[bluegoat]

Don't quite know where to start, so I'll go back to the beginning. I’m a guy, currently 23.

I was bullied and teased in grade school. Had no friends for years on end, until 8th grade. Those friends I made were a bad, isolated group. Haven't seen them for years as they got into drugs, crime, etc.

I learned early on that nobody gave a crap about me, nobody wanted to hear what I had to say, I was just an annoyance. Zero self-esteem. I felt left behind by everyone else.

Of course, I had no luck with the girls. I was the classic skinny loaner wierdo who physically got tremors and stuttering at the thought of talking to a girl.

Basically my social life was non-existent until a few years ago when I met a close friend in college. He is a true friend, would do anything for me, listens to me. He’s the only person I’ve known who I can say that about.

Since meeting him, I’ve really come out of my shell. I actually go out and do things, meet people, and now have a good group of ‘acquaintances’, as I would call them. Not true friends but good people who I spend time with.

Overall I’m happy now about my social life except with women. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I just get so down on myself and jealous at the thought that all these people around me have that and are having those experiences and I can’t.

Things have been improving greatly though. I had sex for the first time last year, just a hookup. And I am having great success in online dating. I met someone in january(second date of my life), calling her Jane, who I dated for a month. Things were phenomenal but she ended it suddenly. I didn’t know how to feel. I was thrilled with the experience but it felt like just another failure at the same time. I was so close.

I’ve met many more women since her. Not that seeing them was bad, but nothing like Jane. I just need to feel that affection and intimacy. I don’t feel alive without it.

This is huge progress for me. For so long I felt unlovable, unattractive, awkward. I thought there is no way I’m going to go on a date. No way I’m going to have a girlfriend or sleep with a women. No way I will experience intimacy.

But over the last year all that has vanished. I feel confident and hopeful about the future. I don’t feel like a leper anymore. But it’s not enough. It seems like all the amazing things that have happened just weren’t that great in retrospect, never enough.

So I’m torn. Feel good about the unthinkable successes I’ve had, or bad about them all basically ending in failure. Like each success I have sets the bar higher and then when I fall below that, I feel worse than when I had never reached it in the first place.

So right now I’m serial dating, spending money I shouldn’t, not giving school the focus I should, etc. because I can and because I’m desperate to meet someone who can make things good again, if that makes sense. I still miss Jane.

[Keeki04]

I understand this soooo much, I also had a hook up once, but because of my own insecurities I tore myself down to the point I had to restart and fix myself again. I say live life, struggling to find intimacy is one of my biggest problems, but being yourself obviously means someone out there likes you enough to want to be with you. Meaning! There's a whole boat load of life waiting for you to discover. It definitely takes time to get over a breakup, especially one that was going good for you. I say to relax and really connect with yourself on what you want vs how you want it. Who knows there'll be someone who might be totally different than your ex, who shows you a different world altogether.

[bluegoat]

I know what you mean, felt kind of lost after the hookup because of the total lack of meaning. Just really weird.

I can't really call Jane my ex since we were never official or exclusive. But it felt like a relationship, it was fast and intense and going back to nothing feels terrible. So at this point I still can't say that I've had a girlfriend, just darn close.

Don't feel bad. I'm a 25 year old male who has never had a true intimate relationship with a female and lost his virginity to a prostitute. I've had short term relationships with women in the past ranging from 1-3 months but nothing serious enough for us to get our own place.

The only time I've ever been able to get laid was during a brief period in my life where I was making 4 grand a month off an online business venture that later failed horribly a couple months later a couple of years ago. This past year and a half I've been broke and struggling to pay my basic living expenses and as a result, I consider myself unlovable.

So yeah man, feel good that you had a good experience with women that didn't involve hiring prostitutes or attracting women with money or lies because that's all the experience with them that I have.

[WithLove]

We all want connection. I believe we were created to have connection whether through friendship, romance or work colleagues. I spent many years feeling alone and disconnected from the outside world. I, like you, grew up in an environment that made me feel worthless by the time I left. Then I'm thrown in the outside world trying to figure out how to make a connection. It's hard!!! Especially when there has been no example of what that is suppose to look like. I spent years people pleasing and sacrificing myself and my happiness for temporary pleasure. What I had to do with myself is (with the assistance of a great therapist) be the person I wanted to attract. For example, if I didn't want to date a smoker, I had to quit smoking. If I wanted to date a guy that was environmentally conscious, I needed to start recycling. The point . . . what are you looking for in relationships . . . then start being it. And more importantly for me, I had to approach each situation with an open heart. Just because the last thing didn't work, doesn't mean that the next thing won't. I had to learn to be my own best friend. Also, every experience we have should not be viewed as bad or good but as an experience, a lesson to what to do different next time. There is no failure unless you stop trying regardless if it is business or relationships. The journey is challenging and I have yet to get everything right in any given situation but with slow progress, I am learning to feel love in my environment, my relationships with others in all capacities and with myself. I had to take the judgment out of the experience and just be in it. I'm hopeful that you can find something useful that you can apply in your life with me sharing my experience. Also, keep in mind that all these people are in relationship . . . what is really important is the quality of the relationship not that everyone is in one.

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate a lot to the struggles you have/had.. I'm sorry