Family Trends

My father's side of the family is united, and cheerful. But there is a dark side to it. As I was growing up, I became aware of a disturbing tendency towards mocking others. The intention is often to make others feel like they are a part of the family despite their quirks, but often those same quirks are a cause of malicious mockery and even scathing criticism.
My dad's family is composed of 5 males and 1 female. My grandmother and my grandfather were conservative (keep in mind that they lived through the early 20th century, in Mexico). My grandfather was quite an accomplished man. He received a military education, and became a successful politician in the city where I grew up, leading him to become a mayor when my father was a child. According to my uncles and my own father, my grandparents were not the most affectionate parents out there, especially my grandfather. He would often physically mistreat my uncles if they misbehaved. If they failed at something, my grandfather would not hesitate to call them stupid, idiots, or "pendejos" (the Spanish word for dumbass). This was more true for the older uncles, but my dad still received some of that.
By now, it should not come as a surprise that my aunt, given that she was the only female, was overprotected. She was not allowed to have a boyfriend, and was often made to feel dependent on my grandfather. My aunt told me that one day, she went to an ice cream shop with a boy when she was 15 or so, and that my grandfather found her, and took her out of the place by the hair. She described it as a very humiliating experience.
Now fast-forward to my era. My oldest uncle is afraid to fly on airplanes, my aunt is depressed and on medication, another uncle is in jail, and the youngest is physically abusive towards his wife (they are separated now, but not divorced). My father, interestingly, did not turn out as bad as the others, as he is the most stable of them all.I constantly see repression in them. They repress their feelings and deny themselves emotions. They often try to do that to others as well. And as I said, when they get together they mock certain targets.
I have been a target. For instance, my oldest uncle told me at a reunion that I had really ugly hair. He said: "Only two types of people have the hair just like you do: philosophers, and filthy people. And as far as I know, you aren't a philosopher." And he and others cracked up laughing. I was 19 at the time, fresh from my first year of college. I simply ignored him, but it bothered me so much that my uncle would do that.
My aunt would sometimes undermine my achievements, and would always negate any answer I gave to things. She has stopped doing that, I don't know why, but it could be that it has become increasingly difficult and taxing for her given that I am in a different position in life compared to back then.
Another situation with that older uncle occurred recently. Right now I am a graduate student, and I have a job as a data analyst at the university. I am very introverted, and I get easily tired during celebrations where there are multiple people. I tend to sleep at 3 am when there are no obligations, but this time I was falling asleep at around 12 am. Since my cousin was talking about her job and how it is related to child protective services (CPS), my uncle thought I was asleep (I was half-asleep) and said: "Look! The kid is falling asleep, we should call CPS!" and they all cracked up. But my aunt defended me saying that now I had a job and I was doing my masters. I don't remember what he did next, but he didn't do anything worthy of mention here.
My question is: Why does my family always try to shame one another, via scathing criticism, shaming, or mockery? They always talk about "seeking happiness" and spirituality and Buddha and all of that ********, but they don't back it up. It used to bother me a lot more than it does now. At this point in my life, I feel more worried than angry. As my uncle is in his 60's, I fear that the family complexes will cause alienation from the younger members, and the family will thus become separated, like my mom's.

Do they mock you?

Yes, sometimes. I don't think there is anything wrong with reading children's books, especially if you also read adult books (I enjoy reading about any subject, from astrophysics to AI, to literature, etc). But one day I was looking at a children's book I thought looked really cute, and my aunt said: "come on! you are too old for that! You already have hairs in your legs!" I just looked at her in an inquisitive manner and continued doing what I was doing.

I found this information on a counseling website, about the types of dysfunctional family patterns. Do you recognize your family's pattern?

*One or both parents have addictions or compulsions (e.g., drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, gambling, overworking, and/or overeating) that have strong influences on family members.

*One or both parents use the threat or application of physical violence as the primary means of control. Children may have to witness violence, may be forced to participate in punishing siblings, or may live in fear of explosive outbursts.

*One or both parents exploit the children and treat them as possessions whose primary purpose is to respond to the physical and/or emotional needs of adults (e.g., protecting a parent or cheering up one who is depressed).

*One or both parents are unable to provide, or threaten to withdraw, financial or basic physical care for their children. Similarly, one or both parents fail to provide their children with adequate emotional support.

*One or both parents exert a strong authoritarian control over the children. Often these families rigidly adhere to a particular belief (religious, political, financial, personal). Compliance with role expectations and with rules is expected without any flexibility.

The counseling website then offers guidelines for people who want to change their role in their dysfunctional family. Cognitive therapy techniques, it would seem:

1.Identify painful or difficult experiences that happened during your childhood.

2.Make a list of your behaviors, beliefs, etc. that you would like to change.

3.Next to each item on the list, write down the behavior, belief, etc. that you would like to do/have instead.

4.Pick one item on your list and begin practicing the alternate behavior or belief. Choose the easiest item first.

5.Once you are able to do the alternate behavior more often than the original, pick another item on the list and practice changing it, too.

Here's a couple of books you may want to read:

Toxic parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life.


An Adult Child's Guide to What's Normal.