[hawaii123]

I've had a lot of time on my hands of the last two months and I've been turning this over in my head so much any outside input would help, not even sure why im posting this here but why not



I have been with my girlfriend for two and a half years. She is diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and has faced abuse in the past with previous partners. When we first met to me it felt like her life was very intensely controlled by her mental health while she was overcoming complicated old family and relationship traumas. At this point I considered myself a stable person with a consistent and healthy view of the world, At most I could say (in hindsight) I'd suppressed my anger a little bit. I had never been directly confronted with mental health issues and was a little naive. we became really close as soon as we met and spent all our time together (and still basically do), I was confronted with her often doing things to stop me leaving her alone ever, straight from the beginning of our relationship (for example threatening self harm). However, I understood why she was in this state a lot of the time and tried not to let her have control over me but rather support her. Through this first year in, hind sight, I now see that my own mental health deteriorated quite considerably. I also now see that I was controlled a little bit and she was controlling, however a year and a half ago we both had a massive change and she moved to a seaside town away from London for university. She only had two weeks notice to decide as she got a last minute place and therefor it was quite a hysterical two weeks. I was 17 and felt like I wanted to be independent as well and moved there with her. Looking back I don't how much my decision was based on the hysteria of those two week. for the first 6 months or so with her at this university I feel we were at a similarly bad place with both our mental health for the first time in our relationship. At the climax of this when I was feeling really depressive and she was too we were talking about our relationship and she threatened to kill herself with a kitchen knife. I know all of this was emotionally abusive behaviour and I didn't excuse her for it, I know and knew what was happening. As the next year went on her mental health made dramatic improvements and so did her social skills. She has completely stopped her desperate attempts of control. And now she freely goes out, meets new people and basically acts the way in which I always thought I would be so happy for her if she did. I now find myself where I found her. In a weird controlling, paranoid, anti-social frame of mind. For the past few months I've been inside all the time, one or two friends were coming round but I wouldn't really leave and would call my girlfriend from there and be either indirectly enquiring into what she's doing or just generally trying to make me the centre of her life again. now I know I'm being emotionally abusive. I want to let her be happy, and I thought its all I wanted since I met her but now I can't. I feel like I should be leaving someone if know I'm being abusive but I also seem to not be able to. I've told her that I am doing this and eventually even that turned into something I somehow used to control. I want to be a good person, and I can't tell whats happened to our relationship to completely flip it like that. And not only our relationship has flipped, I have too. I am now a very bad and jealous person person and I feel like I don't know myself.

[Skeezyks]

Hello hawaii123: I don't know as there is much I can say about this. It is, perhaps, something you'll need to explore with the help of a counselor or mental health therapist if you have the opportunity to spend some time with one. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hi and welcome to PC.

I read that you have been struggling with unhappy thoughts and feelings recently, that you have in the past supported your girlfriend who was dx BPD and she has progressed well but you feel in contrast you have struggled more.

First thing that springs to mind is that you've had two ongoing stresses - supporting a partner with MH issues can be incredibly stressful, many doing this often find their own MH can suffer that is why self care is important. The second stressor is simultaneously living independently (presumably) for the first time. These two stressors alone could have been enough to overload you - of course there may be other reasons too, but from the outline given it seems likely it's part of it.

The other thing I notice in your post is your description of yourself as having been a good person and now being bad. While it's good you recognise unhelpful/destructive behaviours in yourself it doesn't mean you are a bad person - you are struggling and deserve help and support same as your girlfriend did.

I see you are in the UK so looked up young persons support, some are specifically in London:

http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_par...n_young_people

Another good starting point is your GP who may be able to refer you for support.

[MickeyCheeky]

It seems like you're struggling a lot have you tried to reach out for some counselling, maybe?

[hawaii123]

Thank you for replying and I went to the gp a while ago a few times but I used to smoke loads of weed so they turned me down a couple times which is understandable. I still smoke a bit which can't be helping the paranoia,
I feel like I'm holding her emotionally hostage a bit at the moment so im considering just letting her get on with her life then I could try work it out myself

[hawaii123]

yh I went to my gp twice i think, but I smoke quite a bit of weed and I told them that so they didnt wonna do anything until i hadn't smoked for at least three months. which I understand but i havnt not smoked like that since i was 13. I think im looking at letting my gf get on with her life and working out what happened by myself with maybe a bit more perspective of how im acting with her.

Giving her some space sounds sensible, maybe you two can talk about that and see how she would feel about that.

I think you are onto something about the part cannabis may be playing in this. I'm not going to lecture you but if you haven't already then you might want to check out the Frank site:

Cannabis: Mess with Your Mind | FRANK

I am surprised at your GP turning you way for help because of your habit - did you make it clear you had a mental health concern? The link with mental ill health and addictions are pretty established - but just because you have an addiction doesn't mean you shouldn't get help with MH problems, quite the opposite I would have thought. Might be worth a return visit explaining your MH/mood concerns and maybe see another GP in the practice if possible.