Always the Expendable One

Have you ever been in a situation where you know the outcome was horrible, terrible, embarrassing, and utterly humiliating and then some kind of realization makes it feel even worse?

Last night, I realized that I was probably in the way (fatalistically speaking) of my ex getting together with my former best friend. Like, if I hadn't existed they likely would've ended up together anyway. At least before I felt like I somehow brought them together by introducing them. Why am I always the one that is impermanent and the one that doesn't matter in these situations? I just wanted to matter in the situation, even a little bit. Even worse, why do I still have realizations like this 4 years later?

I just want to stop thinking about it but every time I have a new realization I hate myself again, a little more.

Can you see a therapist or read some books on how to redirect your thoughts? Four years is a long time. I'm sorry you're feeling this way about yourself.

Hi Jennifer.

Is it a long time? I mean he and I were married (which wasn't mentioned in my OP) so it was pretty devastating. I've actually been in therapy for the entire 4 years as well. I don't get too destabilized often. I cried it out last weekend when I got home which helped but I obviously need some other coping.

There is an awkward, odd, but charming movie about a man who cheats on his girlfriend and breaks up with her, then realizes his mistake after she gets engaged to another man. Here is where it gets interesting: he travels back in time, and gets a do over with the girl. He breaks it off with the mistress and stays with his girlfriend this time. Then, by chance or karmic fate, his girlfriend meets the man she got engaged to in the original timeline and cheats on the boyfriend.

I don't want to give away the entire story, but maybe you would like to check it out. It is rare for a movie to explore how complicated, ambiguous, and painful relationships can be, so maybe it will be therapeutic to watch.

Thank you for the recommendation! I also enjoy Take This Waltz and The Affair. They're cathartic and in the same vein media wise.