Toxic Mother

NotDeadYet · Jan 21, 2017 at 10:10 PM

So what happened was that today my mom wanted to go to the gym but I wasn't feeling good so I opted out going, she kept trying to pester me to go but I still declined as I wanted to go nowhere, she then tried to guilt me by saying " well you kinda hope that your family members would support you in your weight loss" as if I was the only way she could lose weight, she also tried to lie to my uncle by saying she could only go cause I had free passes due to working there, when we all knew that I had bought a membership for her. I did get mad at her and tell I didn't care if she lost the weight or not and she could go by herself, which made her mad and she stormed off.
How do you handle something like this? I'm not the most emotional stable person and will admit that but I don't like it when people think they can do this. She's also on a kick where she's calling everyone else selfish when she herself said she wouldn't buy food for the house cause other people where eating to much of it.

Bill3 · Jan 22, 2017 at 08:05 AM

You might want to read a bit about emotional blackmail, which basically is when someone's behavior is along the lines of If you don't do what I want, I am going to hurt you emotionally.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail

What do you find helpful when trying to exercise self-control after having been provoked?

healingme4me · Jan 22, 2017 at 10:43 AM

Sounds like she has already set herself up to fail.

Her success isn't dependent on others. Which is perhaps obvious and frustrating to you. It's tough reclaiming identity after a couple decades of total immersion in family life. Of course you are supportive, it's that support doesn't require you holding her hand.

Personally, I look forward to small moments of me time. Which is where she needs to get herself to.

Sustainable weight loss is a long process, I would know.

How to handle this? Realize that while she's feeling low about herself, she doesn't seem to have that inner child of hers comfortable with newfound independence. End result is that emotional blackmail.

Not sure about food? Many family members will eat in quantity.

MickeyCheeky · Jan 22, 2017 at 11:11 AM

She sound very mean.. I'm sorry you have to put up with her behavior

NotDeadYet · Jan 22, 2017 at 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

You might want to read a bit about emotional blackmail, which basically is when someone's behavior is along the lines of If you don't do what I want, I am going to hurt you emotionally.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail

What do you find helpful when trying to exercise self-control after having been provoked?

As I said, I'm not the best with my emotions, never have been. But I usually try to leave the situation to calm myself down (which sometimes hasn't worked in the past as my mom seemed deadset to try to escalate the situation more) during that time of me leaving I try to deescalate myself and think about the situation more calmer. Of course I can't in the moment since I'm still not to good at it.

Bill3 · Jan 22, 2017 at 05:44 PM

Thanks!

It is truly rough when you try to withdraw for a while and the other person pursues you so as to keep escalating.

Have you tried techniques such as taking a deep breath, and/or counting to five or ten before responding?

NotDeadYet · Jan 22, 2017 at 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Thanks!

It is truly rough when you try to withdraw for a while and the other person pursues you so as to keep escalating.

Have you tried techniques such as taking a deep breath, and/or counting to five or ten before responding?

No, I can get pretty impulsive when I speak sometimes, I have been reading up on how to stay calm during arguments. Next time she tries to confront me I will try using these to stay calm. But it still gets pretty hard when the other person get under you skin :/

Bill3 · Jan 22, 2017 at 06:21 PM

Yeah, that is rough, especially when they are trying to get under your skin.

Quote:

Next time she tries to confront me I will try using these to stay calm.

Okay, sounds good. When you try them, reflect afterwards, when you are calm, on what happened. Celebrate a bit when you do well but do not judge yourself if you fall short. Just learn what you can and keep trying to figure out what helps you stay calm. It takes time, but you can do it!

Have you ever considered trying meditation?

NotDeadYet · Jan 22, 2017 at 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Yeah, that is rough, especially when they are trying to get under your skin.

Okay, sounds good. When you try them, reflect afterwards, when you are calm, on what happened. Celebrate a bit when you do well but do not judge yourself if you fall short. Just learn what you can and keep trying to figure out what helps you stay calm. It takes time, but you can do it!

Have you ever considered trying meditation?

I have meditated in the past, but I just don't have the patience to be able to fully concentrate on the task so it ends up with be being bored and wanting to do something else. The longest I can go is 6-7 min with a guided meditation video.

Bill3 · Jan 22, 2017 at 06:47 PM

What I would suggest if you were to try meditation again is the following.

-Five minutes is fine, even less is fine.
-No one can fully concentrate on meditation. Everyone's mind wanders. The main thing about it is to recognize that you have wandered and come back without judging yourself. No matter how many times your mind wanders. -That is the training: recognize that you wandered, come back nonjudgmentally.

Meditation can be helpful because it gives practice in recognizing the wandering and doing the coming back. It helps create a good habit. That can help, for example, when you are starting to lose focus on self-control.

*****

You can meditate for one breath. When you feel stressed, for example, you can use the "STOP" technique.

S: Stop what you are doing.
T: take a slow, deliberate breath.
O: Observe something, such as "I am really stressed right now." "My mother is flipping out right now." "My feet are flat on the floor right now."
P: Proceed with what seems best to do.

(Can be repeated as needed

)

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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,948 15 24.1k hugs given	Jan 22, 2017 at 08:05 AM #2 You might want to read a bit about emotional blackmail, which basically is when someone's behavior is along the lines of If you don't do what I want, I am going to hurt you emotionally. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_blackmail What do you find helpful when trying to exercise self-control after having been provoked?
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MickeyCheeky Legendary Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Italy Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!) 8 38.4k hugs given	Jan 22, 2017 at 11:11 AM #4 She sound very mean.. I'm sorry you have to put up with her behavior
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,948 15 24.1k hugs given	Jan 22, 2017 at 05:44 PM #6 Thanks! It is truly rough when you try to withdraw for a while and the other person pursues you so as to keep escalating. Have you tried techniques such as taking a deep breath, and/or counting to five or ten before responding?
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