[Artchic528]

To catch you all up, I have been texting this guy every day for 3-4 days and am planning on meeting up with him next week.

I have a bad track record of falling hard for guys even before I meet them in person, and then, when they don't work out, I am heartbroken. I know that right now, I'm feeling more and more attracted to this guy, and I don't want it to not work out. He seems interested enough, we texted into the wee hours last night, but still, I don't want to be that woman who is heavily attached right off the bat.

I'm so far trying to not let my emotions govern my decisions, and am trying to be rational. I guess that's a step in the right direction.

[Erebos]

He Artich, I can relate, have been on both sides of the equation and my current relationship we are both a bit like that and are working on not letting it burn through too fast.

I make a concerted effort to stick to a timetable, so only text in the evening or first thing to say good morning.
We only see each other in public or social spaces, a couple of times a week,this helps limit the level of intimacy that we can get into. I have just started staying over and I only stay one night a month. I don't let this drag on to two by making sure I have something I need to do the next day that takes me back home, or to work etc.

I guess this all sounds rather unromantic but it has worked so far, I am 3 months in, and I don't pine when he isn't around, my thoughts aren't overrunning me or obsessive. We talk a lot and still have a good sense of the friendship that started our interest in each other in the first place.
Consciously reminding yourself that there is no rush, that there is no time limit on these things sometimes helps.
I am sure I have other tactics I employ but I havnt really sat down and thought about it.

I really hope this works out for you, and that you can enjoy this getting to know each other time without worrying too much. All the best.

[MickeyCheeky]

Can you try to take the opposite approach and keep your expections low? Like, predicting that it's not going to work out that well? I don't know, that's just a sily advice :/ Not sure if it will work out..

Still, wish you good luck!

[divine1966]

I'd recommend not to text excessively when you haven't even met. Speed up the date. Keep on a friendship level. Also it's pretty easy to text with anyone as it's impersonal enough. Keep texting for exchanging info and phone conversation for deeper topics

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Can you try to take the opposite approach and keep your expections low? Like, predicting that it's not going to work out that well? I don't know, that's just a sily advice :/ Not sure if it will work out..

Still, wish you good luck!

It's actually a good advice. When I did online dating I usually told myself that I am just going to have a pleasant time, that's the only expectation I had. It does help

[Ocean Swimmer]

When I was single I played the field. Had more than one romantic interest.
Also dance class. Walking group. Waterskiing. Reading.
Hosted lots of partys.
So vary your interests. Enjoying more things than your romantic expectations good luck.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I'd recommend not to text excessively when you haven't even met. Speed up the date. Keep on a friendship level. Also it's pretty easy to text with anyone as it's impersonal enough. Keep texting for exchanging info and phone conversation for deeper topics

Surprisingly, he keeps initiating the texting. Which reminds me, I'm probably overdue to initiate texting for today.

[TishaBuv]

I had just the opposite when I was dating. Sometimes they never even made it past the initial phone conversations as they would say something that put me off and I wouldn't even agree to the date. Others made it to the first, second, or third dates but I got turned of from something or maybe they weren't that into me.

One guy told me on our first phone convo, that there was something I should know about him before we dated: he had bloody stool. I have no idea why he felt he needed to tell me that. He was very worried about what might be wrong with him. It really surprised me that he said it, and I told it to my gf. She laughed and then called him BS from then on. So, we were already off to a bad start. I did go on a few dates with him, but once I knew about the BS, I couldn't really look at him the same. I know that's really shallow of me, but...

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I had just the opposite when I was dating. Sometimes they never even made it past the initial phone conversations as they would say something that put me off and I wouldn't even agree to the date. Others made it to the first, second, or third dates but I got turned of from something or maybe they weren't that into me.

One guy told me on our first phone convo, that there was something I should know about him before we dated: he had bloody stool. I have no idea why he felt he needed to tell me that. He was very worried about what might be wrong with him. It really surprised me that he said it, and I told it to my gf. She laughed and then called him BS from then on. So, we were already off to a bad start. I did go on a few dates with him, but once I knew about the BS, I couldn't really look at him the same. I know that's really shallow of me, but...

Bloody stool. Sorry I laughed too hard reading it 😂😂I had TWO guys telling me that their feet are always cold. Don't know why.

