[Artchic528]

I was always taught that when your in a relationship you try and do things to please the other person, above pleasing yourself. That your soul desire should be to see them happy. Now, I'm a people pleaser by nature, so this goes naturally for me. Is this a healthy approach to a relationship?

[divine1966]

There has to be a healthy balance.

First of all both people have to regard other person highly. Otherwise it becomes one sided when you please them and the other person just takes. It has to be give and take.

Second of all while you value other person highly you shouldn't forget your own needs and your importance. Putting other person first all the time and not value your own needs isn't going to create healthy relationship.

And it depends on what makes other person happy and if it matches my own values. If my partner (hypothetically) wants to smoke dope because it makes him happy (again pure theory) then no matter how much I love him it just ain't happening. Or if it makes him happy laying on a couch while house needs to be cleaned then it's not happening either.

I think the most important thing in choosing a partner is finding right match. I think most marriages fail because people choose wrong match and then try to work with what they have. Choose someone with same values abd life style and things in common and then it's more likely to work in the long run

Hi Artchic, I can identify with being a people pleaser and I'm also very nurturing and wonder if you might be too, many women are. Like you I'm happiest when those I love are taken care of, it feels like I'm hard wired that way - that to me is how I express love.

I think this is healthy as long as it's not at the expense of your own needs, and that you are also open to receiving the love that you give to others. Others may want to nurture you too and allowing them to care for you is an act of generosity itself. It's a two way thing.

[TishaBuv]

You want to do things to please them because it makes you happy to see them happy, and also selfishly you are wanting them to do the same for you. It is not your sole purpose at all, rather it is just part of your day.

True, you commit to the one who you feel is the right match. You discuss the most important issues to you both over time getting to know each other to determine if the right match. However, you are also trying to work with what you have, because I doubt anyone will ever be totally the perfect match, people change, new issues come up, you just can't predict what may be a deal breaker down the road, but that is ok, not a reason to hold back from following your heart.

So much really has to do with chemistry. The importance of your gut feeling of attraction to a person physically and emotionally might be of even more importance than all the logic of how your personalities and values match.

It has to be mutual. It takes two.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think you need to take care for yourself as much as your partner.. it's a "give and take" sort of thing.

In long term relationships there are times when the balance is tipped in one persons favor. They need more help or we need help. I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I'm the sole person responsible for making things happy. Unless they are my children and I chose to give them life. It's a balance and that balance can shift from time to time. It's healthy to recognize that.

[~Christina]

I basically spoil my husband ... Because I WANT to. But it's a mutual deal he also goes out of his way to spoil me too. No not with gifts... With little things. Yes I know my husband can go refill his coffee or tea. ... But I love to do simple things like that.

We have a healthy relationship , even my T is surprised how we waded through so much together and our marriage is stronger than pre implosion 6 years ago.

Just don't forget about self care while helping anyone.

[wildflowersinmytea]

I think putting your partner's needs before yours and being a people pleaser is a good way to risk being abused. I really liked Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More that addresses this concept.

[katrina155]

My mom has a problem in the relationship because children are important for you more than a husband. After twenty years they are really distroyed. I think that for healthy relationship is really important that the partner is important than a children. Because children grow up and leave us, after that we stay only with a partner. I found good article which I recommend that you read for your healthy relationship kiss

[AutumnLeaves65]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I think you need to take care for yourself as much as your partner.. it's a "give and take" sort of thing.

I agree with this 100%

My 2 cents.

Its only healthy for you IF you find someone who does not take advantage of your generosity AND they are willing to be quite giving as well.

Take it from me, someone who has met a lot of "takers" in my time....people are drawn to my energy because they want to make it their own, I make them happy, whatever. The thing is, behind my happy facade I am a real person with real problems. These people cannot give back to me when I need them the most.

I am now on a mission to only have giving people in my life. Let the "takers" associate amongst themselves!