[Mapper]

WARNING: LONG RANT!

This past week my husband has been snide and sarcastic towards me and it makes me feel worthless.

When he is around, I always make sure I'm watching a show that he isn't going to come out and make fun of, you know like a chick flick, or a good British PBS show, or a reality show. I always make sure to watch Comedy Central or the news or something neutral because he makes me feel like crap if I'm watching something I like that he would never watch.

On our tv you can see the list of shows we've watched On Demand. There's about 7 or 8 we watch regularly but on Saturdays when he's at work is when I watch "my" shows. One of the ones I watch is one of the "Real Housewives" reality shows. I would NEVER watch that in front of him and am often on edge when I am watching it because I never know if he'll come home early and see me watching it. I have even tried to see if there's a way to delete the fact that I watched it from the menu, but I can't find it. So last night we were going to watch another one of our shows On Demand and he was flipping through to get to it and he saw that I had watched this Real Housewives show. It's been up there for months but this is the first time he's seen it. He made SUCH a big deal about it saying "Oh my god, do you REALLY watch that show? I can't believe you would watch a reality show. Oh my god, that's ridiculous". Then later when we turned on Netflix the first show that popped up and was ready to start was "Gilmore Girls" which I have never watched and he once again went into a tirade that I must watch that one too since it came up and went on and on about it. Why the hell can't I watch whatever I want and not be made fun of?? He sits and plays his stupid video game for hours every night, neglecting all other things around the house but I don't say a word to him how stupid his game is even though a nearly 50 year old man is addicted to playing this game!

Then Wed. night he had another sarcastic moment. He and I were emailing from work and I told him I'd go to the butcher after work and he said that sounded great and how a steak with baked potato sounded good for dinner since we had been eating soup for 3 nights in a row. So I go there, I go to the grocery store to grab other things. I get home at 5:30 and he gets home around 7PM (keep in mind that he doesn't want me cooking the steaks because I don't do it "right"). He goes and takes a bath, gets out at 7:45 and says "Do you still want steaks (remember this was his idea) and I say yes. Then he immediately goes "Well that's not going to work because the potatoes will take a while and we won't be eating until 10PM". Oookay, so why did you bring it up?? I say "Then soup is fine". Then he goes "Or do you want to do hot reuben sandwiches?" I say "We could do that with soup?" He goes "That's a bit much." I go "Then soup is fine". Oh my god did he go off on that. He goes "Oh my god woman, make up your mind". Then starts imitating me in a high voice "What do you want to eat? I don't know what do you want to eat? I don't know, what do you want to eat? I don't care, whatever you want to eat." "Jeez it's like pulling teeth to have you make a decision!". All of a sudden he's upset with me because I wouldn't tell him what I want. He wanted steak and then says no, then I say soup and he says okay but then gives me another option and when I say okay to that he tells me it's a bit much and then gets so exasperated when I finally decide on soup. He made me feel like absolute **** and the whole time he's imitating me in that voice, I'm in the other room mouthing the words "**** you" and flipping him off, all which he can't see. I got so upset that I turned off the show I was watching and went into the bedroom and looked like I was busy doing something. He obviously recognized I was upset because I wasn't saying anything to him and he was trying to engage me by laughing uproariously to some videos on Facebook and trying to get me to come in and watch them. I did, but I didn't say anything. Then he got all kissy kissy with me and we had our soup and I promptly went to bed right after at 8:30 while he stayed up and played his stupid video game.

Then I made dinner Thurs/Fri/Sat. nights. He was busy putting together his new computer that I went ahead and did it. Wed. night were the tenderloins we were going to have the night before and I never cook steak because I never get it right. Usually they are never cooked through enough. I got home on Thursday and he told me he had the oven on for the baked potatoes that go with it. We sat there for over an hour and he didn't seem like he was going to get on dinner so I went ahead and put the potatoes in. I then asked him when I should put the steaks on and he says The potatoes usually take about 45 minute and the steaks take about half that time". So I figure with about 20-25 minutes left on the potatoes that I should start the steaks. Sure enough I get done and plate everything and we cut into the steaks and they are bloody. He goes all irritibly "I TOLD you you need to put them on for half the time the potatoes are in" I say to him "I DID. You said the potatoes take 45 minutes and I had the steaks in for 25 minutes" He rolls his eyes at me and says "Whatever". Doesn't speak to me all through dinner, doesn't eat the meat and then promptly goes back to working on his computer.

Friday night I made burgers, homestyle fries and cole slaw. He ate the burger, had a couple bites of the slaw and maybe one or two fries and said he wasn't into them that night. So basically the stuff I spent time making he didn't really want to eat.

