Something's been on my mind. I can't really talk about this to my boyfriend.

At first, our relationship was poor. He didn't make an effort for me, although he said he wanted to and was trying, and he said he wanted our relationship to be a committed one. I had trouble getting him to talk to me. He'd rarely message me. At some point, after some months together, he kissed another girl because I was very slow to become sexually intimate. He tearfully admitted this to me later and said he was a bad person, but I forgave him and said we'd need to rework to rebuild my trust, which he agreed with and happily helped by letting me see things of his he usually kept private.

His admittance of this came after I looked at his computer and found out that he had been bad-talking me to some of his friends online. He said this was because he was so upset from our fights at the time, but he had been stopping this (the last time was a couple of months ago), and he didn't want to do this again.

So, long story short, he had done some bad things but wants to make things right with me. And I forgave him.

He did say he felt a lot better after talking about the things he did and that he actually felt like a weight was off his chest, so he forgave me for snooping on his computer.

I think I'm mostly worried about the earlier imbalance in our relationship. I had put a lot of effort in our relationship early on in the relationship. And I still feel taken advantage of to some extent. He's apologized over and over and has put even more effort than normal in the relationship lately, and he'd already put a lot more effort in it lately.

Is it possible for a guy to be with someone for a long time, and much later in the relationship suddenly realize he wants to put in more effort? He started putting in more effort about 6 months in our relationship. We've been together 2 years.

I'm also mystified as to why he's changed so much. Early on, he seemed to understand what to do in a good relationship, but didn't follow through in those thoughts. Almost like an immaturity, in that he didn't seem to be very thoughtful of other people, including me. I'd drive hours to see him and he didn't seem very thankful. Now, he seems more thoughtful in general, and is much better at speaking about feelings. He feels guilty if I even drive him across town. Is it possible that I brought that part of him out? He has said I make him want to improve, which makes me very happy. But still, what a change. I just can't understand it. Should I be worried?

I ask all this because he asked me if I wanted to get married. He didn't propose or anything, but just brought it up, which I appreciated. I did say yes, so I just want to clear the air before we get into our long commitment to each other.

He clearly wants to stay with me, but I wonder what caused his change to ignore my feelings to suddenly caring deeply about them. Nowadays, he's the most gentle, sweet guy you could imagine. He holds me when I cry or need to talk, and he listens and answers with his own thoughts. I used to think he really was a sweet guy, but was just very quiet and nervous, so that would explain it. Maybe he just feels more comfortable with me now?

[Bill3]

It sounds like right now he has 18 months of not putting in much effort and six months of putting in effort. You appreciate the change but also, it sounds like, are not completely sure that you trust that it is for real.

An option would be to give things more to time clarify and for trust to grow. A year from now, for example, there would be 18 months of little effort and, hopefully, 18 months of more effort. Perhaps at that time you will be able to trust him considerably more than you can right now.

Thank you, Bill. I'll think it over.

Oh yeah, for future readers, I'm rarely on psych central. Might take a while to reply, or may not be able to. I often read replies to my posts on the go. Just so busy with school and work Just know that I appreciate it!

[amk188]

Hello! it sounds to me like he has made a difference in his actions, but you still seem to be hesitant. What do you think is making you second guess his intentions?