[ssintas]

So I have this problem.
I get really, really attached to people all of a sudden. It's usually after sleeping with them, which I guess is kind of normal, but it's like a flip is switched and the other person usually doesn't understand why I feel so strongly all of a sudden.

Here's my situation:
I met a girl off of tinder about a year and a half ago. We established that we only wanted casual stuff, because she had a boyfriend of a few years (who knew about this and was ok with it). I'm also a girl, btw. She wanted to experiment with another woman because she thought she was bisexual etc. It was all fine and we hooked up a few times and then lost contact for six months.

A few months ago she texted me and we ended up hanging out, just as friends this time. She had broken up with her long term boyfriend and was casually seeing someone else. After about a month or two of us hanging out as friends again, she suddenly broke up with the guy she'd been seeing and we slept together again. Now the trouble starts. I had told her that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with anyone, but then I began catching feelings for her. We started texting and snap chatting every day, a lot of times all day. I left for a vacation after sleeping with her again, and we were in constant contact the whole time.

Then when I got back, she became distant. I realized (through social media and stuff) that she'd gotten back together with the guy. I asked to hang out a few times(as friends), and she agreed but then bailed. I got the hint and we kinda fell out of touch. A few weeks ago, she asked to hang out and ever since then, we've been in constant contact again via texting and snapchat, but I still feel like she's keeping me at an arms distance. She frequently flirts with me and calls me beautiful/funny/etc, more than I flirt with her actually because I feel like I need to respect the boyfriend boundary. I’m just not sure what to do at this point.

The guy she’s seeing is head over heels for her and is a great person. He constantly showers her with gifts and goes out of his way for her. She has expressed that she feels overwhelmed by all this and doesn’t seem to feel as strongly about him. I have a hunch that she knows what an incredible guy he is and doesn’t want to leave him for that reason and for all the things he does for her, but isn’t really that…into him. However, this is just my impression; it might be wishful thinking. I’m also wondering if she’s apprehensive because I’m another woman. She said that she knows now that she’s definitely bisexual, but still.
Sorry that was so long, any advice would be really appreciated. I’m just so confused and upset over this.

TDLR: As soon as I caught feelings for a girl, she got into another relationship, but she still constantly flirts with me. I’m not sure what to do.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think she's using you for sexual gratification. She doesn't want a stable relationship with you; she wants a f buddy.

I know you have feelings for her; but for so long as you two continue to hook up whilst she's in relationships with other guys; the longer your feelings are going to get hurt.

Does she know that you've fallen for her?

[ssintas]

Originally Posted by Crazy Hitch

I think she's using you for sexual gratification. She doesn't want a stable relationship with you; she wants a f buddy.

I know you have feelings for her; but for so long as you two continue to hook up whilst she's in relationships with other guys; the longer your feelings are going to get hurt.

Does she know that you've fallen for her?

That could be true. We haven't been hooking up while she's with this new guy (except when she broke up with him for a second)because that would be cheating. We haven't slept together for about two months.

No, she doesn't. I'm not sure how to bring it up while she's with that guy. I want to tell her in person, and we live about 40 mins away, so I don't see her in person very often.

[hobo2000]

Originally Posted by ssintas

So I have this problem.
I get really, really attached to people all of a sudden. It's usually after sleeping with them, which I guess is kind of normal, but it's like a flip is switched and the other person usually doesn't understand why I feel so strongly all of a sudden.

Here's my situation:
I met a girl off of tinder about a year and a half ago. We established that we only wanted casual stuff, because she had a boyfriend of a few years (who knew about this and was ok with it). I'm also a girl, btw. She wanted to experiment with another woman because she thought she was bisexual etc. It was all fine and we hooked up a few times and then lost contact for six months.

A few months ago she texted me and we ended up hanging out, just as friends this time. She had broken up with her long term boyfriend and was casually seeing someone else. After about a month or two of us hanging out as friends again, she suddenly broke up with the guy she'd been seeing and we slept together again. Now the trouble starts. I had told her that I wasn’t interested in a relationship with anyone, but then I began catching feelings for her. We started texting and snap chatting every day, a lot of times all day. I left for a vacation after sleeping with her again, and we were in constant contact the whole time.

Then when I got back, she became distant. I realized (through social media and stuff) that she'd gotten back together with the guy. I asked to hang out a few times(as friends), and she agreed but then bailed. I got the hint and we kinda fell out of touch. A few weeks ago, she asked to hang out and ever since then, we've been in constant contact again via texting and snapchat, but I still feel like she's keeping me at an arms distance. She frequently flirts with me and calls me beautiful/funny/etc, more than I flirt with her actually because I feel like I need to respect the boyfriend boundary. I’m just not sure what to do at this point.

The guy she’s seeing is head over heels for her and is a great person. He constantly showers her with gifts and goes out of his way for her. She has expressed that she feels overwhelmed by all this and doesn’t seem to feel as strongly about him. I have a hunch that she knows what an incredible guy he is and doesn’t want to leave him for that reason and for all the things he does for her, but isn’t really that…into him. However, this is just my impression; it might be wishful thinking. I’m also wondering if she’s apprehensive because I’m another woman. She said that she knows now that she’s definitely bisexual, but still.
Sorry that was so long, any advice would be really appreciated. I’m just so confused and upset over this.

