[StewieGG]

I found out recently that he lied about being a virgin when we got together, for two years I have believed I was his first. Not only that, but he lost his virginity while cheating on his long distance girlfriend (a girlfriend he only met once and said it wasn't serious) on a one night stand. Do you think it's rational of me to be so shaken, and looking at him in a different light? He never lies to me, and we are very close so it came as a huge shock.

[divine1966]

Why does he need to be a virgin? How old is he?

[StewieGG]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Why does he need to be a virgin? How old is he?

He doesn't need to be a virgin, it's just the fact that he not only lied to me but also cheated on his ex and I have had no idea about anything til a few days ago. I wasn't a virgin when I met him, and I was actually surprised when he told me he was a virgin way back when we first got together. It would not have been a problem, but what is a problem is that he lied to me. We are both in our early twenties.

[Shazerac]

Hi. I could understand how that would be a shock. Have talked to him about this and why he felt,that he needed to lie to you about this?

[StewieGG]

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Hi. I could understand how that would be a shock. Have talked to him about this and why he felt,that he needed to lie to you about this?

He just said he was ashamed. I started packing my bags and he was sobbing and telling me how he'd never cheat on me, how sorry he was for lying. I am still in a state of shock, I don't really understand why it's shaken me up so bad though.

Some of us can't tolerate certain things.

To be perfectly honest, the first thing I thought of was "he's a liar and a cheat". And I'm sorry for that. But those two things are totally intolerable to me.

There isn't any advice here, but as far as I'm concerned you are one hundred percent justified in taking at least some time for yourself to regroup and reassess. Don't even second guess that.

[LifeInProgress]

You are completely justified in feeling angry and upset about this. Your boyfriend lied to you and cheated on ex, these are upsetting things to find out.

[divine1966]

Ok honestly there was a woman he met once. I don't see why is she referred to as a girlfriend. I never cheated on anyone but I sure don't owe anything to someone I've met once! Plus he said it wasn't even serious which is probably accurate due to only meeting her once.

He lost his virginity in one night stand. He is probably embarrassed. I dislike dishonesty and would be upset that he lied but I don't see what's the big deal about actual sex part? Maybe he felt that one time didn't even count? I remember having sex first time st 18 and I frankly wasn't sure what even happened

Is relationship going well otherwise? I have a feeling perhaps it's not that good and it's easy reason to end it?

I'm with Divine. The past relationship was barely a relationship if they had only met once, and the lie is about something honestly not that important considering, again, the relationship he was in barely existed. He's embarrassed which is actually kind of endearing in a way. If the relationship is going well otherwise, don't blow it on something this minor. If this is just an excuse to break off something that is not working anyway, at least be honest with yourself and with him about it.

[KarenSue]

Am I wrong to assume that he is the one to tell you? If he did, I believe he is very serious about you and did not want to leave a lie between you, even that early little lie. That is a good thing. Should he feel guilty? absolutely. Should he be punished for life? No. He did the right thing.

If there is no room for forgiveness in a relationship, there is no relationship imo.

I would evaluate his current character and your feelings for who he is now.

FYI: My 41st wedding anniversary is next week.

Save
Save
Save

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by StewieGG

I found out recently that he lied about being a virgin when we got together, for two years I have believed I was his first. Not only that, but he lost his virginity while cheating on his long distance girlfriend (a girlfriend he only met once and said it wasn't serious) on a one night stand. Do you think it's rational of me to be so shaken, and looking at him in a different light? He never lies to me, and we are very close so it came as a huge shock.

I think that's a pretty big lie to swallow. It seems like a big lie to tell at the beginning of a relationship. So yes, I think it's legit that you are so shaken by it.

Seesaw

[StewieGG]

Thank you for your replies everyone. Our relationship is very solid, which is probably why I was so shaken because I was lied to and he never ever lies to me. I one hundred percent want to forgive him, and am slowly getting over it every day which is a good sign. Your replies have helped me see things in a different light, I really appreciate that. Thanks everyone

[MewMew1996]

I don't think you should hold a grudge towards him for what he did in a past relationship even if it was long term that relationship has nothing to do with yours and we all treat people differently , I completely understand why you'd be upset about him lying to you about being a virgin but maybe he didn't want to admit to you how he lost his because he's embarrassed of his actions in the past relationship and doesn't want you believing that's who he is a "cheater" now I can't tell you what to do everyone has their own set of boundaries and if he's crossed yours no one here should have the power to sway what you're comfortable with . However if you want it work I suggest you talk about in depth and how you feel...

[Agent Misty]

I agree with some of the others, what he did (having a one night stand while taken) is something that shouldn't be taken to harshly or held against him at this point.

OH. Except the part where he completely lied about it for two years. Kept the lie up. For two years. That's NOT ok.

The action he lied about is something that didn't need to even be lied about for so long and is definitely a blow to the trust factor between you two.

[StewieGG]

Originally Posted by Agent Misty

I agree with some of the others, what he did (having a one night stand while taken) is something that shouldn't be taken to harshly or held against him at this point.

OH. Except the part where he completely lied about it for two years. Kept the lie up. For two years. That's NOT ok.

The action he lied about is something that didn't need to even be lied about for so long and is definitely a blow to the trust factor between you two.

