Issues in my realtionship

I am the queen of excuses so your right there but for me if I don't trust anyone then no one can hurt me. I want to trust people but the fear of getting hurt is too much. My fiance has never given me a reason not to trust him other than what is between his legs and that's not fair to him but I have been hurt so many times in my life that not trusting others is my defense. I feel like well if I don't trust anyone than if they do something wrong then I was already expecting it there for it doesn't hurt. I had a horrible childhood so I put up walls early in my life to keep others out 100% I let people in a little but no one gets a 100% in because then if they hurt me then I am left crushed and questioning myself. I feel like if they hurt me then it's because I am not good enough so to avoid the negative self talk after being hurt I shut everyone out.

Well, I don't know how you can expect to have a child if you can't even trust the organ that helps make one.

It's scary, yes. But you need to bite the bullet and take the plunge. No great reward is gained without great risk.

They do but I am only a temp so I don't qualify for the health benefits through my job yet. I hopefully will be going full time soon as the temp service I went through hires for them because the place I work only hires through temp service you can't go into the place I work and put in an application they will send you to one of two temp services they use to hire people and it takes anywhere from 3 months to a year to get hired full time through the temp service because they only hire so many temps at one time and it depends on when my name comes up on the hire list.

I know your right but getting hurt is the scariest thing in the world for me. I hate being hurt and let down. Like I said the minute I get hurt I instantly start thinking why was I not good enough for you that you had to do that to me.

This is your problem IMHO, that you can't stand to be single.

If you're not OK being single, a relationship isn't ever going to make you OK, it isn't going to fix all that is wrong, it isn't going to make everything better.

Here, my old T recommended this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobi...hobia+workbook

Basically, I told her I had issues with anxiety and being afraid to trust and this is what she suggested I take a look at. It's a workbook full of helpful advice, methods and self care and help techniques to help you tackle your fears and anxiety issues head on. I would recommend getting it and working through it while you wait until you are employed full time by your employer and are therefor qualified for health benefits. When you are, you can then find and afford that much needed therapist.

I know but at my age I feel like if I am single I feel like people are saying what is wrong with that loser that no one wants her there must be something wrong with her if no one wants her if someone wanted her she wouldn't be single. Like I said this is really the only flaw my fiance has. I can understand though he feels like I am not pulling my weight around the house and he feels like I need to do more. He does 99.9% of the cleaning where I do .1% and I don't even do that most of the time but then when he tries to do something I just complain that he didn't do it right but I don't take the time to show him how to do it the right way because he doesn't know and honestly I am just too lazy to clean because I hate doing it because it is boring and I would rather be spending my little bit of time I get off work doing something fun anything other than cleaning. I think he may feel under appericated as he is the reason we have our house because my credit sucks and he pays the house payment on his own. I guess I probably should do more than I do to show him I appericate what he does but dragging my lazy butt off the couch is hard. I can see where he would be a little angry by this as he works just as hard to provide me a great life he brought me a brand new 2015 Chevy with only 26 miles on it he put me in a 3 bedroom 2 bath house the least I could is keep it clean as he works to pay for it on his own and our house payment is almost $680 a month.I pay for the car he bought me but that was our deal when he bought for me but I do need to show him I apperatice him more because he does try so hard for me and I don't even clean to show him I am thankful for what he does.

Can I ask why you started this thread?

Is it just vent thread in which you need to get something off your chest and do not want feedback?

It seems like you shut down every suggestion as soon as its made, so I'm not sure that you actually want anything to change.

Also----I think you're confusing "stuff" with happiness. I hope that at some point you realize that if you're not healthy, all of the "stuff" in the world isn't going to make a difference. Yes, you have a nice car and a nice house, but you say you can't afford therapy? I think you need to make some priorities in life. If you aren't putting your own health first, I don't think you're ready for a child. Believe me when I say that kids don't care about "stuff". They much rather have a healthy parent than all the "stuff" in the world.

I started it to vent and to get advice. I always ask for advice from people and then I tend to shut down because I then get afraid of critizism I do want to change my ways but I fear change. I do love my fiance very much and I want to be with him but he does have every right to be angry when he gives me these things and then I don't take care of them. I can not afford therapy because of my other bills my car payment is a little over $260 a month and I get paid every week so one check covers that and then I have money left over. My problem is with saving money and I can not afford therapy because I can not save the money to pay for it. I make about $1,900 a month but then after I pay my bills I blow the rest on stupid stuff so the idea of having to save money to pay for therapy is not something I am good at doing. I could afford it if I didn't blow what is left of my checks every week after paying my bills but I have a shopping addiction so if I have even $50 in a savings account and I am out and I see something for say $30-$40 bucks I like I am like I have the money in savings for that let's just transfer it out and buy it. I have never saved a dime in my life. I had $8 saved and I just took the key to my fiance's safe while he was sleeping to get it and buy me ciggarettes and food to as he doesn't know I already blew my whole check from this week. Granted this check was smaller because I took an overtime day off to attend my niece's first birthday party so I lost at least 8 hours of pay off of this check.

Ok, well I'm going to stop responding as it seems like you're going to say why you can't do something every time someone suggests that you change...

In the end, change starts with you. If you want things to be different, then you'll have to stop making excuses for your behavior which is preventing you from moving forward and getting what you want in life.

People aren't so much criticizing you, rather saying what you could do better to improve your situation. We are all human and none of us are perfect. Its ok to make mistakes, its ok to do things the wrong way.