TDLR: As soon as I caught feelings for a girl, she got into another relationship, but she still constantly flirts with me. I’m not sure what to do.

The person you described sounds like a Narcissist. She doesn't sound like she has any sincere feelings for either you or her boyfriend. Don't waste your energy on her if she won't be genuine or honest with you. If you can't communicate like an adult with her cut her off before she causes you any more distress. Some people just aren't able to be committed to a serious relationship and she sounds like one of them.

[NEGuyfromBritain]

In my opinion I would just cut contact with her for a while. If she's really unhappy with him and wants to be with you she'll realise it when she thinks she's going to lose you and reach out. If you keep contact with her she's in total control and can play you both however she wants.
That's just my opinion though, I've been in similar situations in past and have resorted to doing this, it doesn't always go the way you hope but why would you ever want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah, I think she may be using you.. I'd be careful, honestly, and try to move on from her, even though is hard :/ but that's your choice. Just be careful, ok?

[Erebos]

Ok this is where I have some issues with labels.
It doesn't matter if your gay ,straight, no, poly, pan or ace.
You should be treating your partners with the same respect and affection you want to receive yourself.

I don't think she is confused about her sexuality, imho she likes the label. I think she knows exactly what she wants, which is a main course with desert on the side but without paying for the cheque.

She has two people massaging her ego with no reason to stop. You have seen for yourself how capable she is of using her current boyfriend yet you feel you would have better luck?

So here is the question, why do you feel your only worth someone like this?
She has no complications or regrets about sleeping with someone whilst with someone. Permission or not, most people feel uncomfortable with this arrangement.

You are aware she has a lovely boyfriend who she is essentially using because she knows she has it made.

What is it about this girl that is so attrActive, because it isn't her treatment of others?

On a hypothetical note, supposing you got together, and she comes to you saying There was a guy she was really attracted to. That she just wanted a fling, but it meant nothing?
I ask this cos I hear it alot in bi/gay relationships.

Perhaps you should look at why you form these attachments so quickly, what it is your really looking for and is this person honestly the right person to provide you with what you need?

I hope that whatever hAppens everything works out for the best and you find someone who is happiest with just you.

[ssintas]

Originally Posted by NEGuyfromBritain

In my opinion I would just cut contact with her for a while. If she's really unhappy with him and wants to be with you she'll realise it when she thinks she's going to lose you and reach out. If you keep contact with her she's in total control and can play you both however she wants.
That's just my opinion though, I've been in similar situations in past and have resorted to doing this, it doesn't always go the way you hope but why would you ever want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?

Do you think I should tell her that I have feelings for her? I figured she would be able to tell but I'm not sure...worst comes to worst I lose a friend, but at least I got it off my chest.
I stopped talking to her for a month a while back and she reached out again, but I still feel like she's keeping me at a distance.

Originally Posted by Erebos

Ok this is where I have some issues with labels.
It doesn't matter if your gay ,straight, no, poly, pan or ace.
You should be treating your partners with the same respect and affection you want to receive yourself.

I don't think she is confused about her sexuality, imho she likes the label. I think she knows exactly what she wants, which is a main course with desert on the side but without paying for the cheque.

She has two people massaging her ego with no reason to stop. You have seen for yourself how capable she is of using her current boyfriend yet you feel you would have better luck?

So here is the question, why do you feel your only worth someone like this?
She has no complications or regrets about sleeping with someone whilst with someone. Permission or not, most people feel uncomfortable with this arrangement.

You are aware she has a lovely boyfriend who she is essentially using because she knows she has it made.

What is it about this girl that is so attrActive, because it isn't her treatment of others?

On a hypothetical note, supposing you got together, and she comes to you saying There was a guy she was really attracted to. That she just wanted a fling, but it meant nothing?
I ask this cos I hear it alot in bi/gay relationships.

Perhaps you should look at why you form these attachments so quickly, what it is your really looking for and is this person honestly the right person to provide you with what you need?

I hope that whatever hAppens everything works out for the best and you find someone who is happiest with just you.

Thank you for all this I guess we just have very similar interests and are compatible in a lot of ways, hence being pretty good friends, and that's why she's attractive to me.
As far as the hypothetical question goes, I wouldn't be okay with it at all. I think her first bf (the one who knew we were sleeping together) was ok with the situation because it seems like there's this general assumption that two women are just experimenting and that it's not a threat.

[NEGuyfromBritain]

Originally Posted by ssintas

Do you think I should tell her that I have feelings for her? I figured she would be able to tell but I'm not sure...worst comes to worst I lose a friend, but at least I got it off my chest.
I stopped talking to her for a month a while back and she reached out again, but I still feel like she's keeping me at a distance.

It's not a bad idea, you could tell her how you feel and then if she doesn't feel the same way cut contact with her or if she does but refuses to leave her boyfriend then cut contact. I think when it becomes apparent that she might lose you for good she will do something to stop that happening if she has feelings for you too