Engaged friend call me her "other boyfriend"

Just like the title says - I've known her for three years and when I see her she seems excited to see me. However, she is engaged and I know she's made a decision. The problem I have is she still wants to be my friend and she's flirts when I'm around her??????? Also she calls me her "other boyfriend" yikes......I'm her friend but I think she's toying with trouble because I already like her - I could get hurt..... I'm a little struck by her attention considering she's getting married. I know people are going to say she just likes attention but I hope she's not making a mistake by marrying somebody she doesn't really love....confused thanks!

Some people's friendliness can be misread...

My manager refers to our coworker as her work husband, its sort of an inside joke, nobody dare takes it seriously.

Even his wife is in on it.

I've done similar with my male friends too.

I wouldn't read that much into it if I were you.

Flirting and Love really aren't the same thing. Maybe she has developed a habit over time being overly chatty & friendly toward you... and you with her. I would suggest talking with her openly about her motives, but more than likely its just a case of friendly harmless affection.

Not all people marry for love...and we can't pretend to know what is in another persons mind. If her attentions cause you to feel uncomfortable, then you need to define the basis of your friendship with her I think.

Yeah I agree flirting is not the same as love, although personally I am very careful with how I relate to male friends (I'm married and my husband would not appreciate it if I flirted - although it's not my style anyway).

How do you feel about her? You write you like her, is that in a romantic sense?

you can't get hurt if you draw the clear line in the sand for yourself. I think it could be a sign that she's playing with fire but you don't have to be the one she does that with and therefore you don't have to get burned. You clearly sound like you like her but know there is a boundary there. Keep it that way and if she can't do that, and you're uncomfortable with it, make it clear where you stand.

She also could just be flirting for no serious reason, although still inappropriate in my mind, it could mean nothing.

Don't even go there with the questioning if she's marrying someone she doesn't love, it will only serve to cause problems for both of you. She made her decision, don't question it.

If you can't draw the line and remain behind it, then you need to opt out of being in contact with this person. if you're confused and unsure of what to do then you should move on and opt out of this relationship. Only remain friends with her is you have a solid understanding of where you should stand in all this. A friend. Nothing more. If you can't handle that and wonder too much. cut her loose as a friend.

No it's not an easy decision to make but it is one that needs to be made considering she's engaged.

I agree with your statements about some people calling others their work "spouse" etc. But I've never heard it in the type of situation where someone is engaged and doing so. in my experience it's with couples that are already pretty solid in their real commitment whether married or just together exclusively.

It's the context of this one that has me wondering if this is a serious concern.

Her engagement is fresh - like last week. She's been with this guy for a year and she's been real friendly with me the whole time. She has also confided in me about several things she didn't like about the relationship - yeah I probably have some feelings for her and if I see her marriage die in a couple of years I'll be kicking myself....I know you're thinking steer clear ☹️ I know I'm probably just the other guy.....

If she has been telling you (another man) about her relationship issues she sounds like she has boundary issues - it's not fair on her fiancé that she talks about him behind his back like that.

Yeah well she told me his kids are brats and he has low self esteem from his previous marriage - these are red flags for me but I'm not marrying the guy.....

But to put it another way it's also a red flag that she thinks it's acceptable to talk about her relationship in detail with another man. It's not very discreet of her.

Yep - seems to me she's not real concerned about dumping on him with friends - this is disrespectful and really a bad sign for someone you're about to marry. I don't know him so I only have her perspective - but I can see this being an issue going forward.......

Wow how old are the kids? Sounds to me like she knows shes effing herself up. He has low self esteem because he has low self esteem, you dont really get it from your wife. More like your parents, and then you choose your wife to reinforce it.

On the preservative commitment perspective, her behavior is wrong.
But the most important thing is how you feel about this.
I'd confidently ask her why is she acting in a flirtatious way when she's engaged. That way you can get the answer from the horse's mouth (just a pun).
Or, you can set friendly boundaries so the friendship will be more settled with less questionable feelings.

Hi! Why do you think she is flirting with you? Like what did she say exactly?

MacD

I think over a long time here you have talked about this coffee barista .... flirty with you. Flirty is not love. As already advised.

What's she's doing is wrong of course.... but she's young per your previous statement(s) and to be honest younger people are more open and flirty.

She should not be complaining to you about him. This generation is not like yours, at all.

