trying to be sensitive and supportive

I am really trying hard to keep my mouth shut regarding my true feelings. I want to be supportive. I want to be sensitive. Yet, I completely disagree.

My boyfriend's adult daughter has just been dealt a blow regarding her health. She has been diagnosed with MS. The condition onset suddenly and catastrohpicaly. It is significantly advanced.

I have been there offering words of encouragement and support these last two months during the ordeal of her hospital stay as they tried to figure this out (it was first thought a stroke. Then thought cancer. They even did a brain biopsy).

So what is the probem?

My boyfriend has been shattered by his daughter's diagnosis; and, he is in complete denial. He has himelf convinced a miracle is going to happen returning her to full mobility. He talks excitedly of an immanent cure just around the corner.

And this is the quandry. I don't want to be insensitive or unsupportive by pointing out this is likely not the reality she is facing. But neither do I wish to agree with him or encourage the deception.

No parent should have to go through the anguish of seeing a child suffer.

We cope with it differently.

Denial is a coping mechanism. It numbs the pain.

As it's such an extreme situation; I'm not sure what I'd do. I'd very likely also not point out the reality of what is going to happen; but squashing his mission to conquest something that may never happen isn't right either.

So could you tackle this from a different point of view?

Tons of research must have been done on this. Maybe you can start an 'awareness' campaign / group on FB to get support for her? Or blog? Or start a support network or join a support network in your area? That way you are not denying and you are helping the cause by being proactive in a different avenue?

Just a thought.

Some good ideas to ponder.

That's terrible to hear. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation as well.. sorry I'm not really helpful My thoughts go to you, your boyfriend and his daughter..

While my youngest brother was in his last few months of life prior to being taken by Leukemia, some family members (including him, actually) had their hopes variously set upon one or another kind of miracle. I never argued with any of them, I just stuck close to my brother while letting him know I would walk with him to the end while helping him in any way I possibly could along the way. If you have direct contact with the daughter, just "be there" for her and try to be helpful and supportive of her without getting into anything about what anyone else might be thinking or saying. And if you are someone who prays, you can let her know you are praying for her daily without getting into the specifics of your actual prayer. For my brother, I simply prayed he be given strength to endure to the end of his bout with cancer.

That's tough for you all.

When a young family member was going through some severe health issues I remember thinking I could cope with that, I could support her, it was other family members reactions which were actually more difficult to deal with. No easy answers sadly.

He will go through it in his own way and you may have to keep your own counsel for a while as he deals with this blow. You could maybe offer to research MS with him if he's open, if you then steer him towards reliable sources of information which will give you solid facts.

In the meantime if you can talk this through yourself with someone outside the family you might benefit from an unbiased listening ear.

In the "person-centered" listening approach you neither agree nor disagree, you simply understand and accept.

You show that you understand by in some way restating what your boyfriend is saying. "You are really excited about the possibility of a cure." "It sounds like you a tremendously optimistic about it." "You feel certain that the cure is coming soon." Or perhaps, if this be the case on a given day, "You seem really discouraged today."

In this approach the listener is with the other person, nonjudgmentally, acceptingly. The other person is not alone in their joy, sorrow, hope, despair.

The listener does not take a position on what can or will or won't happen; the listener's job is simply to be with the other person during the difficult time.

Denial is normal in the first stages of finding out such sad bad news. I am so very sorry of what he has to deal with and this poor young woman..As a parent I can't even imagine what he is going through. I don't think you should encourage or discourage. Just listen when he wants to talk.

I think we all cope with these sorts of things differently.

I think you can find a way to be supportive without buying into the delusion that a cure is likely.

And while a cure is not likely, its not 100% out of the question because medical advances are being made every day. You can never say never.

I think if you were to be the voice of reason, and tell him that a cure is not likely, he would see you as unsupportive. Perhaps you could keep your true thoughts inside, that the reality is that she is most likely not going to recover, while giving your boyfriend and his daughter kind words of support----but without lying.

Its a fine line to walk, and I wish you the best. Hugs.