[mllelystigre]

Here goes: Have you ever wanted SO much the one thing that hurts you the most?

I'm 26. Educated. Female. Attractive. Seeking love. Clinically depressed. For a variety of reasons that are too numerous to go into detail on (social anxiety, isolating career, non-existent social circle, etc.), online dating has been my go-to in seeking companionship. What I want most is a secure, long-term romantic relationship with someone who is looking for the same thing and who would be understanding of my current mental/emotional afflictions/recovery from an emotionally and psychologically distressing and invalidating childhood. Wow, that was a mouthful!

The thing is, my "healthy" self comprehends the fact that a romantic relationship may be what I want most right now, but is definitely not what I need. We can't always get what we want, after all. So then why do I feel as if I will never be able to fully recover from my depression, so long as I remain so emotionally detached from and distrustful of all men? How come (time and time again!) I always find myself in this predicament of rushing into intimacy (...sex...) with men in the hopes that it'll actually lead to something? It never does. Despite how many times I advise myself to wait, it's as if I try and flash my "wild card" as fast as I can in order to feel that special bond with someone.

It's not really love, but it feels a lot like it. Irregardless of their true intentions with me, to have someone in my bed holding me and wanting me is validating on a level that I never had during that critical attachment development phase of my childhood. I can remember on so many occasions as a child crying myself to sleep at night, the only comforting thought being: "don't worry, someday a man will love you enough to make you forget that you ever felt this unloved right now."

Now 20 years later, I've slept with over 20 men and only one or two of them were ever unwise enough to call me a girlfriend. You'd think I'd have figured it out by now: that I'm giving myself too easily away/that I'm not ready for a relationship anyway/that these men don't deserve me/that I never really liked them anyway. Each and every time one of these FWB "relationships" falls apart, however, it's completely and utterly devastating to me.

I think what hurts the most is acknowledging that, despite a troubled upbringing, that I really have so much love in my heart that I want to give but don't even know where to begin. Should I sign offline completely, go celibate a year (again!) or continue to meet guys just for the sake of meeting them, despite how potential rejections may continue to negatively effect my self-esteem?

Will it always feel this way? Will I ever be ready? Will someone ever want to know me.

[Bill3]

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate a bit to your struggles (even though I'm a male).. it's not easy, but it's important to understand that what we need often is not the same thing as what we want.. still, it's hard. I understand

[Entity06]

I don't think it's true you don't need love, an intimate connection with someone, especially if you say it does help to have that contact. Everyone needs love and intimacy and prolonged periods without it are also not good and can cause issues.

What I think you could try doing, just try, is to find a way to keep yourself from jumping into bed with men when you know it's improbable to have a relationship with them(which is what you want), to not rush into things and maybe be a bit more exigent when it comes to who you choose to meet in the first place.

I know that can and will be hard but I for one think it's preferable to the all or nothing approach because your issues with men and trust and so on, they can benefit from healthier, more positive interactions with men and meeting your needs helps too and interactions in general help with experience building.

If you've tried staying completely away from dating and everything for a long-ish time and it hasn't helped you with your dating patterns and the way you related to men, then that to me is one more thing that makes me think you'd benefit from a middle ground where you actively try to improve the way you react to men and select them and everything else that's bothering you.

But, of course, I'm not a therapist so it's just my opinion.