She should quit ! But if she doesn't then it's up to You to stop your thoughts that you might get a chance with her.

Why torment yourself any longer ?

Only you are able to stop this mess.

Okay I need to clarify where I am on this issue. First of all she brought up the shortcomings in a conversation when I was buying coffee. These days, I do not see her outside of where she works. I don't text her or try to communicate with her through social media. That said, our background is quite lengthy - I have known her for years and we are close friends. Before she was serious with this man, I used to buy her flowers every week along with birthday and Christmas gifts - she loved these gifts. In the past she has called me her best friend so when I heard she had misgivings about a man she was about to commit to I got concerned. I don't actively pursue her and I'm aware she is in a relationship. I know I have talked about her before but we are closer then I think a lot of people here think we are (she isn't a passing fancy she's a friend and somebody I care about). She also had asked me to come to her wedding - she wouldn't do that if I was an acquaintance. Thanks everybody.

Psychologists might call this splitting. She has a good boyfriend (you) and a bad fiance (him).

It really doesn't matter whether it's fresh or not. A decision to marry is one to just simply be respected.

Thing is, you attribute her confiding in you to signs it might not work out. I attribute her complaining about her relationship as signs that she's not someone you probably want to be involved with in the first place even if she were single and available.

Why? If she is at a stage when the relationship should be at one of its high points, (early days when you're very much in love with your mate and romancing still) and can complain about it at the same time, it says much more about her character than it does about the state of the relationship. Regardless of how good or questionable the state of the relationship is. Think about this, if she's supposedly in love with this man yet disrespecting him by confiding in another man about what she doesn't like, what makes you think she would be any different with you or any other man?

Is that the type of person you want to be in a relationship with? Just from what you've said in your latest response to my comment tells me she is double minded. You cannot serve two masters equally. You cannot be involved wholeheartedly in a relationship while tearing it down verbally to another, especially not another of the opposite sex. Typically the other person will pick up on this and become overly involved, or interested, like you have.

I haven't heard much more on this issue. I know that whatever I say is probably not going to change her mind. I don't really know that much about her boyfriend except what she's told me and it's been mostly on the downside. Personally he's not my cup of tea but she must see something good about this guy she's wearing his ring. You're right I do care about her and I'm probably overstepping my bounds. And you're also right that she probably shouldn't be discussing her reservations about her marriage with friends. I'm just going to sit on the sidelines and let her decide if it's worth it - I'm too emotional to give her unbiased advice......thanks

You're not just overstepping, you are totally trampling.

Look - the truth is to her, you're a lovesick old dog running after her for shreds of attention. She has someone she's going to marry and you following her hanging on every word. Just like she disrespects her fiance by talking about him it wouldn't surprise me if she's said some things behind YOUR back as well about how you trail around after her.

So how do you feel about that? Even in your posts you come off as lovesick and trying to play it off as friendship. I can guarantee that on HER end its just her being flattered or thinking she's hot. Start hanging out with people your own age and develop mature relationships - this one-sided stuff must get tiring.

to be honest, you shouldn't even be in the sidelines with this one. Write it off in her mind that she's DECIDED it's worth it, THEY ARE ENGAGED. It's over, done... finished. Nothing to sit on the sidelines for, just move on. You're just causing yourself more distress by waiting for something you have no evidence of having anything to wait for.

Yeah well I am a love sick old dog - so what that's just the situation. I don't really want to be but that's the way it is. That said I don't really persue a relationship with her, i.e. I don't go out of my way just to be around her. What's kinda weird is the last time I talked to her she said "I love you"' to me in passing. Now I hate to be a clingy old person but to me those are powerful words and I appreciate the sentiment even if she's had no intention of being in my life. These words mean to me that she has feelings for me at some level and I'm hanging onto that......

I think it's good that (as you posted on another thread) you are getting out on a date with a woman who is available.

We can get hooked on unsuitable people (like your unavailable engaged friend) for all sorts of reasons, sometimes it's intimacy avoidance because if someone is unavailable it means never having to take the risk of a real relationship.

Thanks I think in my case it's a lifetime of being outside any real connections that makes me want to hold on - even if there is little chance for a lasting connection.....every loss at this point feels like the end.. keep breathing I guess......🌹🌹🌹

Yes, it's often not the person as such but what they represent to us. It can seem like a person is the solution to our problems (loneliness etc) but they aren't, that is within us.