[Something is Wrong]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 1.5 years. I love him and he loves me very much as well. He has, for quite a while now, been bringing up how he wants to marry me and even goes on to talk about our children's names, urban or suburban, how will our finances be managed, what his dream house is, etc. While the thought of all this is wonderful I'm very hesitant.

Today he said he wants to get engaged with me but then he stated "but I don't think you're ready yet". He's right. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for a plethora of reasons. But my biggest one is because of suicide.

I regret having a relationship. I wasn't thinking straight when I agreed to be his girlfriend. The reason is because I have the biggest (and I mean the biggest) hunch my life will end by my own hands. Maybe this year, maybe next year, maybe in 5 years, maybe in 10 years, but I know it'll happen eventually. It's inevitable. I really cannot see myself growing old at all. I don't have the will or desire to live.

Because of this I'm hesitant to commit to him for a long term. I wouldn't want to die after we're engaged or married because I don't want to traumatize him or leave him a widow. Getting engaged/married is costly and don't want to waste his money on something when I know I'll end myself. Also getting over your spouse's suicide is (from what I heard) really difficult. Then the second thing that comes up is that if we have kids I have to make a promise to myself to never commit suicide. I can't make that type of promise. I really cannot promise that. But then again I don't want my potential kids to be motherless.

All these issues are causing my commitment problems because my inevitable suicide is always on my mind. I don't know what to do

[Rose76]

I agree hat it is very wrong to bring children into the world without being committed to staying around for them. I think you're also right to be concerned about whether you can fulfill a marital commitment. Have you ever been treated for depression? Have you ever discussed your suicidality with a professional counselor? I would urge you to do so. After one and a half years, I think it's also time to talk to your boyfriend about these thoughts that you take very seriously.

Given these feelings, I think it is too soon to pledge a formal commitment.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I agree hat it is very wrong to bring children into the world without being committed to staying around for them. I think you're also right to be concerned about whether you can fulfill a marital commitment. Have you ever been treated for depression? Have you ever discussed your suicidality with a professional counselor? I would urge you to do so. After one and a half years, I think it's also time to talk to your boyfriend about these thoughts that you take very seriously.

Given these feelings, I think it is too soon to pledge a formal commitment.

I agree. Being treated with medication and talking with a professional counselor may make all the difference in the world. Have you had attempts in the past?

[MickeyCheeky]

Does your boyfriend know about this? Do you see a doctor?

[Something is Wrong]

No, I don't see a doc because my family doesn't believe in mental illness. If they found out I have a pdoc/take psych meds they would be livid. Plus, personally I feel like whatever is going on in my head is not as severe as others have it. I don't think I even qualify. Pretty sure they'll just tell me I'm fine and send me home.

I'm not sure if I should tell my boyfriend about my suicidal ideation. He'll get stressed and I don't want anymore stress on him than there is right now. Although I have told him I am "sad" most days.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Something is Wrong

No, I don't see a doc because my family doesn't believe in mental illness. If they found out I have a pdoc/take psych meds they would be livid. Plus, personally I feel like whatever is going on in my head is not as severe as others have it. I don't think I even qualify. Pretty sure they'll just tell me I'm fine and send me home.

I'm not sure if I should tell my boyfriend about my suicidal ideation. He'll get stressed and I don't want anymore stress on him than there is right now. Although I have told him I am "sad" most days.

I understand your situation but want to point out that the SI you mentioned wasn't light. You can't compare it to others. Something is wrong. Having said that, My sister and my ex-husband (married 20 years) don't believe in mental illness so I know how that plays out. If nothing else if your SI becomes too much for you or you are wondering whether it's time to seek immediate help you can text 741 741 and type hello. It is a very unobtrusive crisis line that will listen (via text), give you coping techniques etc. No one needs to know. Good luck and best wishes. Take good care of yourself.

Originally Posted by Rose76

I agree hat it is very wrong to bring children into the world without being committed to staying around for them. I think you're also right to be concerned about whether you can fulfill a marital commitment. Have you ever been treated for depression? Have you ever discussed your suicidality with a professional counselor? I would urge you to do so. After one and a half years, I think it's also time to talk to your boyfriend about these thoughts that you take very seriously.

Given these feelings, I think it is too soon to pledge a formal commitment.

As someone that doesn't have parents, I can say that being motherless hurts. I hope that this all works out for you! @Something Is Wrong

[Bill3]

Pretty sure they'll just tell me I'm fine and send me home.

If you tell them my inevitable suicide is always on my mind, and I hope that you do tell them, they will not tell you that you are fine.

They will try to give you help, so that you can in time commit to a relationship and to children if/when you so choose.

[elevatedsoul]

that is serious.....

doesnt matter what your family believes... in my opinion you should seek help...

i suffer from ideations alot too...

maybe not as much as you do because i dont feel like my life is going to end by my hands... its just that i dont feel like living anymore a great deal of the days... not that i am going to do it... i could never do it... i just think about it alot...

so if you actually thinking you are going to do it its very serious... and i think you should really seek help... my dad just tells me to pray and seek jesus to save me, i dunno if you know how that feels, but as someone that has severe mental illness it makes me feel like **** and i just wanna ***** slap him because he doesnt ****ing understand one bit...

you are in a lot of pain and you need help... you need someone that understands...
and i definitely know what it feels like to not want to live anymore.... but life is most definitely worth living... its just that the pain... the pain is not worth it... but we can get help... therapy can help... medications can help... and like i said **** what your family thinks, they dont have to know that you are seeing a doctor at all... your life is important to your boyfriend and he cares so much for you....

i wish i had someone in my life like that... please seek help imediately... you dont have to live in so much pain.... there is help out there... we just have to go get it....
its scary to go looking for help for these problems... but its like going to the dentist for a bunch of bad teeth... just gotta do it ok..? please please do it...

[Erebos]

Much like your inevitable end, how you decide to live what life you have is up to you.
Not your boyfriend, though he obviously cares, and certainly not your family.

There is an option outside of perpetual fear, sadness and anxiety. You might not be in a place to decide if you are worth it just now. You say you wouldn't want to hurt your boyfriend but you know it's too late for that really, it can't be avoided.

I often have days where I wish I would just cease, have never have existed. I have kids so I know I won't do anything to hurt them, but it doesn't stop me wishing it would all just stop, that I didn't have to wake up again.

I don't know about where you are but where I am if you were to sit down with your DR and describe what you described here you would receive help.
Providing you didn't understate it.

As for your family, if your a minor I can understand this could cause a problem, if not, just don't tell them.
I don't share my medical stuff with my family and they have no issues with mental illness. I just don't find it necessary.

I hope you find it in yourself to push through and seek help.
Whatever happens I wish you all the best.