[xRavenx]

Hi Artchic,

As long as you take it slow and as you get to know him, think of him in terms of who he is and not what you want him to be, then that could help to avoid attachment to just the idea of him before really getting to know him on a deeper level. It should definitely be interesting to see how he interacts in person compared to just texting.

Just have fun and try not to over analyze. Not getting attached to a certain outcome and just enjoying things moment-to-moment is a way you can try to approach things.

Anyway, I hope you have a good time!

[Finniky]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I had just the opposite when I was dating. Sometimes they never even made it past the initial phone conversations as they would say something that put me off and I wouldn't even agree to the date. Others made it to the first, second, or third dates but I got turned of from something or maybe they weren't that into me.

One guy told me on our first phone convo, that there was something I should know about him before we dated: he had bloody stool. I have no idea why he felt he needed to tell me that. He was very worried about what might be wrong with him. It really surprised me that he said it, and I told it to my gf. She laughed and then called him BS from then on. So, we were already off to a bad start. I did go on a few dates with him, but once I knew about the BS, I couldn't really look at him the same. I know that's really shallow of me, but...

Agreed. Before I met my fiance and I was "playing the field" I usually couldn't even get through the first date without thinking how much I wanted it to be over and how wrong the person was for me. I guess it was because I had specific wants and I read people pretty quick. dating wasn't that fun for me as a result.

Artchic, maybe the dating game is just something you enjoy and you like getting really immersed with these guys and having a great time, enough so that you let it happen (the falling) regardless of how it might end because you enjoy it.. if you keep yourself at arms length with guys like i did dating isn't that fun. because you're not taking any risks. Dating was hollow for me.. But if the emotional risks start not being worth what you get out of it, at that point maybe you will become more selective in terms of finding a viable long term mate, but being overly selective definitely makes that lovely "falling in love" feeling harder to get Sometimes. Oh yeah the reason I say all that is because the key to changing something like that about yourself is to understand WHY you are doing it in the first place.

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

...
One guy told me on our first phone convo, that there was something I should know about him before we dated: he had bloody stool. I have no idea why he felt he needed to tell me that. ...

I'm curious of how he was personality-wise.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Finniky

Agreed. Before I met my fiance and I was "playing the field" I usually couldn't even get through the first date without thinking how much I wanted it to be over and how wrong the person was for me. I guess it was because I had specific wants and I read people pretty quick. dating wasn't that fun for me as a result.

Artchic, maybe the dating game is just something you enjoy and you like getting really immersed with these guys and having a great time, enough so that you let it happen (the falling) regardless of how it might end because you enjoy it.. if you keep yourself at arms length with guys like i did dating isn't that fun. because you're not taking any risks. Dating was hollow for me.. But if the emotional risks start not being worth what you get out of it, at that point maybe you will become more selective in terms of finding a viable long term mate, but being overly selective definitely makes that lovely "falling in love" feeling harder to get Sometimes. Oh yeah the reason I say all that is because the key to changing something like that about yourself is to understand WHY you are doing it in the first place.

It might very well be that I enjoy dating. I'm going to just let things happen the way they are going to happen.

[divine1966]

same as finniky I hated dating. There was always something else I'd rather do. I also felt bad constantly rejecting people before even meeting or after first date. It sucked. I don't know anyone who enjoys dating process. I doubt artchic is doing it for fun of it either, she wants to meet good guy and have good relationship (in my understanding)

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Lonely Warrior

I'm curious of how he was personality-wise.

He was a nice guy. I met him in a funny way to begin with. I went to a singles mixer by myself. This guy who I did not find attractive at all was talking to me. Then another one tapped him on the shoulder and said "Hurry up Buddy, don't you see there's a line!" I look back and sure enough there are a few more totally unattractive guys standing there waiting to talk to me! So I panicked and saw a decent-looking guy standing in front of me by himself and told the other guys that I was with this other guy. I went over to him and said "Can you please talk to me?" And that's how we met. (I was approx. 22 yo)

He was just a nice looking, mild mannered guy. I felt a little spark especially because I felt the way we met was funny and I've always gone with the ways things happen, like karma.

But when he told me about the bloody stool, I seriously couldn't look at him the same and I just didn't feel that spark with him anymore. I was also scared for him that he may have had some terminal illness and really felt for him, but I just blew him off after a few dates.

