I cheated and I'm a horrible person

Hey I'm new and if this isn't the right place or I'm not welcomed I understand. I'm in love with my boyfriend and I know he loves me but he tends to not message back. One day he stop messaging me around 3pm and it was now 2 am I drank since today was a special day but I didn't want to drink to much. This guy I had a thing with started talking to me and tried to get at me but I told him I have a boyfriend and so we just started talking. I was very upset with my boyfriend knowing he's just ignoring my messages. The guy I'll call jerry was still talking to me and I started to drink more and slowly got drunk he got something out of me I've never said before out loud, it was something in the past that happened. I'm was very depressed person but now I've kinda gained control but I have panic attacks and bad anxiety. After telling jerry what happened I left to the bathroom so I won't say anything else. He went to the bathroom to see if I was okay and I need someone there with me cause bad memories alcohol and depression don't mix well. I got up and he kissed me and I wanted comfort so yes I did kiss him back. I push him off cause I was deeply in love with my boyfriend and I didn't want jerry, I wanted my boyfriend. I sat down and we kissed again and I told him to leave when he wouldn't leave immediately I bit his lip very hard and he left.
Once my boyfriend messaged me i told him I cheated right away. Who ever I told kept tell me to tell basics and not the whole story to make it look like it not my fault. I'm not a bad at lying I just choose not to. I did as they said but i made it obvious that I kissed jerry too. My boyfriend said we'll be together but I need to gain trust. I want to kill myself. Yes I got him back but I'm a terrible person and I'm going to say the whole thing to him once I see him in person. But I need help cause either way him coming back or not I still want to die and it's horrible! I can't sleep or eat, I go out with family so I just won't stay in bed but is so hard to.

I notice that you are new to PC, welcome! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit!

People make mistakes. You recognize that what you did was wrong, and feel remorseful about it. That matters a lot. Also, although kissing someone else definitely still counts as cheating, it's (to me) not as bad as sleeping with another person. You stopped the situation before it could get that far, and that's good! Please don't be so hard on yourself. Just don't do anything like this again, and over time you will regain your boyfriend's trust. Good luck.

Are you a horrible person? No, you're not horrible. You just had a bad day and made a mistake. At least you admitted it to your boyfriend and you are wanting to fix the situation. There are millions of people who cheat, lie, keep it a secret and never want to fix the situation. You feel remorse and regret and taking responsibility of your actions is the first step to recovery and forgiveness. I think it would benefit you to talk to a therapist because whatever is bothering you about the past does not seem like it has been dealt with. Yes, trust has to be earned back but look at it this way, he decided to stay with you even through your transgressions instead of leaving. Just in that decision he's telling you he loves you enough to rise through the hard times.