Gift Giving

connect.the.stars · Jun 19, 2017 at 10:01 PM

I wanted to get people's opinions on a certain aspect of gift giving. Please consider these five questions before reading the backstory (located in trigger box).

Question 1: Do you like to be present to see the gift receiver's reaction to your gift? Assume this is a gift you have spent a lot of time on making or put a lot of thought into.
Question 2: If you prefer to be present, do you think you gain happiness from seeing the receiver happy? Do you believe this is the sole reason why you give gifts? (To spread happiness to the other person).
Question 3: If you did not know whether the receiver liked your gift or not, would this make you sad or feel like your effort was not appreciated?
Question 4: If you don't care to be present, is this because you are satisfied with knowing that you gave a great gift? Therefore, it would not matter to be present to witness their reaction because you know the receiver will be happy regardless.
Question 5: If the only reason people give big gifts is so that they can feel a little bit better about themselves, then would that make gifting a large/meaningful present a selfish act?

Possible trigger:

The reason I ask these questions is because I recently put in a lot of effort to look for, purchase, and make 30 presents for my significant other's 30th birthday. I wrapped all of them individually, brought them to his place while he was at work, and decorated a small corner with a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner that I made. I couldn't exactly surprise him at work since one of the gifts was a pint of ice cream (I didn't want it to melt), so I placed that in his freezer.

I knew he would be out late that night for his birthday celebration with coworkers, but I wanted him to at least see his surprise when he got home on the day of his actual birthday. The next morning when I found out that he had opened all his gifts without me being there, I felt extremely sad. I did not explicitly tell him to wait for me to open them (so it is not his fault and I don't blame him).

However, this caused me to question why I felt sad. Birthdays are happy occasions. I shouldn't feel sad to give gifts that I knew he would like. I wanted him to be happy, but does that come at the price of being able to see his overjoyed reaction?

I have been turning this over in my head so much that I can't see clearly anymore. It has caused me to question whether I was being selfish or entitled to act as though I was giving a lot (when in fact I was just giving to gain happiness from it).

Perhaps I placed too high of expectations on his reaction. It's not fair of me to expect anything back because giving is not about any reciprocation. I am so conflicted because I can't ignore the sadness that I felt.

Another theory I had is that I gift big items because of my low self-esteem. I think someone won't continue to like me if I don't get them something valuable.

Any of your opinions on this matter would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Crazy Hitch · Jun 20, 2017 at 02:34 AM

Stars, I'll be honest and say he could have waited for you.

I don't know what I would have done ... I've never been in this situation.

He might have just been so excited when he saw them though and thought you'd left them there as a surprise that he was meant to open. I don't think it was intentional.

And I think it's understandable you're upset by this. You put a lot of thought, effort and energy into this. He must know that he is loved and cherished by you or else you wouldn't have gone to such great lengths. I think that your gift giving of 30 small gifts is an absolutely awesome idea - if - it was something within your budget.

Here's my personal responses:

Question 1: Do you like to be present to see the gift receiver's reaction to your gift? Assume this is a gift you have spent a lot of time on making or put a lot of thought into.

Yes for sure! I love being present when people open gifts and seeing their expressions.

Question 2: If you prefer to be present, do you think you gain happiness from seeing the receiver happy? Do you believe this is the sole reason why you give gifts? (To spread happiness to the other person).

I do gain happiness from seeing the other person open their gifts. But this isn't really my main motivation. What matters to me most is that they know that I took the time and effort to remember them and choose a gift carefully.

Question 3: If you did not know whether the receiver liked your gift or not, would this make you sad or feel like your effort was not appreciated?

Yes. I put love and care into my choices.

Question 4: If you don't care to be present, is this because you are satisfied with knowing that you gave a great gift? Therefore, it would not matter to be present to witness their reaction because you know the receiver will be happy regardless.

NA - I'd want to be present.

Question 5: If the only reason people give big gifts is so that they can feel a little bit better about themselves, then would that make gifting a large/meaningful present a selfish act?

No. Not selfish. It comes from insecurities, and that's a sad situation for anyone to be in. Not selfish.

Bill3 · Jun 20, 2017 at 11:32 AM

Aw connect.the.stars, I'm really sorry that you did not get to see your SO open those many presents that you worked so hard and lovingly to select and wrap and place.

Question 1: Do you like to be present to see the gift receiver's reaction to your gift? Assume this is a gift you have spent a lot of time on making or put a lot of thought into.

