[salinasalex19]

My boyfriend is 20 about to be 21. We're both in college and have been dating for almost 3 years. We just recently moved into an apartment together, because we're going to the same school.

At the beginning of our relationship (the first 2 years) I was still in high school, so I wouldn't see him all the time. He would come home every two weeks or so, and I would spend literally all day of Saturday and Sunday with his family, because he wanted to see them as well, and I understood that.

As our relationship went on, I always found myself spending all my time with his family, because I wanted to be with him and I enjoyed being with him. It happened a few times where we would have plans, and he would cancel or postpone our plans, because he had his cousins birthday party to go to or something of that nature. After about 1 year into our relationship this became more and more frequent and I would find myself crying, and I thought I was just being a drama queen and being unreasonable. He always tells me he has a hard time saying no, when in reality it seems as though the only person he can say no to is me.

Just recently I had lost a family member, and went home from school, and he said he would come down that friday (I left wednesday for the funeral) Well Friday came and of course before he comes home he always has to text his mom to see if she has any plans. It was his cousins birthday. I had told him before that, that I just really wanted to do something just us two, because we don't do anything while we're in college and we just stay cooped up in an apt all day everyday. I told him I needed to get away and just like recharge I guess kinda. After finding out about the birthday party, I had tried to make my plans work around it, because I knew he wouldn't tell his mom no. After trying so hard to convince him to come home, he just flat out said no because he didn't want to choose between me and the birthday party.

Another incident is where my family was going to go out and do something, and I had told him previously and he said he would go. It is really hard for my whole family to get together so when it does happen, I really enjoy when he's there as well and he understands that. I get a text from him (like I always do) asking times and stuff and he says he doesn't know if he can go cause his dad wants to go out to eat. I just say "okay" because I was expecting, because it happens so frequently. He then replies that he's not sure though, so that gave me just the slightest bit of hope that he would go. Maybe 30 mins before we leave I tex my him if he's going and he says he can't, because "his little brother is crying."

Here's a little back story on his brothers: One is 6 and one is 12, he's significantly older than they are. His parents treat him as if he's a third parent. (Which annoys me to no end) His brothers genuinely have no manners and are spoiled to no end. (This is completely opposite from my boyfriend, but there's a whole other story as to why that is)

After he texted me that, I replied "He's only crying, because he knows you won't leave" because this has happened before where we can't carry on with our plans because his brother cries and then his mom says he can't go anywhere (which is crazy to me because he's 20).

Just recently, it has really dawned on me that he's just super attached to his family and he feels as if he can't disappoint them. I'm just upset that the longer our relationship goes on, it seems as though the easier it is for him to disappoint me. We talk about it, but every time we do we end up arguing and he says he'll try and be better about it, but the same things just happen again and again. It has gotten to the point where I don't even want to make plans with him, because 8 times out of 10 they're canceled, because of his family.
He has no problem disappointing me, or letting me cry because of him. I might just be being a drama queen, but is it wrong for me to not want to be with somebody who acts like this? Or is it literally just me making a big deal out of nothing?

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Love should not make you feel more sad than happy... it doesn't matter what he or anyone else thinks about how you should feel..only you can decide what happiness is for you...you can't make others change...unless they want to. Idk you or him or his family so I can not judge... All I know from experience is that feeling like you are always waiting for someone who can't or won't make you a priority is a very sad lonely life... and I would not wish it for anyone. (((Hugs)))

[xRavenx]

Hi, welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard being in a relationship where you are made to feel that you come second. Your feelings are valid and perfectly normal. By bringing this issue up, you are not being clingy or needy. You are aware that family is something he values, but your needs in the relationship are important and to be taken seriously.

One thing that is a concern is the fact he gets your hopes up and cancels, and that this is a pattern. If he's going through a particularly difficult time, then this can be why, but this puts a strain on the relationship and needs to be discussed to find a balance that you are both content with. It leads to the question if he is really emotionally available when it comes to relationships right now.

Definitely continue to communicate how these issues are affecting you deeply. Be firm. Something needs to change, and you deserve happiness. If he continues to argue with you, then that will just lead to more sadness, and then it's not a healthy relationship. Just some things to consider.

Best wishes. (((Hugs)))

[Crazy Hitch]

Hmmm ... he sounds self centred, self absorbed and has now idea how to compromise or meet a partner half way. I think you're going to have some tough decisions to make if he doesn't change his ways.

[Erebos]

Sorry to hear that your having to deal with this. Just a point I would like to make, he is making choices. He is choosing his family over his relationship. The longer this goes on the more he is going to think it's acceptable. Words don't count its actions that matter.
You are saying it's not ok, but then your letting it happen.

The only thing you can change is your response, you can't change him or his behaviour, but you can change wether you accept it or not.
Once in a while is one thing, but what makes his family more important than yours?
If you stay together you'll both be a part of each other's families will he show the sa devotion to you we your side? Probably not.
You are utterly valid to feel the way you do, and well within your rights to ask for more than he is giving. Now you just need to decide what you wil DO if he won't.

All the best, and remember we are worth what we put in.

[toolman65]

Somewhere in his past, he either volunteered or was assigned the role of being the family caretaker/healer.

Dad needs someone to eat with, i'll be there.

Younger brother is crying, i'll take care of it.

Cousin has a birthday? Nothing (and no one ) else matters

Over time, his parents have become reliant upon him because they are doing such a lousy job of raising the others kids themselves.

He may not be aware that he is doing this. Also, the thought of "letting the family down" may fill him with such guilt and shame that he can't handle it. So he lets you down instead.

He may be the child of alcoholics...he certainly has the "placater" role down pat.

Whatever his rationale, he wouldn't be doing this time and again unless he was getting a payoff.

You have to own your part in this as well. You have allowed yourself to become a pawn in this family dynamic. You have taught him how to treat you.

You need to develop your own interests and not be so accommodating. If he chooses to spend every spare moment fixing his family, that is his choice.

You can choose something else.

[divine1966]

What culture does he come from? In some cultures you absolutely must put your immediate family first no matter what. Most certainly family would come before girlfriend. So could that be the case?

[Bill3]

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.