Hi people,

A topic currently in my mind - controlling people.
I have dealt with various people who would be controlling overtime.
I learned the hard way through a close friend I had - overtime he became less of a friend and more of a controller. He made me so angry and made me feel so horrible I shut off the relationship cold-turkey by deleting him off Facebook to mark that it's over, since he's not the kind of person you can reason with.

It's interesting yet also disappointing that some of those controllers were once great friends. It feels to me that noticing a controlling behavior is like taking a saturated earth, spoiling it and then result with nothing but the skeletal of a relationship which held it in its place.

The issue is I am uncertain of my way to deal with controlling people.
From my experience, it's pretty much go into my control room --> relationship section --> select relationship --> lower power/shut down. The thing is, it feels they're gonna reach "shut down".
I'm having an increasingly lowering tolerance to controlling behaviors, or people who show power or put you down.

I just wonder if it's even worth dealing with those kind of people.
I am also unsure whether I'm over-reactive to controlling people, as most of them are fun to be with, but that's pretty much of that. Talking about personal issues has resulted in them hurting me.

So TL;DR - How do you deal with controlling people?
How much is shutting them off the right thing to do, considering the fact that I have no tolerance to further and further point my fingers on specific wrong behaviors on and on... It's just that it gets you thinking that you're losing a quantity of relationships overtime.

Can I ask how old you are?

I think that as we get older we realize that friendships are more than just being around people who are "fun".

Yeah, I could find a million people to hang out with who are fun, but at the end of the day that doesn't really leave me feeling fulfilled anymore. I know that personally I want to have a deeper connection with others. Of course, every relationship is different and the connection with each person varies.

Maybe this is an off comparison, but when someone gets clean off drugs, they oftentimes discover that they have nothing in common with their so called "friends" anymore. Yeah, the drugs were the method of fun, and without the drugs, there is no common link. Its the same in any relationship, if there isn't something beyond the "fun" then the relationship isn't really something that will go the distance.

In short, no, I don't think you're over reacting.

Can I ask how you're picking these friends?

How do you deal with controlling people? By setting boundaries. If they freak out when you set boundaries and continue to walk all over you, then you know that they're not decent friend material.

The other thing in life is that most relationships are indeed temporary. Its rare that we have a friend for life. I mean each person usually has only a few friends for life at most. Its a bit rare to have people come into your life and stay in your life until the end. That's just not the nature of society anymore.

I'm 22 years old.
It's hard for me to reply because it's a complicated subject for me right now. Too much going in the head to express in words.
I used to pick friends based on how much attention they'd grab and how fun and happiness they'd broadcast. I think I'l start talking to people who let's say are lower on sugar, so I can taste the other ingredients better.

As someone who is sometimes indeed picked as a friend for how much "fun" I SEEM to be, I advise you to not go this route. As soon as I'm seen as a real person behind the "fun", people jump ship. (No, its not because I'm hiding abusive behavior, rather because its impossible to be "fun" 24/7, yes there's a real person behind the facade.) Its currently happening to me once again and putting me into a tailspin. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no I'm not.

No, I'm not controlling, but I think the dynamics are the same. Don't pick a friend based solely on their ability to grab attention or how happy they seem. Are you choosing these people because their happiness transfers to you and makes you happy?

I'm not saying to not choose fun people as friends, rather I'm saying to not make that the only reason you choose them. The negative behavior is going to be found in "lower sugar" people, too.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Vibrating Obsidian

Hi people,

A topic currently in my mind - controlling people.
I have dealt with various people who would be controlling overtime.
I learned the hard way through a close friend I had - overtime he became less of a friend and more of a controller. He made me so angry and made me feel so horrible I shut off the relationship cold-turkey by deleting him off Facebook to mark that it's over, since he's not the kind of person you can reason with.

It's interesting yet also disappointing that some of those controllers were once great friends. It feels to me that noticing a controlling behavior is like taking a saturated earth, spoiling it and then result with nothing but the skeletal of a relationship which held it in its place.