I just looked him up thanks to this post. I'm glad to see he was ok from the bloody stool. He's still running his family's company and he's married. I saw his wife's photo on facebook. Isn't the internet great???

[divine1966]

He was probably very stressed about bloody stool and couldn't contain himself.

On the other hand come think of it this is something my husband would say. He has Tourette's with severe OCD. He is very successful professionally and overall he does great as he learned many strategies how to cope with his symptoms. But it can never be cured, only managed. One of his symptoms (along with myriad of tics) is whatever he thinks comes out. So if he thought of bloody stool, he would just have to say it. When you described the situation I just thought of my husband. I know it wasn't him lol but could totally be

My own suggestions are to limit texting and social networking. Would you call him on the phone multiple times a day? Likely not. I really don't feel we should be texting if a call wouldn't be appropriate. Have a discussion on communication itself - what are preferred modes? What are peferred times? What is an appropriate frequency? Ask yourself why he doesn't want to use the phone? If a relationship can't survive a telephone call, that doesn't bode very well. Finally, I believe that in any 'blind meet-up' that the two should meet as early on as possible.

[Artchic528]

We are meeting up in a couple of days. We are going to continue texting as we have been. I'd rather he text often over not texting at all.

[Finniky]

Originally Posted by divine1966

same as finniky I hated dating. There was always something else I'd rather do. I also felt bad constantly rejecting people before even meeting or after first date. It sucked. I don't know anyone who enjoys dating process. I doubt artchic is doing it for fun of it either, she wants to meet good guy and have good relationship (in my understanding)

my best friend for many years LOVED "dating." Not dating as a generic term, or just finding a long term partner, but more so..... meeting new people that invigorated and inspired her and she would JUMP in without too much hesitation sometimes because she enjoyed company and attention and being around people in general. However the best parts of romance and passion happen first and the more troublesome truths come up later so things always ended up going south in these endevors for her. (She is still not been in a too long of a relationship to this day). She also was very emotional, she was a beautiful mix of being emotional.. Sexual... Etc. logical and concerned only for the outcome... Not so much. for her, it was about the ride, and the ride made it worth it. Not the destination... But she didnt plan or consider where she WANTED it to go so the destination always sucked for her, being that it was failed relationships. However.. She wouldnt SAY she liked it probably.. But it was fairly obvious she was getting of from her "process" somehow.

Anyway, having very specific wants and needs from a relationship can make you more considerate of your choices and not "fall" so easily, artchic. For example, one standard i came to have was that the person I was dating had to have a good family. As in educated and making certain money and being able to provide for their children (the guy) in a certain way, such as having been able to provide a trust fund for college. Also, he had to be in college (i was 19 when i met my fiance). It was Stuff my family never provided me basically... I did this because I wanted a guy who saw first hand what providing for a family well looks like. Thats just one of the things I looked for.. But its an example. Seems shallow perhaps, but it keeps you from falling for anyone I guess.

[Moogieotter]

Hey Artchic! As per usual, I admire your courage! You won't be lonely for long if you keep that chin up and smile wide!

Please keep us posted!

moogs

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Which reminds me, I'm probably overdue to initiate texting for today.

Ok to be quite honest with you, based on this statement alone, I think it is best to follow the advice not to text too much right now. It's been 3 or 4 days and you're already setting responsibility as if you're a couple. "overdue to initiate texting" As if there is any responsibility already as to who texts, when and who does it first.

I realize it's not something that you do intentionally but it's your natural way of thinking and how you deal with relationships or meeting new guys online but I merely mention that this statement kind of struck me oddly to make you aware of what might be happening.

Something to think about.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Ok to be quite honest with you, based on this statement alone, I think it is best to follow the advice not to text too much right now. It's been 3 or 4 days and you're already setting responsibility as if you're a couple. "overdue to initiate texting" As if there is any responsibility already as to who texts, when and who does it first.

I realize it's not something that you do intentionally but it's your natural way of thinking and how you deal with relationships or meeting new guys online but I merely mention that this statement kind of struck me oddly to make you aware of what might be happening.

Something to think about.

I appreciate your pointing this out. I wasn't aware of what I was doing. Thanks!

[TishaBuv]

You've both invested several weeks in the texting relationship and made it a steady thing, but when you have the date, there is a chance you are not going to like each other and one or both of you may not want to keep steadily texting. Just be prepared if he pulls away after the date.