I feel that my childhood is creeping into my life and my relationship

Hi my name is Kathy and I was abused as a child and I left home when I was 17. I moved 3000 miles away from all I knew and made a new life for myself. I am now 46 yrs old and on my 2nd marriage. And I fight everyday to stay out of depression. I am married to a man that I really love with all my heart but yet I can"t show him. We haven't slept in the same bed for 5 yrs. now. I scream and yell at him and I see that I am tearing him down but I can't stop and he still stays with me. It is so hard for me to let someone love me. I couldn't let my son's father love me and I can't let this man love me. We have been together for 20yrs. And still I can't show him how much I love him... Why?
I sit and when I look in a mirror I see MY MOTHER LOOKING BACK. I feel her in me and it is tearing me up inside. When I was 21 or 22 my son was a baby and I found myself beating him. I went and got help and by the grace of god I never touched my child again. I learned then that everything that happened to me I had to lock up deep inside of me and pull the memories out when I needed to. But, here lately I feel them creeping back in my life. I feel the distant I keep from my husband is somehow connected with these old memories. And I don't know what to do....I have started dreaming of what I and my brother went through. I wake up in cold sweats. I cry all the time.. and when I don't cry I am very very hateful. Just like she was and is. I have forgiven her or so I thought I had. But after all these years it is starting again and I am afraid I am going to lose everything like I did 20 yrs. ago when I pushed my first husband away. And the man still loves me too. And he was a good man. But somehow I couldn't handle that. Just like I can't handle my husband loving me now....Why is this.... how do I get over what happen so many many years ago and be happy? You know I don't think I have been truely happy all my life Everyone likes me and I hate myself. I am just so lost when it comes to feelings. Sometimes I don't think I have any. Anyway I am babbling now and I am sorry. I just need to know how I can get over the past and love my husband the way a wife and a best friend is suppose to do. Thank-You for listening...

Kathy, I feel for you. That sounds so painful and I know first hand how hard it is to see your past disabling you from getting what you want now. I'm working with a therapist now because I want the future that I deserve. You deserve love too! Pehaps opening up to someone around you a bout your past will help (pastor, friend, therapist). Just an idea.