[Mapper]

I live 2000 miles away from my mother, who is 84. She is in fantastic shape for her age. Mows her own yard, shovels her driveway, climbs the ladder to get leaves out of the gutter, rakes and bags her own leaves. I've been here for almost 8 years now. It was very hard on her when I left and she basically asked me if I could find someone else nearby rather than move out to be with my fiance who I had been with for 4 years. She also said such hurtful things as "I should have had more kids so some would stick around". I thought that was horrible of her to say to a 37 year old woman. She eventually got used to me being gone and now she tells her sister who is going through the same thing "Well you have to let them go".

Well she tells me that last week she got stopped by a cop. She had only been stopped once before 20 years prior for going about 10 mph over on a rural hwy. She said she was so flustered that she couldn't hit the right button to get the window down. Well she never can even when I'm in the car. She'll hit the lock/unlock, pull the button instead of push it. So the cop had to open the door and get the window for her, which I'm sure made him question her mental state. He said she had drifted out of her lane a bit while he was following her. He asked her if she had any alcohol in the car (she doesn't drink), asked if she knew where she was going (the grocery store). She said he made her feel very incompentent. She didn't get a ticket, but a written warning and was told she'd be getting a letter in the mail from the DMV. Well I emailed the DMV, and although they can't tell me what they mailed her, it is a medical form that she has to take to her doctor and have him fill out so they can see if she needs to be reevaluated for her driving. I haven't talked to her to see if she's received this but I think she either got it yesterday or will get it today.

She told me on the phone last week nearly in tears that if she needs to retest she knows she'll fail. If her driving is taken away she will be so depressed. She doesn't go far, no more than 5 miles from home because everything she needs is within that distance. There's no public transportation near her and she doesn't want to have to call an elderly van service to take her places. I know she would be so nervous as well and probably not do great. She'd be lucky if she can even get to the DMV, which she has gone to several times years and years ago, but she would probably be terrified of going outside of her comfort zone. I just know when I talk to her it's going to end up her saying "What am I going to do? I'm going to fail this. I'll have nobody to take me anywhere because neither of you girls stayed close to home." Then it will be our mission to try to figure things out for her because she kind of expects it. I am hoping her doctor (who has always said she's in good shape) just says she's fine so she can keep driving.

If her privileges should be taken away, does she have a smart phone? My brother-in-law recently got my mother-in-law a smart phone. She loves it and handles it just fine after some initial help getting used to it. Your mom could use services like Uber.

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

If her privileges should be taken away, does she have a smart phone? My brother-in-law recently got my mother-in-law a smart phone. She loves it and handles it just fine after some initial help getting used to it. Your mom could use services like Uber.

Nope! She doesn't even want a simple cell phone. She's just got the 1960's corded phone. She's too afraid of technology, too freaked out by it and has no clue how to use it and doesn't want to learn. Just like she doesn't have or want a computer or even have a cordless phone. Too hard for her! It took her forever to get a microwave (actually had us take one back to the store 30 years ago because she didn't want it) and that's the most technological thing she has next to a tv.

She's had her same car for about 18 years now and has only about 48,000 miles on it! It had maybe 1,500 miles when she got it so you can see she doesn't drive a whole lot.

Our community has services that will get senior citizens to the nearest bus stop (you only need to call them). Not saying that is the answer but maybe do some research to see what is available in her area? Ocassionally senior drivers do cause accidents (putting themselves at risk) so it was a good practice for the cop to take the precaution that he did.
PS Though not safer for the senior--some of them around here trade in their cars for golf carts. There is an assisted living facility across the creek from me, one female senior (looks 90) rides her 3 wheeled bicycle with a big basket across the creek to grocery shop......

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Our community has services that will get senior citizens to the nearest bus stop (you only need to call them). Not saying that is the answer but maybe do some research to see what is available in her area? Ocassionally senior drivers do cause accidents (putting themselves at risk) so it was a good practice for the cop to take the precaution that he did.

Well yes there are senior van services, but we brought this up to her last year when she tripped on a board outside and hurt her leg but she didn't want anything to do with it. She wouldn't even go to the doctor and actually crawled around the house because she couldn't walk on it. Wouldn't even let the neighbor's know what was going on for a few weeks so they could help, even when they came to the door she would take some time to get there but then just stand there so they had no idea what was going on. Within about 6 weeks she was fine and got around the house by crawling until I sent her a cane. She said it took her about 20 minutes to go out and back out to the mailbox and she did it at like 3AM so it was dark and nobody would see her! She's way too proud to ask for any help.

Oh I feel for you and her, that is a tough one. It is better she gets evaluated though, for her own safety and others, unfortunately I don't think there's a win-win to be had here.

