The problem is I know I shouldn't be upset.

(I touched on this in another thread)

Last night my boyfriend went to a very big Christmas party. The weather and distance made it impossible for me to attend. I found myself dealing with a great deal of jealousy that he went. My irritation was made all the worse when he called to tell me how much fun he was having. I admit I was angry he went without me. The fact I am trapped, bored, and miserable only exaggerated my feelings.

This morning I am dealing with incredible guilt at feeling that way. I know full well there was no reason he should have stayed home. Frankly, I'm a little embarassed.

Still, I remain miffed by the whole thing.

[TishaBuv]

If the situation were reversed, would you have gone to the party without him or would you have gone home to stay 'trapped' with him instead?

[Yours_Truly]

Jealousy is a pretty normal emotion. If I felt trapped, bored, and miserable I'd feel irritable and jealous too.

[TishaBuv]

I had a similar thing happen last year. He went to a party without me and stayed late, having a good time. I was very hurt and feel NO GUILT about feeling angry with him for it.

Would I have gone if the situation were reversed? Actually, I wouldn't have.

[divine1966]

I go to plenty of events without my husband because of his work schedule working odd hours (medical field). He is happy when I have fun. I believe he is sincere. Why would he want me to not go? I wouldn't want him to cancel things if I can't go either. I am glad if he can enjoy himself even if I can't.

Now I felt jealousy like this or envy in my past relationships because there were other underlying issues (usually me not being a priority) . But it was easier to be pissed about minor things over addressing major issues. Is there some deeper issue in your relationship that you are avoiding?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this..

[TishaBuv]

I stayed home and didn't go to the party because we were having our usual fighting conflict and I had been crying all day and was too depressed to go. He said because it was a work party, he really needed to show his face. So I understood him going, but I was mad that he had a good time and stayed so late, knowing I was so upset.

In Justafriend's case, she couldn't go because of the weather and I agree that it wasn't kind and loving of him to go to the party without her.

I just had to get over my anger, but I have no apologies or guilt for being angry about it. He didn't really care that much about me and my feelings and that hurt.

I wouldn't have done it to him, either.

If the SO is at another committment, I think it is different. But in this case, I feel that you don't go to parties without your SO when they would want to but can't.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I stayed home and didn't go to the party because we were having our usual fighting conflict and I had been crying all day and was too depressed to go. He said because it was a work party, he really needed to show his face. So I understood him going, but I was mad that he had a good time and stayed so late, knowing I was so upset.

In Justafriend's case, she couldn't go because of the weather and I agree that it wasn't kind and loving of him to go to the party without her.

I just had to get over my anger, but I have no apologies or guilt for being angry about it. He didn't really care that much about me and my feelings and that hurt.

I wouldn't have done it to him, either.

If the SO is at another committment, I think it is different. But in this case, I feel that you don't go to parties without your SO when they would want to but can't.

I honestly disagree that he needed to stay home because she couldn't come.

If someone could not come due to being seriously ill and in the hospital then sure, stay with them. But if the person isn't sick why others have to cancel their plans?

I think when we truly love other people we are happy
when they have fun rather than expecting them to cancel fun so they can be trapped with us. I just can't relate to this. I understand feeling jealous at times especially if there are deeper issues there but I don't understand expecting others to not have fun.

If others can't go with us to the the party (and they aren't sick), then we shouldn't go either? That just makes no sense to me. Can't grown people find things to do while their partner is gone somewhere where they couldn't go?

Good conversation. Thanks for the input.

No, there was no expectation that he not go - especially when I'm 350km away from him. I admit though I wouldn't have gone by myself but that is just the kind of person I am.

I guess I'm upset though that it never occured to him that staying home might be a better option - or at least a nice gesture. If he had asked how I felt about it and if I minded I suppose I would be feeling better.

[TishaBuv]

True. Justafriend was far away, so couldn't go. And I did have deeper issues.

I suppose I do have an underlying issue too...

Basically, I am ticked that he always seems to be having a good time while I lead a boring life in comparison. His work has him going out a lot for lunch and the occasional dinner. He is either entertaining or being entertained everyday. Yes, I suppose my jealousy is quite childish.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I suppose I do have an underlying issue too...

Basically, I am ticked that he always seems to be having a good time while I lead a boring life in comparison. His work has him going out a lot for lunch and the occasional dinner. He is either entertaining or being entertained everyday. Yes, I suppose my jealousy is quite childish.

