[Bobbage2017]

Hi everyone I have never been diagnosed with anxiety but I often overthink a lot of things which seems to be my main issue here.

Background: Just over one year ago i met and started dating the most wonderful girl in the world. I am 31, she is 26 and from the moment we met everything went great. The first few months we spent nearly every evening together after work and eventually both told one another that we loved them.

Fast forward to now, we recently had our one year anniversary but due to a change in my partners job commitments we now spend the weekdays communicating by text (Neither us are fans of phone calls) and then see each other on a weekend.

Now my partner has been having a lot of stress with this new job and has mentioned in the past she can become a little distant when stressed.

Previously on every text interaction once it came to an end (end of day, end of break at work etc) one would put love you and the other reciprocate that.

Recently this has became where I tend to say it more first and sometimes she was will say something like "i am off back to work message later" without a love you.

Now today she was off work and I was in work, before I went to work I ended with love you and she reciprocated, the same on first two breaks. Third break she instead said have fun, last break a kissy face emoji. Then at bed time she said she was off to bed so i said sweet dreams love you and did not get a love you back.

Now when we are together on a weekend if I say it physically she replies with it and I know it is silly being anxious over the fact today for example she was saying it up until 4pm but never said it again, when thinking logically surely her feelings would not have changed in that short time.

Now the thing is, when I do not get that love you I overthink things and get anxious with butterflies in my stomach until the next time i send it to see if she reciprocates.

Now deep down I don't think my relationship has changed in terms of my girlfriend loving me and in all honesty she might just be saying it less as we are coming out of the luminence or honeymoon stage maybe. However i cannot help but be anxious.

For example I am not due to see her again until Saturday and I am going to be anxious and praying inside that she says love you again on a message before then.

Do people think I could just be overthinking and just because she is not saying it I am assuming she doesn't anymore with no basis to that thought?

Also I was considering explaining my anxieties to her when I see her at the weekend but when thinking of saying them aloud I think they may just sound foolish or needy and also I hold an anxiety about what if she did then turn around and say actually she did not say it because she does not anymore. Would people recommend speaking to her?

Any help, guidance, advice or thoughts welcome

I might stop saying it to her. I'm not suggesting you should, but I think that would be my inclination because I have self-esteem in the gutter and would go with my worst thoughts.

Texts are great in a way. You get to communicate your thoughts as soon as you have them. And then the other person can reply as soon as they are able. However, you can't read intonation and there's no inflection (and emojis only go so far...)

Hopefully, someone with decent advice will pop in.

In the mean time, I understand at least.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Bobbage: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I trust you will find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

As far as your particular concerns go, I will tell you I've been married for 38 years. And one thing I know is that it takes a whale of a lot of compassion & forgiveness to keep a relationship going for that long. A heaping helping of open communication doesn't do a bit of harm either.

My personal opinion is that you have to find a way to broach this subject with your gf. Yes, I think all of the concerns you listed are certainly legitimate. However, not knowing where you stand is eating you up inside. And in addition, it seems to me, not talking about this sets a bad precedent for the future of keeping hurt feelings bottled up & ruminating over them.

Certainly you want to be careful how you approach this. And you don't want to make a big deal out of it. But it is important, in my opinion, that you find a way to talk honestly with your gf about your feelings. At least those are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you well...

[Trippin2.0]

Perhaps she has discovered that saying "I love you" after every interaction makes those words lose its sparkle... It becomes more like part of the greeting than an actual expression of love.

Like how people say "hey how are you?" / "Fine"..... Automatic replies during greeting, no real substance.

My bf and I don't say it to each other all the time anymore either, but as long as we are showing love in our actions, love is a verb as they say after all, then I have no complaints and neither does he.

Its like how my ex used to say "I'm sorry"... The words lost their meaning to me. I prefer someone show me remorse amd keep their apologies to themselves, because those words have become hollow and lack any real depth.

By all means talk to her if you must, in person, but I personally doubt you have anything to worry about if this is your only concern.

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Skeezyks. You need to find a way to talk to her about this instead of continuing to torment yourself. Best Wishes.

[Bobbage2017]

Thank you all for your replies so far it means a lot and I can totally appreciate what each and every one of you are saying.

Now I would love to speak to her about it on Saturday but I am not sure where to start as I cannot exactly comes out with "I notice you tend to say I love you less on your text messages, why is this?".

However I then play over scenarios in my head where I give a big lead in about how I sometimes get anxious and overthink and I don't want her to take it personally etc, but this feels like a big speech which again I am not sure if it would be the right idea.

The logical part of my mind also keeps telling me that she still "sometimes" messages it so must still feel it, but the overthinking part then hits back with the fact she has not not said it since tea time yesterday and makes me briefly think "will she say it again".

When I write all of these things on here they feel silly and I think do I need to speak to her about it at all. However when I think about them in my head they feel massive to me. From reading about it though I guess this is how anxiety does indeed work.

I also get the feeling in my head that I must immediately when I see her Saturday tell her I love her to ensure she will definitely say it back which again sounds silly.

Part of this ramping up more recently could be because of the fact due to a work trip we did not see each other this weekend so it is two weeks as opposed to the normal one week between seeing each other and I get silly thoughts such as if we are apart too long will she start forgetting about me or losing interest.

Hesitate before saying/messaging it. Put the onus on her to be the one to do so.