living. I feel like I just exist and will never have a purpose or anything to look forward to in the future.

I have thought about suicide so many times but I'm scared. I'm scared of the pain, my parents finding me and if it doesn't kill me, but I just want it to end. I can't keep living like this.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

I get irritable when I'm depressed and I don't want people to think I'm a horrible person.

Same here, and I think my irritability stems mostly from fear and anger because I might never again know life as I had once perceived it or had at least believed it would/could be. Rose bushes have thorns, and there are many days when I feel stuck in the brambles...but I refuse to "give up" for just as long as flowers continue to bloom.

[Ukny96]

Don't ever give up. No matter how bad things might feel, there's the likely possibility you'll find light at the end of the tunnel. I know how tough times feel and its especially hard when others around us seem more relaxed and (relatively) stress free. These folks don't understand how we feel so often we carry these burdens alone. Stay strong.

[Only_Human1983]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

Same here, and I think my irritability stems mostly from fear and anger because I might never again know life as I had once perceived it or had at least believed it would/could be. Rose bushes have thorns, and there are many days when I feel stuck in the brambles...but I refuse to "give up" for just as long as flowers continue to bloom.

That's exactly how I feel. I'm struggling to see the point in carrying on right now

[Crazy Hitch]

I am sorry it's so hard right now

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

That's exactly how I feel. I'm struggling to see the point in carrying on right now

There are many times when it seems there is nothing to be gained by struggling on through yet another day of bushes and brambles, but I have yet to discover the complete absence of relief or something better around the next corner or over the next rise or whatever. I happen to be someone who trusts our Maker to never abandon or forsake us, and I am certain that faith is what keeps me going...but I am also certain the "something betters" are there for everyone willing to try to keep moving toward them. None of this guarantees having a reason or a point for carrying on, of course, but maybe carrying on anyway will eventually reveal or provide a reason for doing so.

[wildflowersinmytea]

Sorry that you're going through this. Do you think talking to a therapist, medication, adopting a pet, exercise, or joining a faith community could help?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm really sorry.. it's hard

[Only_Human1983]

Thank you for all your replies. I just feel that depression has made me into someone completely different. Someone nobody wants to know because I'm 'down' a lot. I feel like I'm a boring person and no guy will ever want me. I used to have hope and be happy most of the time. I used to be attractive and get loads of guys but now I just feel fat and ugly and that nobody will ever want me.

I know I rely on my mum and Dad way too much, but they are all I have.

[divine1966]

I just lost close family member to suicide. It's been pure horror for everyone he knew and was close to. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Please seek help every way possible. When life feels pointless find someone less fortunate and help them. Volunteer etc seek groups, talk to your doctor etc Please hang in there

[Only_Human1983]

I know people would be sad, but they would get over it. The only person that ever stops me is my Dad because he's told me before that it would kill him. But it angers me that everybody expects me to live for them, not to upset them, but what about the daily hell that I go through??? I'm supposed to just keep going like this for others? They don't want to talk or be there for me, but yet they don't want me to be at peace for their own selfish reasons

[divine1966]

Are you seeking and getting help? If yes what kind? If you are suicidal please report yourself to the hospital or to your doctor asap.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

...it angers me that everybody expects me to live for them, not to upset them, but what about the daily hell that I go through??? I'm supposed to just keep going like this for others? They don't want to talk or be there for me, but yet they don't want me to be at peace for their own selfish reasons.

Some people would definitely disagree with the speculation of suicide leading to peace, so their reasons for begging others to not do that is not only about how they would feel for themselves.

People here definitely do want to talk and to be here for you, and we do believe we all, including you, will benefit.

[Only_Human1983]

I feel it would bring me peace and I just want to put an end to this.

Every part of my life seems to be going wrong and all I wanted was to be proud of myself and for my mum and Dad to be proud of me too. I'm a complete failure and I know my parents think it too.

I feel so lonely.

[divine1966]

Are you getting mental health help? Having mental health issues isn't a failure. You need help

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

I feel it would bring me peace...

I suspect you understand that is merely speculative where the only certainty is that something would be different.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

Every part of my life seems to be going wrong...

Most of my own life today is different than I had ever thought or expected it would be...

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

...and all I wanted was to be proud of myself and for my mum and Dad to be proud of me too.

Same here, but things still turned out as they did and I still keep going.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

I'm a complete failure and I know my parents think it too.

No matter what your parents might merely think, you have not given up and your posts prove you still have the desire and willingness to keep trying for yet another day.

[Only_Human1983]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you getting mental health help? Having mental health issues isn't a failure. You need help

No, having mental issues may not be a failure but I've failed in many areas of my life. I've got myself into debt, haven't maintained a successful relationship, have no career to speak of. I basically fail at everything I do

I'm not currently seeing a therapist, I have in the past, but didn't find it helped

[Only_Human1983]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

I suspect you understand that is merely speculative where the only certainty is that something would be different.

Well nobody knows what happens when you die, but at least I wouldn't be going around in circles like I'm currently doing and maybe people around me would see how bad things really were and I wasn't just 'feeling down'

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

...at least I wouldn't be going around in circles like I'm currently doing...

Those circles can be untangled and analyzed so an altered path can be found.

Originally Posted by Only_Human1983

...and maybe people around me would see how bad things really were...

Likely not, and I have actually been thinking about all of that this afternoon while asking myself why I care whether someone just "gives up" or whatever. I suppose no two of us would answer in exactly the same way, but I think many answers would go beyond mere philosophy or beliefs about what might be next. Personally, I refuse to believe your life and your potential for contributing to the lives of others is worth any less than my own, and we both know there are many people in need of whatever we might have to offer.