That's exactly what I'm struggling to get over.. The lie. I'm giving him a few weeks of space where I'm just focusing on myself and getting over it. Every day is getting easier to not feel so upset with him, but it's going to take a while for me to trust him fully again.

My husband and I are nearing our 30th anniversary. My parents have been married 64 years. Marriages don't last that long if one error is all it takes for the relationship to unfold, if one error is unforgivable. Marriages take work, and repeated forgiveness along the way in an absolute necessity and reality. It just is.

One of the things I know about my own marriage is that when we were younger and just getting started, we didn't necessarily tell each other "everything" about our pasts. We both came from pretty complicated abuse histories; we both were dealing with and would continue to deal with issues of depression and bipolar disorder. So, we kept some things private -- a lot of things actually.

In a few cases, I know my husband wasn't completely truthful with me -- some of it was omission; some of it was lies. But I also came to understand where that came from. He came from a family that held grudges. He came from a family that actively shamed him for errors and never let things go -- even the little things. None of things he lied about or omitted were things that he did against me. They were history. They were things from his past that, right or wrong, he felt shame about and he feared I would leave him, not love him, not be able to forgive him for his past. I don't work that way. He NEVER hurt me. His few lies and omissions about his past really had nothing to do with me or our relationship, and I thanked him for finally trusting me enough to be honest and communicate that past with me, and I moved on. That ability to truly trust a loved one to forgive instead of shame and hold grudges was something he had never experienced in his life, and it was something he had to learn in our relationship. Fortunately, he found the right wife with the willingness to listen and forgive and not throw his errors continually in his face.

We are much stronger, much closer, and much better communicators now as we have both learned that our pasts are exactly that, and we both chose to leave out pasts behind us and build our present and future together.

I am NOT saying my husband could do something directly to me that truly hurt our marriage -- for instance, an affair, abuse, or a crime. There are definitely things I would not be able to get past in our relationship. But his history is history; he didn't continue his errors into our relationship. I can forgive the errors of his youth that had no direct bearing on our present.

[butterfly24]

I agree a lie and about this, is a pretty big thing. It's also true that relationships take forgiveness and accepting that we all have faults.

Has he explained to you why he lied? How did the truth come out?

[StewieGG]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

My husband and I are nearing our 30th anniversary. My parents have been married 64 years. Marriages don't last that long if one error is all it takes for the relationship to unfold, if one error is unforgivable. Marriages take work, and repeated forgiveness along the way in an absolute necessity and reality. It just is.

One of the things I know about my own marriage is that when we were younger and just getting started, we didn't necessarily tell each other "everything" about our pasts. We both came from pretty complicated abuse histories; we both were dealing with and would continue to deal with issues of depression and bipolar disorder. So, we kept some things private -- a lot of things actually.

In a few cases, I know my husband wasn't completely truthful with me -- some of it was omission; some of it was lies. But I also came to understand where that came from. He came from a family that held grudges. He came from a family that actively shamed him for errors and never let things go -- even the little things. None of things he lied about or omitted were things that he did against me. They were history. They were things from his past that, right or wrong, he felt shame about and he feared I would leave him, not love him, not be able to forgive him for his past. I don't work that way. He NEVER hurt me. His few lies and omissions about his past really had nothing to do with me or our relationship, and I thanked him for finally trusting me enough to be honest and communicate that past with me, and I moved on. That ability to truly trust a loved one to forgive instead of shame and hold grudges was something he had never experienced in his life, and it was something he had to learn in our relationship. Fortunately, he found the right wife with the willingness to listen and forgive and not throw his errors continually in his face.

We are much stronger, much closer, and much better communicators now as we have both learned that our pasts are exactly that, and we both chose to leave out pasts behind us and build our present and future together.

I am NOT saying my husband could do something directly to me that truly hurt our marriage -- for instance, an affair, abuse, or a crime. There are definitely things I would not be able to get past in our relationship. But his history is history; he didn't continue his errors into our relationship. I can forgive the errors of his youth that had no direct bearing on our present.

Thank you for sharing that. I believe my boyfriend comes from a similar background where things aren't easily forgiven, I can understand why he kept it from me and I can understand how a little lie turned into a big lie over time. I think it's just something that will take time

[StewieGG]

Originally Posted by butterfly24

I agree a lie and about this, is a pretty big thing. It's also true that relationships take forgiveness and accepting that we all have faults.

Has he explained to you why he lied? How did the truth come out?

The truth came out because I said to him that things didn't add up, I told him I'd be fine if he told me the truth and we could work it out. He then admitted the truth and I got a lot more upset than I intended. He then got very upset and tearful too, he promised me that our relationship is different and he'd never sleep with anyone else and never wants to.

I am going to forgive him. I have forgiven him, actually. I am still hurt though and need time to recover from it. Thank you for your reply and thank you everyone else, every reply has been helpful I appreciate it.

[MewMew1996]

I don't think you should hold a grudge towards him for what he did in a past relationship even if it was long term that relationship has nothing to do with yours and we all treat people differently , I completely understand why you'd be upset about him lying to you about being a virgin but maybe he didn't want to admit to you how he lost his because he's embarrassed of his actions in the past relationship and doesn't want you believing that's who he is a "cheater" now I can't tell you what to do everyone has their own set of boundaries and if he's crossed yours no one here should have the power to sway what you're comfortable with . However if you want it work I suggest you talk about in depth and how you feel...