[lolliebug]

*** Triggers of sexual abuse and drug use***

So last August my sister's husband raped her. He has also been abusive from the beginning. She pressed charges and he is currently in jail awaiting sentencing for up to 5 years in prison.

Last night my sister told me she is going to try and drop the charges against him or at least lessen them. She says she still loves him, which I understand, but I don't understand how she feels the relationship would work out because he was always mentally and emotionally abusive and also raped her. She has always been codependent and afraid of being alone, but this seems to be a bit extreme.

She has also been using a lot more drugs than she had been using. It is to the point where it was making me worry about her safety. She says that the reason she has been using more drugs is because she feels bad about pressing charges against her husband. They have a daughter together and she feels that she is taking the chance away from her daughter and husband to be able to know each other while their daughter grows up.

Before last night I was worried about her increased drug abuse because she has a daughter who depends on her and she should put her daughter first instead of drugs. Now that I got the news about her wanting to get back together with her husband and drop charges has me even more worried about my niece. The relationship between my sister and her husband was a terrible influence on their daughter before the rape and I can only imagine how bad it will be when my sister gets back together with him.

I am worried that he will rape her again and continue to abuse her in other ways. I am also worried for the mental welfare of my niece because of her having to be raised in an environment like that.

I told my sister that her happiness is most important to me and that my displeasure with the situation is not as important. I am very upset about the whole situation though. I know she will be abused again, and her husband might go as far as raping her again. My sister and niece deserve so much better than that.

I have no idea how to cope with this situation or how to react towards my sister concerning her decision. She will do whatever she wants so I know trying to talk her out of it is pointless.

If anyone has any advice for me I am all ears. I have no idea what to do.

[Open Eyes]

lolliebug,

My honest advice is the individual that doesn't deserve ANY of this is the child. This child doesn't deserve to have a mother that abuses drugs and is willing to drop the charges on a husband that has abused her. If it was me, I would call Child Services and report what is going on, you can do this anonymously. That is the only way you can "fix" this situation. Your sister needs to get off drugs and her child needs to be someplace "safe" until her mother gets the help she needs so she can get off the drugs and be a responsible mother.

No child should have to face the neglect that your sister's child is clearly facing because the mother is using drugs. One can not turn back the clock and change the damage being caused by that.

[Crazy Hitch]

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

As far as your sister feeling like she is denying her child of a father unless she drops the charges? She is not denying the child of a father, she is saving the child from possibly witnessing abuse. Children who are raised by parents that suffer abuse struggle THEIR ENTIRE LIFE. A child simply cannot understand yelling, fighting, abuse or if mommy turns to drugs and in so doing neglects that child.

I understand you LOVE your sister, but your sister HAS TO consider the child "first", and that includes you too. Your sister has to get help/therapy to stop using drugs, to understand the consequences both she and her child face by allowing an abusive relationship to continue and for her to get more involved with using drugs. If your sister is increasing her drug use, even though you love her and don't want to hurt her? Your only recourse is to report her so she can get help and as I mentioned the child is "safe" and doesn't end up suffering deep psychological challenges because of the bad choices the mother is making. You can even go read the many threads by individuals who suffered from a parent that was/is an alcoholic/addict in the Children of Alcoholics forum. Like I said, the hurt can last for a lifetime. If your sister is worried about her child and taking a chance? She is already doing that with her own drug use.

[Yoda]

Your sister needs a therapist badly. I had difficulty separating from my abuser too and I know my family doesn't understand why.

You say she is afraid of being alone. Is there a support system she can reach out to? Does she have friends? Does she work? Does she have a therapist?

What kind of drugs does she use?

[lolliebug]

Thanks everyone

I have considered going to court and taking custody of my niece because she does not deserve any of this but have not done so because my sister lives with our mom so I know my mom is there to make sure she is ok. I know that is a lame excuse though. I also don't want my niece to go into foster care because if anyone needs to be taking care of her if my sister is like this it should be my husband and I. I promised her that if she did this that I would try to talk her out of doing the drugs. I also told her that if she got bad enough I would go for custody of her daughter.

