I'll share what is working for myself and my partner of 5 years and counting. Perhaps some of the things we do would help someone else. I think we have an exceptionally good relationship -- not all the things we are like, will fit for everyone, but perhaps people can find bits and more, of what we do.

I was married 3-1/2 times. I say 1/2 because the last one I only married b/c he was dying of cancer and I wanted to be there for him -- even though I was in the process of breaking up with the rude and emotionally abusive guy.

The other three marriages were long-term, and abusive, each in his own way.

5 years ago I ran an ad in Match.com and met an unusual man. We are elders, and so we both have lots of life learning years. My first requirement of any person -- b/f or women friends -- is "Never, ever yell at me. Anyone who yells at me, I walk away and never look back." They won't get another chance! Once, and they are OUT OUT OUT of my life. Sometimes a person would want to discuss this, and I just tell him/her "I have spent way too many years of my life being yelled at, and yelling back. I don't do that anymore."

Since I have put this information out, only one person yelled at me. A woman friend of 3 years -- I 'll call here "E...". She yelled at me at the senior dining room, started hurling insults and me, said, "I will NEVER, ever, call you or email you again! " (That, because after her behavior became intrusive to me, emailing me or phoning me way, way too often, I had asked that we contact the other one, when we heard from them, and wait till we hear from the other one, not reply till we do. That must have been what set her off.) When she said that, I thought, Okay, she's ending our friendship. No point in sticking around....I stood up, and said, "Bye, E...." and walked away. She followed me around the room hollering at me. I was thinking, well, if I can't find another table, or if she keeps at it,I will take my sandwich out into the cold and eat outdoors. But she finally left.

But anyway, Here's what I think makes my partner, M___'s and my relationship a fine one. One, we do not live together. We each have a small apartment. Two, we are not sexual -- we both know that earlier in our lives, we were sex bombs, but we no longer are. When I was sexual, it essentially ruined my life because I would fall in love much too quickly, so I could have good sex. Most of it was not good anyway, but Husband #2 and I had great sex for 11 years. He was the most unstable of the 3, but it was really hard to give that up. I think he was a sociopath.

M_________ is a calm and patient person, a slow mover, slow planner, slow in making decisions. But once he makes a decision, he DOES it. I am impulsive and high energy. I make hasty and instantaneous decisions. Some of my plans work out great, oherrs fall apart. We balance each other out well.

He is the first person I have known well who did not tell me the story of his life in the first 2 hours, and never brought up "himself" as a subject ever again. M___________ is not like that. I keep finding out new things about him. He's not secretive -- far from it....he's just HIM. He's just THERE. This is very intriguing to me, having never experienced this with anyone before.

We are calmly communicative. We have a lot in common, and do fun things together. We have similar tastes in movies/videos. We both are artists -- him a professional, me an enthusiastic amateur, and also a musician. We take Nature walks. We also have differences, and do things alone or with other friends. We work out our disagreements amicably. This whole thing is just amazing to me. I've never been treated so well before. M______'s previous relationship of 15 years was full of strife and fighting. He finally left this abusive woman. He's only briefly mentioned that they fought, and he does not gossip about her or put her down. He loved her.

I've told him early in our relationships about yelling being unacceptable in any way. I reminded him more recently in case he'd forgotten. There was no real reason to remind him, but I did. He replied, "I can't think of any reason I would yell at you. You don't push my buttons." He's told me the previous partner pushed his buttons a lot -- which is why they fought.

We are not addicts. He has maybe 5-6 beers a MONTH. The most drinking I do is 1-2 teaspoons of rum in a hot buttered rum I make occasionally. Drinkers, we aren't. Neither of us has ever been an addict of any sort.

I have a lot of therapy under my belt. I've done a lot of work on myself with workbooks and self help programs.

It all seems "too good to be true," and I wake up every day wondering how this fine man can be my partner now.

And by the way -- he is not rich. He has always supported himself and never mooches off anyone. But his interest is painting, and that's how he spends his time. He has made money with his art in the past, but now he only occasionally sells a painting. He is very bad at "marketing," his work. I, on the other hand, have had lots of marketing experience, and made my living marketing myself in two small service businesses. So it's hard for me to accept his poor and inefficient approach to selling his art. But I have learned, and try to remember, not to do his business for him, or run or intrude on his decisions.

[MickeyCheeky]

This sounds wonderful... thank you for sharing

Hi Mickey, thanks so much for writing back!!! Many hearts to you, too. Hope you can maybe use some of my "things that work." Obviously many will not work for everyone. Another thing I forgot to put -- we don't see each other every day --- 1-2-3 times a week, but we talk on the phone every day!

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

This sounds wonderful... thank you for sharing