Saturday night he was once again busy working on his computer so about 8:30 we hadn't eaten and I said I was just going to warm up the leftover soup. He of course can't let that go and comes out and says "Oh yeah that's it, boil the hell out of it". If you have such a damn issue with me cooking then why don't you do it?! Then last night I said I was just going to cut up veggies and have a cheese and cracker plate for dinner and he said that sounded great, but followed that up with "But I thought we were having reubens?" Oh you mean because I mentioned reubens back on Wed. night you thought we were having them tonight??" And of course if I said "Well we can have those instead" he'd go "Why is it so hard for you to make up your mind?!"

On top of all that, he's been snappy towards me. He moved his computer desk so yesterday morning I was touching up the paint on the wall where the desk had rubbed and of course he gets out of bed and catches me in the middle of doing it and rolls his eyes at me. I immediately stop and put it away because he's upset. Then he starts cleaning up his mess in the computer room and goes "Well I suppose you'll start throwing all of my stuff away if I don't clean it up right this second". He had mentioned getting a window seat for the cats now that the desk has moved and I agreed but I also said that we should get a small cat tree so that they have a way to get up there, which he somewhat agreed with. But I also told him that he'd have to hang his guitar on another wall so that the cats wouldn't get at it and that turned into him saying "Well I suppose you just want me to move out then huh?" I simply asked if you would be able to hang your guitar somewhere else!

Where the hell is all this animosity coming from? He knows I'm getting upset by his jabs and then he tries to get all lovey with me and then an hour later another jab and then lovey again.

It sounds to me like maybe instead of focusing on him so much you would be better off focusing on yourself.

Instead of worrying so much about trying to please him(which sounds like nothing you ever do is good enough anyway),why not just do what you want to do?Cook what you want to cook?Get out away from him more,join some kind of class,go back to school,do whatever it is you have always wanted to do?If nothing is ever right,or good enough for him,why bother trying ?If he doesn't like your cooking then let him cook his own food or go hungry!

It sounds like he keeps you right where he wants you,always on edge,always the one trying,always the one trying to figure out how to change yourself in order to control his moods.Where's his responsibility in this?Where's his effort?

I think you might be surprised at how much things would change if you could just detach from everything bad that's going on between the two of you,stop focusing on it and put all that energy into yourself,make a life of your own for yourself,be your own person,it's possible to do that and still be married.And I bet the way he treats you would improve too,he might actually start respecting and appreciating you.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.What are some things you could do to change the situation?

[Mapper]

The thing is, I lose all interest in doing anything because he makes me feel so crappy. If I go out I'm just going to be miserable because I know I'll come home to him being all sarcastic about me being out longer than he thought or asking how my "date night with the pool boy went". I have thought about volunteering at an animal sanctuary but every time I'm close I get his attitude and I think I don't want to sign up for that and then feel like crap one morning because he had a ****** attitude towards me and then I will be upset all day and not want to go.

2 1/2 years ago I was going to go out for dinner with a new friend I had made about a year prior and rarely saw. We went out to a musical about 6 months prior (which H was all gung ho about me doing, probably because he had plans with a friend that night). I hadn't seen her for 6 months and asked her to go to dinner one night. I told H I was doing this and he goes "Oh fine, leave me home alone while you go have fun. No see if I care, I'll just be sitting here playing video games and ordering a pizza but you go have a good time". I was nearly in tears. Then an hour later she called me to finalize the dinner plans for the following week and I was on the phone for no more than 15 seconds before he came into the room and yelled "Oh is that my competition on the phone with you? Are you two secret lovers?". I was once again nearly in tears after getting off the phone an he finds me in the bathroom and says "What is WRONG with you?" I say "You are being very snarky and snide with me for going out to dinner with her". He rolls his eyes and goes "Jeez I'm JUST kidding! Go have fun with her" and walked away. I ended up cancelling on her and haven't seen or spoken to her since because I am so afraid of what he's going to say. Then the night I was supposed to go out with her at like 8PM it finally dawned on him that I was supposed to go out and I give him an excuse of I decided I didn't want to go and he goes "I'm sorry". Sorry for what? That you acted the way you did?? Who's husband makes such a huge deal about going out with a friend for dinner? Any other man would have said nicely "Have a good time and I'll see you when you get home".

Everything you just said in the above post...exactly why I said I think you would be much better off focusing on yourself.

You are making everything all about him,what he thinks,what he feels,what he wants,what about you?Why do you have to constantly worry about him?

Are you in therapy?If not,it might be a good idea.Or maybe even read up on codependency,he doesn't have to be an alcoholic or addict for you to be codependent,and it sounds like you may be.

Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by CrispApple

Everything you just said in the above post...exactly why I said I think you would be much better off focusing on yourself.

You are making everything all about him,what he thinks,what he feels,what he wants,what about you?Why do you have to constantly worry about him?