Do you live far from each other and it's hard to partake in each other life events? If you live relatively close then I'd expect to attend at least some events with him. Unless these are strictly work events? Do you eventually plan on having commitment such as living together etc and attend most events together?

Originally Posted by justafriend306

I suppose I do have an underlying issue too...

Basically, I am ticked that he always seems to be having a good time while I lead a boring life in comparison. His work has him going out a lot for lunch and the occasional dinner. He is either entertaining or being entertained everyday. Yes, I suppose my jealousy is quite childish.

Well, he did call you - you say it was to tell you he was having a good time but do you think he may also have been thinking about you and wanted to speak to you? Maybe his way of including you? My husband often calls me from his gigs (he's usually having a great time but it's nice he remembers me).

Do you think your feelings could be changed if you had a few more good times of your own to look forward to? I'm not suggesting you don't (you may well have plenty) but wonder if this is something you could be working towards. I know when I felt resentful of the good times my husband was having it was because I was not having any of my own.

[divine1966]

I had a long term ex who wasn't into having too much fun, he was referring to people who had fun "social butterflies" and was proud that he wasn't the one, and he often had issues when I had fun activities because I wasn't about to stop. He was always grumpy when I went out and about and complained that he is bored yet he never wanted to do much. I am absolutely ecstatic that my husband isn't like that. It was hard to handle

The long-distance thing hasn't been that bad actually. We are together 2-3 weekends a month. We do get out. I suppose I rely on him too much to do so. As for this function, we had been invited to it as a couple and I really had looked forward to going. I had planned on doing so. A touch of disappointment naturally fuels my childish jealousy.

Feelings aren't always rational so don't beat yourself up for how you feel. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and I'm sickly. I'm always trying to get him to go out and enjoy himself but he prefers staying home. He's the definition of homebody.

Do you have abandonment issues? Is this a constant thing you feel or mainly when depressed?

I remember being depressed a few years ago and listening to my husband laughing with his friends just killed me. Listening to someone laugh on TV or Radio killed me. Depression can cause us not to think straight. (((Hugs)))

I don't think it matters whether you SHOULD or SHOULDN'T feel a certain way. Emotions don't listen to that. They just are. They happen no matter what you tell yourself....

Yes, he should have asked if you minded or at least pretended he was having a lousy time without you....

Ever feel guilty for feeling guilty?

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Ever feel guilty for feeling guilty?

Oh hell yes. I stated as much in a prior post of mine. But, rather, you could say that you feel bad about feeling guilty?

And that, in itself, is your mental admonishment (for whatever good THAT does...)

As I said, the knowledge that an emotion is wrong, doesn't stop the emotion from occurring.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

The problem is I know I shouldn't be upset.

(I touched on this in another thread)

Last night my boyfriend went to a very big Christmas party. The weather and distance made it impossible for me to attend. I found myself dealing with a great deal of jealousy that he went. My irritation was made all the worse when he called to tell me how much fun he was having. I admit I was angry he went without me. The fact I am trapped, bored, and miserable only exaggerated my feelings.

This morning I am dealing with incredible guilt at feeling that way. I know full well there was no reason he should have stayed home. Frankly, I'm a little embarassed.

Still, I remain miffed by the whole thing.

The fact that you feel guilty about it is a sign that your conscience is intact and your jealousy is not out of control. There are times when a bit of it is quite normal, it's how we act upon those feelings that really are what matters most.

Thing is, if you look at this a different way you might feel better about the whole thing. You were stuck, without being able to go. I don't know very many people who wouldn't feel a tinge of something unpleasant due to that very fact. Others were there having fun and you were stuck home alone and possibly feeling abandoned, which of course that last part is simply a feeling but one that is easily conjured up in your situation. Were you truly jealous that HE went or upset that you weren't able to go? Were you thinking "how dare he go without me"? I mean it may seem like splitting hairs here but it's really quite a distinction. There's a huge difference between jealousy that stems from 'it's not fair I didn't get to go" to the thought that says something about you feeling that the idea he went was terrible on his part.

I don't know which of these types of jealousy you are feeling but maybe it's something to think about. The first one is quite fair and natural to feel but the second one is not and one that should be looked at more closely if that's the case of how you felt.

Just my thoughts.