I am and adult child of alcoholic parents so I definitely know what drugs and alcohol can do to a child, that is one of the main reasons I don't understand why she is doing the drugs.

She refuses to go to therapy for anything. She has my mother and I to reach out to and she keeps dumping her friends as soon as the relationships gets to close. She is on disability because of her mental illness, so she does not work. She knows she has a drug drug problem but refuses to quit because that is how she "copes with things" (her words).

She uses prescription painkillers most of the time but she also steals other drugs from myself and our mother. She also has the psychiatrist convinced she has ADD so that she can "speed" off of the medication they give her for that.

I really do want to take custody of my niece but with my current mental state I am not sure how good of a care taker I would be to a 2 year old.

I feel like I would tear apart my family if I went to court for custody of her, but I also want the best for my niece.

[MickeyCheeky]

You have every right to be worried.. I'm really sorry this is happening, especially for the child..

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you are facing this challenging dilema. Your sister most definitely needs psychological help and to also stop using drugs. If she is advanced to taking pain medications and opiods, that is bad and can lead to her being in danger of trying heroine.

Your sister's use of drugs to help her avoid feeling the emotional challenges she is feeling is getting dangerous. This can lead to her having significant health problems along with her experiencing worsening psychological challenges.

I can understand your "fear" of reaching out to Child Services, but if your sister is spiraling into drug addiction, she is not going to listen to you and as you have stated this is something that is probably heriditary too. The way to finally break the chain is to "break the chain" which means reaching out for help even if that help seems harsh.

I happened to end up in the ICU because when I had a colonoscopy my spleen was injured and I began bleeding internally. When I was in the ICU the patient next to me was a young woman only about 20ish who OD'd by mixing drugs and her heart was badly damaged, only half her heart was working and this damage was going to change her entire life. It was so upsetting to witness what this young woman was going through and no one was there to stop her and while she was brought out of the OD, she was facing significant challenges.

It's hard to understand how individuals can get so far into drug use, and often the best way to help in this is making the choice to reach out before you end up regretting you didn't.

[stolemyheart87]

You could try talking to her or having her enroll in therapy sessions or not sure what else you can do here. Talking does help, give it a shot and keep using it until it sinks in, is I'd say your best bet here.

[lolliebug]

I am in recovery from addiction to the same things she is doing so I do understand to a point why she is using drugs, but if I had a child I would have never picked them up in the first place because that child would always come first.

I know I should reach out, I really do, but I am scared of the consequences to the rest of my family too.

I haven't tried talking to my sister about how she might lose her daughter, or even her life, if she doesn't stop using but I intend to try and get my point across that way before I go for custody. I know she is going to be very mad at me for bringing it up but it needs done. If she doesn't change after that I plan to go for custody, I just want to try and get through to her first. I have always been more passive aggressive when talking to her about the subject before but I will be direct this time. Maybe it will get through if I do the "tough love" thing since it's usually my last route and she knows that.

Look, until she acknowledges she needs help she is going to turn all efforts away. It will really hurt you and you may come to the point you feel you yourself can't go on. Just try to be there in case she does fall into your arms.

Don't forget to take care of your own needs. This is incredibly stressful and anxiety causing. There are support groups for this sort of thing. Let your own mental healthcare team know the level of torment this is causing for you.

In the meantime, you might want to document things as they arise.

[lolliebug]

Thank you everyone for the advice! It really helped me a lot

[healingme4me]

My understanding is once the DA presses charges, your sister only need not testify against? That's how criminal cases work here. If the DA is going through with their case they are going through with it. Then again, that's how it was in my case unlike those around him believing that it was I that filed charges...au contraire...

[lolliebug]

No one in law enforcement has found out that my sister is doing drugs so she has no cases against her for now.

Can you call child protective services?

The person most in need of protection is your niece. It is not healthy for her to be around her father or her mother at this time.