I don't know financial circumstances but maybe if she does have to stop driving she could use the money from car sale and saved from insurance/tax etc, to fund an account with a local taxi firm? Might be less of an affront to her independent spirit to get a cab than a senior bus if she can afford it?

[~Christina]

My great grandmother was like your Mom... still driving in her early 90's. One day she pulled right out in front my school bus. Could have been a huge tradgey. She just wasn't safe to drive anymore.

As prefab said .. sale of the car would actually save her money , she could use for a cab... wouldn't cost much considering everything she needs is very close.

It's hard to give up the independence of driving but it would be awful if she were to hurt anyone.

If i lived in an area with public transportation or cabs I would seriously question my need for a car but I live in bfe there is not a single cab in 50 miles.

I hope your mom stays healthy and safe

[divine1966]

Oh it's a tough one. Is there a chance you can relocate your mom closer to you?

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Oh it's a tough one. Is there a chance you can relocate your mom closer to you?

Nope! She doesn't want to move down the street, much less across the country. She won't even come visit me because she has no idea HOW to do it. She would never travel alone, never make her own travel plans. She has to have someone else do all the work and she just tails along. We've asked her numerous times to come visit, as has my sister, but she won't come. Yet if her brothers and sisters go to visit family somewhere they may ask her to go and she'll go no problem.

[divine1966]

She sounds very old fashioned. Or did she always relied on her husband? My sister in law is very reliant on my brother abd wouldn't be able to get anything done by herself

[Mapper]

Originally Posted by divine1966

She sounds very old fashioned. Or did she always relied on her husband? My sister in law is very reliant on my brother abd wouldn't be able to get anything done by herself

Well my dad died when I was 14 (she was 53) and she was never afraid to do stuff after he died. I mean she was never a person who wanted to go out all that much, but I remember her taking a night class on taxes, driving to places further away from where she would ever dare go now, just wanting to do things. She takes care of her house all on her own and has no problem with that. She is just so scared of technology and it seems like the things that everyone would know how to do, she just gets so flustered with. I was driving to visit relatives with her during my last visit and she wanted to call them letting them know we were close so I told her to take the phone out of my purse and call them. She literally pulled it out and said "Is this it?" Yes, that's a phone! When I was visiting her I had called my sister on my cell and gave the phone to my mom to talk to her afterwards. You can walk around with the cell, but she is so used to her corded 1960s phone that she sat in the chair next to the phone because she probably didn't think she could walk around with it. Then she hands it back to me afterwards saying she doesn't know what button to push to hang up. She doesn't understand computers, although she's never tried to, and will not get one even though it would be so much easier to communicate via email when I want to show her something rather than send a letter. Nope she wants nothing to do with it claiming she wouldn't even know how to turn it on. Well she mastered her remote control after several explanations to her about it.

And I learned when I talked to her on the phone last week that she has never taken a driver's test in her life! She grew up in a rural area and she said at 16 she just drove around with her dad and the town sheriff and then got her license. Has never parallel parked. Has never had to learn the rules of the road, take written tests. So now, after nearly 70 years of driving, if she had to take a written and driving test, I'm sure she would flunk with flying colors...simply just due to her being so nervous and probably not being able to follow the directions of someone because she'd be so freaked out about driving in a place she never goes and so focused on where she is. I mean, she only drives the same routes all the time (church, grocery store, bank), all within 5 miles of her house and would never drive in a new place so in a way I think that test isn't fair to her because they are judging her driving places she would never go.

[avlady]

devine66, i myself don't drive and need my husband to drive me anywhere and he does it with a good heart. its awful not being able to drive as our lives revolve around transportation.

[Mapper]

Well she took her paperwork from the DMV yesterday into her doctor's office. She said he read through what the officer wrote and then asked her when the last time she had a road test and she told the doctor never. He told her it might be a good idea to have one and from the way she told me on the phone, it sounded like she pleaded with him with "PLEASE doctor, don't make me take a driving test!". Almost sounded like she was on the verge of tears about it. He tested her and marked her as okay and not needing a skills or road test. I knew he wouldn't make her do it, either by his choice or by her pleading with him. However, even though he marked everything as okay, that still doesn't mean the DMV won't choose to test her anyways.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by avlady

devine66, i myself don't drive and need my husband to drive me anywhere and he does it with a good heart. its awful not being able to drive as our lives revolve around transportation.

I am not sure why you are replying to me. I never said a word about driving/not driving. My DD never drove yet she has a professional job and graduate degree, clearly not driving is not an issue. I don't judge people based on their driving ability. Plenty of people all over the world do not drive. Not sure why I am being mentioned in this context