The issue is I am uncertain of my way to deal with controlling people.
From my experience, it's pretty much go into my control room --> relationship section --> select relationship --> lower power/shut down. The thing is, it feels they're gonna reach "shut down".
I'm having an increasingly lowering tolerance to controlling behaviors, or people who show power or put you down.

I just wonder if it's even worth dealing with those kind of people.
I am also unsure whether I'm over-reactive to controlling people, as most of them are fun to be with, but that's pretty much of that. Talking about personal issues has resulted in them hurting me.

So TL;DR - How do you deal with controlling people?
How much is shutting them off the right thing to do, considering the fact that I have no tolerance to further and further point my fingers on specific wrong behaviors on and on... It's just that it gets you thinking that you're losing a quantity of relationships overtime.

The first question I have in my mind is when you say "controlling people" what do you mean? yes I know what it typically mans to most people but in your case I am curious as to how you are defining these people and what behavior it is that you are trying to avoid/get away from?

Thing is, people who are overbearing and try to exert power over others do typically pick people they find have personalities that tend to give in and allow this type of behavior. Of course they can't know this about the other person but they gravitate towards those that seem to be the type that would accommodate their need for control.

The best way IMO to avoid such people is to work on how you interact with others, analyze self and figure out what it is that makes you attractive to the domineering types and find out what it is that you can do differently to attract different types of people. Of course it goes without saying that you need to understand how to discern those that can become the controlling type so you can walk away before it's too late.

I dont' think that over time that these people become controlling like you say, I think they are that way from the beginning and you tolerate it at first because they are enjoyable to be around for other reasons. When the entertainment factor of the relationship goes a little cold, all you're left with is a tepid relationship with a person that is controlling. Being more proactive in the beginning and paying attention to what you gravitate towards from the beginning will help too. If you want to stay away from controlling people, you need to nip it in the bud as it were. This is not all on them but on you partially too, after all you accepted the friendship and as I said, I doubt that their controlling behaviors emerge later, they just become intolerable later.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

The first question I have in my mind is when you say "controlling people" what do you mean? yes I know what it typically mans to most people but in your case I am curious as to how you are defining these people and what behavior it is that you are trying to avoid/get away from?

Thing is, people who are overbearing and try to exert power over others do typically pick people they find have personalities that tend to give in and allow this type of behavior. Of course they can't know this about the other person but they gravitate towards those that seem to be the type that would accommodate their need for control.

The best way IMO to avoid such people is to work on how you interact with others, analyze self and figure out what it is that makes you attractive to the domineering types and find out what it is that you can do differently to attract different types of people. Of course it goes without saying that you need to understand how to discern those that can become the controlling type so you can walk away before it's too late.

I dont' think that over time that these people become controlling like you say, I think they are that way from the beginning and you tolerate it at first because they are enjoyable to be around for other reasons. When the entertainment factor of the relationship goes a little cold, all you're left with is a tepid relationship with a person that is controlling. Being more proactive in the beginning and paying attention to what you gravitate towards from the beginning will help too. If you want to stay away from controlling people, you need to nip it in the bud as it were. This is not all on them but on you partially too, after all you accepted the friendship and as I said, I doubt that their controlling behaviors emerge later, they just become intolerable later.

I know what it is in me that is attracting controlling people and those are obvious traits - I am a listener, understanding and tolerant person, especially when it comes to friends.
Those kind of people made me feel as if my traits are a weakness, and not a strength. It took me a long time to feel so horrible about myself that I shut some off. It was a gradual process of increasing hate towards the two previous best friends.
As for a third person, it's shutting off more quickly.

To think of it, those people are very fun and interesting to be around. But their "disorders" are not pain of their own, but pain inflicted on others who they sense they can put the pain on.
When I see such free people laying their darkness on others, I'm beginning to doubt and question being happy and enjoying life when it leads to the freedom of hurting someone without caring.