[lolliebug]

My sister and mom have never got along well. Since we were in middle school they have butt heads almost constantly.

In November my sister had to move in with my mother because she couldn't financially support herself and her daughter.

Ever since she moved back in with mom they have been arguing with each other about stupid stuff. They seem to be unable to sit down like adults and talk through things and come to a compromise or understanding.

Whenever I am with one of them without the other they complain to me about the other. They have been doing this for years and every now and then I have to tell them to keep me out of it. No matter how many times I tell them they always go back to complaining to me.

Today I was at their house and they started getting into a yelling match over things. I got mad so I left without saying goodbye because I knew I would start yelling too. When I got home I called and had them put the phone on speaker so I could tell them what I had to say at the same time. I told them that I left because I was mad and didn't want to start yelling or possibly punch a wall. I told them that I was sick of being out in the middle and I won't tolerate them getting in the middle anymore.

I also told them to not call me the rest of the weekend because I'm mad and don't want to talk to anyone for a couple of days. I just need to calm down before I talk to them otherwise I might get mad while I'm on the phone with them. I also wanted to make a point that I didn't want to hear the complaining anymore by not talking to them for a couple days so they might take me seriously this time.

My sister tried to put me on a guilt trip when I told them not to call me. I told her there was no reason to make me feel bad for something that wasn't my fault. She said she wasn't trying to make me feel bad so I told her that it seemed like she was and to stop.

I told them I loved them and ended the call.

Is this a decent way to handle this situation? What should I do if they start getting me in the middle again? I have to tell them over and over again not to get me in the middle but it never sticks.

Wow, I think its great that you were able to stand up for yourself and tell your mother and sister that their behavior is unacceptable to you.

I understand why you left without saying goodbye. Yes, in a perfect world you would have been able to discuss things with them at the time, but given that you were so mad to the point of yelling/punching a wall, I really do think you did the best thing by walking away.

I think that if they try to put you in the middle again, then you tell them that you are not going to put up with their behavior anymore. If they do not stop, then you walk away again, and hopefully you won't be as mad and will be able to say something like "this is unacceptable to me, I cannot be put in the middle anymore, and when you put me in the middle I am just going to walk away". It may take a number of times of repeating this, but after awhile your sister and mother will get the message that if they want you around, if they want you in their lives, then they will have to learn to respect your boundaries. Yes, this is indeed boundary setting. I think you are off to a good start so far. The important part of boundary setting is to enforce the consequences....i.e. "if you put me in the middle, I will walk away" and then make sure that you follow through by walking away (or leaving, etc.) when they step over the line. You can't control their behavior, but you can say what sort of behavior is acceptable to you, and then remove yourself from the situation when they are treating you poorly.

You have a right to your space, and you have a right to tell your sister that you need space without her guilting you. Really, if you don't want your sister to call you, then she needs to respect this, no matter what your reasoning is. Even if you had no reason, then she should still respect that you need space.

[lolliebug]

Thank you very much for your advice

Walking away or setting some other consequence for them stepping over the line is a good idea. I actually never thought of the idea of a consequence when they step over the line other than repeating myself. Maybe doing that will finally get through their heads because it seems that simply repeating myself doesn't get through to them.

I agree that if I don't want my sister to call, even for no reason, that she should,'t try and make me feel guilty. I try to set up boundaries with her frequently but she always guilts me into doing things anyway. Maybe I need to be more stern about my boundaries. She thinks that I should jump to help with every little thing that she wants.