Are you in therapy?If not,it might be a good idea.Or maybe even read up on codependency,he doesn't have to be an alcoholic or addict for you to be codependent,and it sounds like you may be.

No I'm not in therapy. Once again, if he found out he'd probably get mad and go "What's wrong with our relationship that you need to see someone about it?" I just can't function when anyone is the slightest bit mad at me. I HAVE to make things right again, even if they are totally in the wrong or I can't sleep or eat or focus on anything. I felt this way growing up with my mom who would give me days of silent treatments yet never tell me what was wrong. She's slip out of them as quickly as she'd slip into them and they were never spoken of again. Even if I send an email or a text to my husband and I don't hear back from him I assume he is mad at me for some reason and then am so relieved when I finally do hear something.

Maybe you missed the link in my post?

Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central

Might be worth reading and also finding other info or joining an online codepency support group.I t's good that you can recognize it's because of how your mom was,but it's more important to take steps in order to change your behavior and be able to make much needed changes...time to take action don't you think?

You sound like you are walking on egg shells around him, that must be anxious making for you.

I think if your fear of upsetting him makes you avoid therapy then that is a sign you really would benefit from therapy.

If you sought therapy and he found out what could be the worst that could happen?

[seesaw]

Leave him. Get therapy. Know thyself.

[divine1966]

Somehow I noticed that in bad marriages there was is often a preoccupation with food (what to eat and where and what to cook and pretty elaborate daily menus), and what to watch on TV. Maybe it's because there isn't s nothing else going on.. do you even like each other?

Eat whatever you want and watch what you want and kick his butt to the curb. Sounds too painful for my taste

[xRavenx]

I agree, do whatever you want. You don't need to cater to him. He is an adult, and he shouldn't be acting this immature, blaming you for things, or being so controlling by telling you that you can't do something innocent, like going out with friends. He shouldn't be putting you down for everything you choose to do.

You can have him sit down with you, and talk it out with him since changes need to be made. As far as liking different TV shows, it's fine to have different preferences, and put-downs are unnecessary and obviously hurtful to you. Do you think there's any compatibility between the two of you? If he's willing to make some changes, and you're willing to work things out, then there's therapy or simply seeing how it goes.

The bottom line: don't walk on eggshells anymore. If he doesn't like what you do, and he continues to be controlling, then it's unlikely that he will change, especially if he isn't willing to accept it's a problem. Do what's best for you.

I know that we are only privy to what people tell us on here, so take this with that in mind....

People who love you, do not treat you badly. They do not make you feel stupid, they make you feel intelligent. They do not speak badly about you, they speak complementary of you (even when you're not around to hear it). They don't discourage, they empower.

I have a very low self-esteem and I know that I could have ended up with a man who treated me badly and I would think that I deserved it, or couldn't have done any better, but I got lucky. I am wondering if you know that you don't deserve to be treated poorly? I am wondering if you're okay with how things are? (I get that that might sound snarky, but I think it's important for us to see how you, yourself, view your relationship, so please understand that)

Tough questions, I know and please just ignore me if I'm offending you.

[~Christina]

You should watch more reality shows they often have relationship skills you can learn .

Good wishes

[Pinkey88]

I understand. I've been married 14 years. We have 7 children. About a year and a half ago I started to concentrate on me. I stopped agreeing with everything he said and would ignore his attempts to belittle me. He moved out about a month after. Now I'm trying to raise the children (whom he also belittled) we are doing pretty good. He has started stopping by my house and "hanging out" it's so hard to just cut off those feelings. I feel like I still need to please him and make sure he is happy. He doesn't want a divorce... reading your post made me realize I've got a long way to go! Message me if you'd like to talk. Don't forget you are worth it! You are important! Keep your chin up!

[Molinit]

In 1 word, DIVORCE.

[Yours_Truly]

Your husband's behavior is verbally abusive. No wonder you walk on eggshells. Marriage counseling would probably be the most beneficial because your husband really needs help himself, but since it's unlikely that he would agree to this, I agree that you should seek personal therapy for yourself. You shouldn't tolerate this type of treatment. If you're too afraid to seek therapy because of how he will put you down, at least start out with self-help books and materials from the web as others have suggested. You need to change the dynamics of this relationship by not tolerating his belittling treatment
of you. Part of this will involve preparing yourself for his responses. Therapy would be great in supporting you through this. Is there anyone else close enough in your life that you can talk with about his behavior and receive support from?

[Shazerac]

Every thing you are saying is focusing in what HE Wants what HE says what HE feels. Your relationship with your mother and needing to please her has carried over into your relationship with your husband. For your own wellbeing and sanity you need to get some help on focusing on what YOU want and what YOU Need. Until you get help nothing will change. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself.