my boyfriends ex wife.

I have been involved long enough with my boyfriend that we have introduced the kids based on knowing we would be together and most likely get married. I would marry him tomorrow if he asked, and he knows that. He's very much a marriage / relationship type. I have been really happy, I finally met someone worth my love to be honest. He's actually only been divorced two years, separated 2.5. The ex had an affair and broke up the family. He doesn't speak to his ex and says often that he wishes he would never have to ever again.
His 15 year old daughter lives with the mom and is very protective over her. His 12 year old son lives with him. The kids know the mom had an affair.

The mother had not seen her son in person since January except for 10 minutes she showed up someplace we were at, and then again just the other day, he went to her house for dinner... Now that im around all the time, the son talks about me non stop even to the mom (she calls every week) The past couple of weeks, she has been trying to get more involved and back in her sons life... My boyfriend is having a hard time with it. He assumes the worst, shes up to something, shes going to try and get the son back, etc... I think its because theres another woman in her sons life... He talks about it a lot and stresses out and confides in me his feelings of anger and resentment. He gets mad because all of this time divorced, she is never consistent with the son, skips her weekends to have him, she goes back and forth, in and out of his life, and it really bothers my boyfriend, and her son as well. The son still asks his dad why she did what she did. The son has a hard time with the changes even after two years.
As a mother myself i tell him let her try, and see what happens. Shes still his mom. The son has ADHD and ODD. She has no patience with him and there has been a lot of grief and drama between the two. With me, he is not like that. I think i have a calmer way of handling him and also being a new person in his life, hes pretty good around me. I know the more he gets used to me the more ill see of his behavioral problems, but I have accepted that and im taking it as it comes...
In the beginning i asked my boyfriend a couple of different times if he was over it and he always said yes, despite he anger and hurt I can still see. The divorce was totally out of left field btw. I cant decide if i just dont like that she gets to him so easily or am i confused and taking his anger for something more. I now after everything she did to him even after the separation and divorce and custody, he will never forgive her or take her back... His whole life was turned upside down, he lost a great relationship with his daughter, his son has enough issues to deal with.
The problem is, I cant decide or really tell if hes really ready to move on from his 25 year relationship with her yet or is it simply that he still just carries around a lot of anger (rightfully so) I'm worried this will cause problems for us in the future. How, i'm not sure. I'm confused on my feelings and why I'm having them. I guess even a little jealous that he still cares enough to get so angry, even tho i would prolly feel the same...
thanks

I still get mad as hell with my (ex) husband who left me for his mistress. Enraged actually because he behaves like such a ****. Behind my anger is hurt and disappointment and betrayal. Mostly hurt.

I sometimes wonder if my boyfriend thinks some of the things you have typed. I'm still kind of "processing" the hurt that my ex caused me. But I am ready and willing to move on; and being with my boyfriend has been one of the best things that has happened to me.

I think that he's made this commitment to you and you share a big part of his life; indicates his willingness to move forward with you. Sure, there are going to be bad days - but try not let his anger with her cause questions in your mind as to where you stand with him.

That's just my two cents worth.

Your response has made me feel a lot better. I realize we all have that right to feel the way we need, and we all process things differently and in our own way. You're right, he has made a choice and a commitment, me meeting his son alone, was a big decision, one he's not sorry he made.
My insecurities come from not ever having such a good relationship with someone, despite the baggage from the ex, this is the most adult relationship ive had and im scared to lose it. Thats a whole other post topic tho! haha
Anyhow, thank you so much for your words, and glad you too have found someone who you feel is the best person for you

I have four kids with my ex,he left after he decided the responsibility was too much,only to get another woman pregnant, making his 7th child in total!

So believe me when I say I know, angry. I felt hurt humiliated, angry for myself, absolutely raging on behalf of my kids. But before it all went to shyt, we had 8 amazing years.
And I missed that, not him or the him he became but everything it was before.
And honestly I still love the man who fathered my children. But he doesn't exist, But I have to remind myself of the good man because I have boys with him and I don't want them to feel bad or guilty about this man because it will reflect on them. They are half him after all.

It's hard, but I think your right, she has to have a chance, his son will work out soon enough if he wants to maintain a relationship with her.
You and partner just have to be there to support him if things don't work out.
Good luck and all the best.

P.s it took 5/6 years for the anger to truly subside. So time is your friend here.

What I meant to add was it's important his son doesn't see your partners anger towards his mom otherwise he will feel like he is doing something wrong for wanting to see her.
He might also feel he has to flight his dad's corner, so he may well be misbehaving for his mom because he feels he needs to punish her for his dad.
Believe me when I say kids really struggle when one parent hurts another.
His son needs to understand loving his mom is ok, and he doesn't need to protect his dad.
Good luck.

Thank you for your response! It helps hearing others experiences as this is new to me. This is actually the first man ive dated who has kids.
Still learning, freaking out a little along the way! HA
Best to you as well!

Oh he sees and hears EVERYTHING. I dont agree with that but its too late. The kids are actually a bit manipulated by the mom, so regardless of what is really happening they have moments where even if you say the slightest thing or ask a question about the mother, the kids get defensive of her. The son knows he can love his mom, and he misses her a lot. He reminisces about the past quite often, even in front of me... its sad to see him that way. I know it bothers my boyfriend too, and I know he misses those times too.
My boyfriend is not one to bad mouth the mother especially to the kids.
They will learn or start to see the truth soon. But for now we just take it as it comes...

I want to give you a shout out for being an amazing role model to his child.
It is HARD.
My husband has an ex wife and a child from that marriage.
We have 2 of our own.
Stepping into the messy emotions from the divorce was hard on me. My husband went thru a few years of anger and hate. Now, he tolerates her.
Their son was under 2 when they started the divorce, and I came into the picture not long after.
It's emotionally tolling on everyone. But, kudos to you for being there for a child who is hurting!

My parents divorced when I was 8, and my dad remarried not long after. My step mom never said a bad word about my mom. My dad made comments that showed he was hurt by the messy and expensive divorce.
Now that we (my siblings and I) are adults, they have a rule that they don't talk about her.
For their own marriage they don't want that drama.
They were there for us as kids, emotionally dealing with the divorce and my unstable mother, and now they leave the relationship up to the adult children and our mom.

Time will make it easier.

THANK YOU for saying that. I just feel like there is no other way to be, but to be a good role model to him... and like I told my boyfriend just the other day, the poor kid deserves so much better than what he is being handed, from the mother especially. Before I actually met his son I would hear stories and my heart hurt for him. I vowed then to be the best female role model / motherly type I could without coming on too strong, LOL.
He will have long term effects from this consistently troubled relationship with his mother and with the "issues" he already deals with, this is the last thing he needs. To keep feeling like an outcast.
It definitely is emotionally tolling on everyone and my boyfriend does make comments about how good i am to his son, which i appreciate... We talk about him all the time and even laugh about the poor guy because he just cant help being a little bit of a mess... but he will get there. His father is great and im there to do anything i can to help.

I too am from a divorced family and my mother did nothing but badmouth my dad. I always knew it was wrong and I never did that to my son and will never do that to his son either.

Best to you, and thank you for sharing with me!