Yes. But I see it as more than simply seeing the receiver's reaction. A birthday event or present is a celebration of the person. One celebrates best with the person, in person, when that is possible.

Question 2: If you prefer to be present, do you think you gain happiness from seeing the receiver happy? Do you believe this is the sole reason why you give gifts? (To spread happiness to the other person).

I like to see a positive reaction. Yes, it is the spreading of the happiness, not my being present to see it, that is the first objective. Still, my presence (when possible) adds to the celebration and allows me to share in it.

Question 3: If you did not know whether the receiver liked your gift or not, would this make you sad or feel like your effort was not appreciated?

If the receiver makes no effort to let me know their reaction, I would feel sad, yes. I would wonder whether or not they liked it and I would feel like they did not care about the effort I put into it. Perhaps I would be mistaken in that, but that is how I would feel.

Question 4: If you don't care to be present, is this because you are satisfied with knowing that you gave a great gift? Therefore, it would not matter to be present to witness their reaction because you know the receiver will be happy regardless.

NA - I'd want to be present.

Question 5: If the only reason people give big gifts is so that they can feel a little bit better about themselves, then would that make gifting a large/meaningful present a selfish act?

The only reason? Are you saying that the giver literally does not care whether or not the receiver liked the gift? They are not trying to find something suitable for the person? If the answer to my questions is yes, then the gift would be largely a self-centered act, as it would be aimed at the self and not at the other person.

Thanks to Crazy Hitch for the handy red letters!

Sunflower123 · Jun 20, 2017 at 11:39 AM

WOW!!! How incredible and caring. I think he got home from celebrating his birthday and saw all those presents and got so excited he started opening them without thinking. How did he express his appreciation?

In answer to your questions, I'm kind of strange about gift giving. Growing up in my family was very dysfunctional and painful. We couldn't be nice to each other on a daily basis but by gosh every holiday and birthday we had to act like the perfect family with the perfect gifts and the perfect pictures.

I decided long ago that I would rather someone treat me well (with respect and caring) every other day of the year instead of putting so much effort into a gift. I know that probably makes me unique. For gifts, I usually take people out to eat, or to an event where we can bond and share an experience. Also, out in public they tend to act better. For instance, one time my mom wanted to see the pandas at a large zoo 2 hours away for her birthday. We made it a family event and had a bonding experience.

Best wishes.

healingme4me · Jun 20, 2017 at 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

I wanted to get people's opinions on a certain aspect of gift giving. Please consider these five questions before reading the backstory (located in trigger box).

Question 1: Do you like to be present to see the gift receiver's reaction to your gift? Assume this is a gift you have spent a lot of time on making or put a lot of thought into.

Question 2: If you prefer to be present, do you think you gain happiness from seeing the receiver happy? Do you believe this is the sole reason why you give gifts? (To spread happiness to the other person).
Question 3: If you did not know whether the receiver liked your gift or not, would this make you sad or feel like your effort was not appreciated?
Question 4: If you don't care to be present, is this because you are satisfied with knowing that you gave a great gift? Therefore, it would not matter to be present to witness their reaction because you know the receiver will be happy regardless.
Question 5: If the only reason people give big gifts is so that they can feel a little bit better about themselves, then would that make gifting a large/meaningful present a selfish act?

[trigger]The reason I ask these questions is because I recently put in a lot of effort to look for, purchase, and make 30 presents for my significant other's 30th birthday. I wrapped all of them individually, brought them to his place while he was at work, and decorated a small corner with a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner that I made. I couldn't exactly surprise him at work since one of the gifts was a pint of ice cream (I didn't want it to melt), so I placed that in his freezer.

I knew he would be out late that night for his birthday celebration with coworkers, but I wanted him to at least see his surprise when he got home on the day of his actual birthday. The next morning when I found out that he had opened all his gifts without me being there, I felt extremely sad. I did not explicitly tell him to wait for me to open them (so it is not his fault and I don't blame him).

However, this caused me to question why I felt sad. Birthdays are happy occasions. I shouldn't feel sad to give gifts that I knew he would like. I wanted him to be happy, but does that come at the price of being able to see his overjoyed reaction?

I have been turning this over in my head so much that I can't see clearly anymore.

Any of your opinions on this matter would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

#1- yes, I do like to be present if possible. Of course seeing a smile means a lot as I've taken time to think about the person and the selected gift. It's bonding in nature, as I think this question over.

#2 yes, it was about the thoughtfulness involved in the exchange.

