Hi everyone, I'd like some unbiased advice on this since I'm having trouble seeing it from a different perspective and also because it is such a big problem.

Warning: Thoughts of suicide/self harm

My SO and I had this huge fight the other night. I had been to therapy and became so depressed after the session that I became a suicidal wreck. It was bad. I can't remember much, since it was a blur. I remember my SO and I arguing about something petty and I felt like he kept trying to show how ridiculous I was by bringing up many times how I started an argument over something totally unrelated. I just remember him giving me an incredulous look while saying how what I was saying was a poor argument compared to what he had to say. I felt like I was getting kicked in all my vulnerable places. I kept getting beat back and began howling how bad I already feel and how he just keeps hurting me, like he wants kick me while I'm down. I ran crying to the bathroom and began to physically hurt myself and hyperventilate while the door was locked. He didn't knock or try to come in, though. I heard him say something but when I came out he was in the same place with a blank look. I was totally defeated and couldn't even bring myself to talk. He soon began trying to talk to me in a nice way, not bringing up anything that just happened. Just saying things like, "Hello? You gonna talk?" He tried leaving for a while but quickly came back. I just felt so dead that I couldn't say anything for a while, but eventually began to.

He was very nice and when I apologized he said I didn't need to. I made a long apology for what I did, and he apologized for getting upset.

The next day, I was still miserable from the therapy session and was sitting with him for a while while he was playing a video game. I began crying since I had been doing that off and on for a while. He sighed and came to comfort me. I felt frustration that he was annoyed, but I could understand and didn't show it. I told him that he didn't have to comfort me since I knew it was annoying to him and that the bad feelings would end after another day or so. He thought this was sarcastic though since I tend to be sarcastic when I'm angry. He let out some steam saying that he knew I'd get angry if he didn't comfort me. My annoyance at his frustration then came out and I said I didn't want his faked pity. So another fight insued and I felt cornered once again. He did mention that me being upset usually prevented him from completing his responsibilities since it made him feel bad too, which I definitely understood and often feel guilty for. He seemed to be smirking at how he was "winning," so at that point I gave up on relying on him for comfort and my mind just wanted him away. Do I said, "I could win any argument you throw at me." So it seems that was why he was smirking, partially the curiosity being why I said that, so he said, "So why do I win all of them?" He then got up and said, "I'm going to go play games with my friends." So I begin crying into the fabric again and ask why does he enjoy hurting my feelings and self-esteem? And why did he do this when he knew how bad I felt? He argued this point and how he tried to comfort me but I sarcastically rejected him. I told him what happened but he didn't believe me. At that point my feelings were overflowing and I began crying loudly and told him to go away.

He did go and I was crying in a loud and uncontrolled way for a while and was thinking how I made a mistake marrying him and probably ruined what life I had left, since it was already difficult and miserable. I began pounding my hands on a desk and he angrily came to the door and said, "What are you breaking now?" At that point nearly all love I had for him was gone. I cried out what a mistake I made marrying him and calmed down, got up, and told him that I'm not sure I loved him anymore since I've been hurt too much. He became kind of shocked and seemed to be holding back tears and said he was sorry for hurting me. I said we should think of living apart if we don't want to get divorced. He said he didn't because I'm his wife and he wants to stay with me. I walked away for a bit, feeling completely drained at that point. I then talked about how, in a logical way, he seems to be unable to handle a wife going through so many emotional problems since he also has a lot on his plate to take care of. I also explained that he's making my emotional difficulties worse.

We then had a long talk and came to understand each other's points of views. I found myself very forgiving when he apologized for what he did and for saying what he should've done.

So, we haven't talked much about living apart other than my SO not wanting to, and that it'd be financially difficult. I can't say if living apart would help me or not, but I do think it'd help him since he seems so stressed with me. I did apologize and say it must be miserable putting up with me like this. I did say why the therapy caused it, and that eventually it'll leaf me to being more emotionally stable.

We both finally agreed that we needed to not fight so quickly.

Does anyone have some advice for us? I don't want to hurt him anymore, and I don't want to be hurt. I don't blame him for acting this way, or myself.

[it'sgrowtime]

Good for you two for trying to change this dynamic. When fighting, the goal is to "win." In the process, you hurt each other, and you both lose.

Some general advice: Since you see the pattern, you can make a plan about how to handle the after effects of therapy. You can figure out what you will do to self-care (bath, jog, art, nap, whatever). You can figure out what you can do together. Have a plan in place for how you will approach turmoil, and try to stick to it when the time comes. If he is busy, do self-care, or call a friend.

My personal advice: avoid doing two emotional things at one time. If you are upset from therapy, try not to troubleshoot your relationship at the same time.