Also, I think if you want kids, its time to start saving money. Are you aware of how expensive kids are? If you are stealing money from you BF for cigarettes, I don't think you can afford to have a baby right now.

Speaking of smoking, you can't smoke when you're pregnant as that's recklessly endangering the unborn child and can be punishable by law, according to where you live. I'd work on first getting your act together, learning to love yourself, learning to trust, and working on your social anxiety, all the while working on quitting smoking. That way, when you're ready someday in the distant future, you'll be ready right away to get pregnant.

Maybe dishes isn't your thing? After a 10 hour shift, whose dishes are these anyways? Relationships are about give and take. If you're exhausted, he pitches in a little more. If he's exhausted, you step in. Maybe there's other chores that can be mixed and matched? Does he do all the laundry if you only do dishes?

Maybe a small wastebucket near your area? Sometimes making adjustments that accommodate reality help.

As far as him saying that you need to meet demands and you holding out for defying him, well I've dealt with the hyper critical. It led to abuse. Something to consider.

Not sure why you wrote that you don't deserve anything but mistreatment because you've done horrible things? You're posting here which displays a certain freedom from the justice/correction system....?

Edit to Add:And back to dishes for a moment, if you're both too tired, where's the real harm in letting them sit all night? It is what it is.

Broken I spent 6 years in my early 30's alone. Best decision I ever made.

My trust issues run way deep, don't trust anyone male or female until they earn it. But they can't do that if you don't think your worth them spending their time on.
Ergo, you will always be alone, married, dating, family or no family. You will always be on the outside looking in on everyone else's happiness.
You love this guy right? What u got to offer him right now.
If he gives you his all, what are you giving him back?

Whatever you think you feel it isn't love, you need trust for that.
You can change, but you know it's easier to put your fingers in your ears and say you can't.

Just out of interest, what life skills have u got to give a daughter. Do you want her to learn from you how to get her own way. Cos it will be you she acts out on, nobody else.
A son, is this relationship how you want him to learn about communication?

Think long , think hard. Take great care with yourself before you lay this baggage on others.

Right here I stopped and had to comment on this. Red flag already in the fact that he has demands that are inappropriate for a love relationship. it sounds more like what he is treating you like is a subordinate, or an employee or someone that he wants to Lord over, more so than marry. Even in the best situation from this, one cannot imagine that his strict regulations for you will change once you married him, no I anticipate this is a precursor to how the marriage will be "run" (in context of how he will see it, anyway)

this is a game to him. This is purely for manipulation. Keeping you on a string and it is another reason to believe this type of behavior won't stop, if you allowed yourself to conform to it.

you're wrong, he won't get what he wants, because he's the type of person that is never satisfied and seeks to control others as his means of satisfaction. He will do whatever it takes to control your behaviors and actions in every aspect of your life and even if he did accept your meeting of certain terms he will only find new things to set rules on to control your life.

this is not a love relationship. It goes against any and every definition of real love. Love is about acceptance first of all. it's never about putting our mate under a microscope to try and change their personalities and behaviors. The only thing that you are right on in this matter is that it is indeed a relationship but it is a very dysfunctional and will become an abusive one in time, more than likely.

And being defiant to the end about this will not change him either. It will not work out the way that you intend it to because his motivation is not love and giving you anything, it's about making you into what he wants and that won't change.

Can you stop and explain what it is that appeals to you and why you think you love him? What are the reasons that you've left out here that would show what it is that you love about him?

Even more important than what this manipulative man is trying to do to you, the question arises as to why you would have fallen to the belief of some stereotype that men all lie? I won't get into why this is faulty thinking but just to say this begs the question why you think you're ready to be married to a man if they are all liars (and probably cheaters, or any number of other terrible things you might think)? In all honesty this is separate from the issues with the man you are with but something I think you need to work out and work on because NO WHOLE GROUP of people can be lumped into any behavior.

You are right about not giving you what you want but it has nothing to do with him being a man. There are controlling, domineering and abusive people in every group. I would ask yourself the question as to why you can easily say that you don't trust men in general and figure out what happened to give you this belief. Until you work through that, you won't be in a good place with relationships or be ready for marriage. I don't understand how you can have such a low opinion of men but are going so far out of your way to get married to one?

I would honestly stop trying to find a man that you can marry until you can figure out how to stop hating them.

As for the current guy, he's horrible and has given you plenty of signs why he is not someone you should be with, let alone consider marrying. There are decent men, honest men and ones with integrity, but I fear that even so, I don't think any of them will have a chance with you because of your skewed view of them.

Just a suggestion, there's always online therapy. Even if you can't afford it right now, I'd guess some of them accept insurance once you have that or you could always pay if it works out financially at some point. Might not be ideal, but it might be worth considering if you could at least open up better than in person.

I don't trust men because so many men have hurt me in the past.. I also have mild daddy issues as well.

Which I completely understand. But trust and integrity has nothing to do with gender at all. Just the same as there are men that are untrustworthy the same goes for women. Same goes for adults, kids, teens, and any race or religion you want to pick. Not trusting a specific gender is like expecting all of them to be the same and I am sure logically you know this isn't true. But I also realize that much of your fear and distrust is ingrained and has been burned into your heart and mind by repeated offenses. Along with the daddy issues you speak of, of course.

I hope that you consider working through those issues whether on your own or with a therapist. Until you can go into a relationship without the preconceived notions of any kind and can trust someone based on their actions and behavior rather than that they are men, you'll probably be going through this challenge many times.