#3 it's etiquette to acknowledge gifts

#4 logistics

#5 the word meaningful stands out in the question. A gift no matter how big or small isn't necessarily with selfish motives? Nor necessarily to boost self esteem. I gave my oldest son a rather pricey gift for his birthday. Had a warm heart to heart before I did. It was pricey but also a longer term investment, yet, in a style that appeals to a certain side of himself. I wouldn't give that to someone I didn't love and care for though. His reaction was memorable. I had a selfish motive in giving it a couple of days early and I told him that I didn't want to lend to any thoughts that it was a replacement of what just broke.

I truly like the 30 gifts for 30 years! I'm surprised that his reaction despite opening without you adds to your wondering all of this about yourself, your motives, self worth, etc? Is everything ok?

*Laurie* · Jun 20, 2017 at 07:24 PM

I'm curious as to why your SO celebrated his birthday with co-workers instead of with you, or with you there, too?

connect.the.stars · Jun 20, 2017 at 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I'm curious as to why your SO celebrated his birthday with co-workers instead of with you, or with you there, too?

I visited his office and celebrated with him during the day by getting some lunch. His coworkers bought him a cake, so we sang happy birthday. Later I studied in a different room while he taught classes (he's a math teacher) and then we got dinner with all his coworkers and played board games after dinner. I'm good friends with his coworkers, we hang out on weekends and we've gone on trips together.

I don't live with my SO currently and my parents have a curfew set where I have to be home before midnight. Thus I had to drive home early, and couldn't go back to his place to see him open presents.

connect.the.stars · Jun 20, 2017 at 08:12 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I thought I was being crazy, but I guess my reaction to the situation seems pretty normal after hearing all of your feedback.

It looks like a resounding "Yes" to Question #1. It makes sense that people enjoy being in the presence of others to share a moment of connection and celebration. But sometimes like healingme4me pointed out, logistics get in the way :/ Next time I will make more of an effort to work out the logistics better so that the exchange doesn't end up dissatisfying. I will also focus more on experiences rather than material items.

Just so there is no confusion, my SO did acknowledge my efforts and said he was blown away and speechless when he saw the surprise. I also think him opening gifts without me was unintentional (as a couple of you have mentioned). I slightly blame myself for not having moved out of my parents' earlier, which is what caused this whole issue in the first place. If I was already living with him, this would not have been a problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Question 5: If the only reason people give big gifts is so that they can feel a little bit better about themselves, then would that make gifting a large/meaningful present a selfish act?

The only reason? Are you saying that the giver literally does not care whether or not the receiver liked the gift? They are not trying to find something suitable for the person? If the answer to my questions is yes, then the gift would be largely a self-centered act, as it would be aimed at the self and not at the other person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

#5 the word meaningful stands out in the question. A gift no matter how big or small isn't necessarily with selfish motives? Nor necessarily to boost self esteem. I gave my oldest son a rather pricey gift for his birthday. Had a warm heart to heart before I did. It was pricey but also a longer term investment, yet, in a style that appeals to a certain side of himself. I wouldn't give that to someone I didn't love and care for though. His reaction was memorable. I had a selfish motive in giving it a couple of days early and I told him that I didn't want to lend to any thoughts that it was a replacement of what just broke.

Thanks Bill and healingme4me for the insight to Question #5. You are both correct that if someone took the time to choose a meaningful gift, it would be with the intent to give something the receiver would really appreciate. Thus, that negates any so-called "selfish" intent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm surprised that his reaction despite opening without you adds to your wondering all of this about yourself, your motives, self worth, etc? Is everything ok?

Thank you for expressing your concern, I think I am doing ok. I am most likely just doubting myself too much. I have a lot of spare time on my hands to think over this kind of stuff. I need to have more faith in myself and my choices. Focus on the positives.

*Laurie* · Jun 21, 2017 at 04:38 PM

It sounds to me like your SO was on the up-and-up and certainly didn't intend to hurt your feelings.

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Laurie Account Suspended Member Since Jan 2015 Location: California Uber Alles Posts: 9,150 (SuperPoster!) 9 5,382 hugs given	Jun 20, 2017 at 07:24 PM #6 I'm curious as to why your SO celebrated his birthday with co-workers instead of with you, or with you there, too?
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Laurie Account Suspended Member Since Jan 2015 Location: California Uber Alles Posts: 9,150 (SuperPoster!) 9 5,382 hugs given	Jun 21, 2017 at 04:38 PM #9 It sounds to me like your SO was on the up-and-up and certainly didn't intend to hurt your feelings.
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