[rdgrad15]

A casual friend who has reconnected with me and I decided to give a second chance to, has been making very obvious attempts to please me. I'm very cautious about hanging out with her since she has a bad record of not being so nice in the past, and even admitted it. So no more than casual friends, maybe even just acquaintances. But anyway, I noticed she will do things for me now that she wouldn't do in the past, and I believe is not necessary. She will constantly pay for me and go an hour or so out of her way to pick me up or take me home.

I told her in the past that she didn't need to do that also didn't want her to be doing things she really didn't want to do. She will pay at a fast food place and travel an hour away to pick me up or take me home. In some cases, even both. I don't know why she is doing that, other than the fact that she is trying to please me. I'd like to tell her flat out that it is not necessary and I don't want her to resent doing that. Most people wouldn't do those things consistently. I offered to pay for myself or help pay for something but she refuses. Only once she accepted gas money. I barely see her, and I saw her in a group setting the last time we hung out.

Now she did treat me better this time in a group setting as opposed to four years ago when she would treat me like I wasn't there. But still, she doesn't need to be going out of her way to please me. I mentioned in another thread that she tends to do things for others just to feel accepted or valued. It isn't a good thing to do though since it could lead her to being used. She may have gotten better at treating others, including me, nicer, but at the same time she still has the problem where she does things that seem rediculous just to gain approval from others.

She shouldn't be constantly paying for other people, including me, or going an hour out of her way just to drive someone home or pick them up. There are plenty of bus stops 20 minutes or less from her house that she could drop me off at, and she knows this. Every so often I wouldn't mind if someone made an effort to meet me halfway, but at the same time, I don't like it when someone goes too far out of their way constantly. That can build resentment and that is another reason she lost friends a few years back.

So I may have to really stand my ground if her or anyone else does that. I appreciate the effort, and I don't mind some effort like meeting me half way, but doing things you don't want to do just to gain approval is not necessary. I barely see her, but when I do, she goes too far to please me and others. Don't know why anyone would want to resort to that but unfortunately some people do. I only decided to meet up just to see if she changed and since she admitted her wrongdoings, figured she deserved a second chance with extreme caution.

Does anyone else have that one or several people they know or used to know that goes too far with favors just to please others? Did you say something to the person in question? I will admit, I used to have a similar problem when I was a lot younger, and I think a lot of us have, but eventually people realize they don't have to gain approval from others by going too far out of their way to do things for others. Has anyone else have this problem? I feel like the person I mentioned, as well as some other people I know, are too desperate and are trying too hard. I feel like this is the most common reason most people wind up getting used and not respected. How do you deal with this kind of behavior? Just curious.

You are a good friend/person for not wanting to take advantage of her. I agree that when you always pay others ways, there is a possibility that some of your friends could be motivated by the free stuff. Of course, the way she could test this would be to see how many people stick around when she stops paying. I have a friend who invites me to things and pays. I feel like it would be rude to refuse so instead, I try to do the same periodically. I really do think it puts less pressure on a friendship when everyone just pays their own way. While your observations about her may be correct--it is her choice how she spends her money. Do you enjoy being with her? If you do, then giving her your geniune attention might really help her feel less secure. On the other hand, if you do not enjoy being with her, I am not sure if true friendship can be forced. So maybe just enjoy your time with her and continue to offer to pay for yourself?

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

You are a good friend/person for not wanting to take advantage of her. I agree that when you always pay others ways, there is a possibility that some of your friends could be motivated by the free stuff. Of course, the way she could test this would be to see how many people stick around when she stops paying. I have a friend who invites me to things and pays. I feel like it would be rude to refuse so instead, I try to do the same periodically. I really do think it puts less pressure on a friendship when everyone just pays their own way. While your observations about her may be correct--it is her choice how she spends her money. Do you enjoy being with her? If you do, then giving her your geniune attention might really help her feel less secure. On the other hand, if you do not enjoy being with her, I am not sure if true friendship can be forced. So maybe just enjoy your time with her and continue to offer to pay for yourself?

I agree. I don't mind being around her now since she treats me better than she used to, but I am still cautious. What you said makes sense and I agree. And in a way, she already has lost some friends when she stopped paying or offering rides. Happened four years ago. She would offer rides or money to a couple people but then when she got sick of it and felt used, the friendship fell apart. I agree that it is better for people to pay on their own. I think she is just too nice. I will admit, I can be too nice as well, but not to that extent.