[Jellyfish18]

It sometimes feels I do not know how to socialise. It is hard to talk about this because my only parent, mother, neglects the problem but it impacts every area of my life, from study to work. I can't seem to persist or finish things and I have no hobbies. I mainly sleep and eat. All I do is that and it feels like a big part of me is missing. She says only that I seem to have "no drive" but really, she only cares about what I do and even that not much, not about who and what I am,, how I really feel and all my issues. It's like she evades responsibility and any care for me. It's all one-dimensional with her. She doesn't even take care that I have a job most times, let alone whether I have friends and if I am ok. She just works and meditates and doesn't give a ****.
I live with some peers (I moved in) and all I do is eat and sleep in my room. It is hard for me to talk to them when I just go to the kitchen, sometimes I am ashamed to even leave the room, it is always unnatural when I do talk, and I do nothing all day. Even if I work, all I do is work and come home. It is hard to focus at work because there is hardly any human contact for me. It is hard to maintain friendships or impossible because I cannot be relaxed. All I have are acquaintances or shallow relationships (saying "hi" and "how are you"). I have nothing to share with people. I am so sick of this life.
I feel alone and like I would have no one to call if I were old. Everyone has at least one friend but I can't seem to keep any. I meet people once and that is it. If I lived at home, in fact I would not have a single friend because all we do is argue and she never takes the time to talk to me how she is supposed to. She both overfocuses on what I am doing and how I am doing it if I ask her to pay some attention ("watch this, watch that, watch that you put salt in the water, watch that you use this cup only" - unimportant things I have heard a million times and already know) and completely ignores the real issue which is being almost friendless and alone and doing absolutely nothing, with a million problems which will be solved by who if not her? If she doesn't care about this and DOES something, who will?
I have tried therapists but you only see them once a week and they merely skim the surface, plus cost a lot of money.
It feels like I should be living with another family that really cares for me and I will look into this option. I may be past 18 but it is clear to me I cannot live like this anymore. I can never relax so I oversleep, I never laugh, there is no joy in life except eating something good. All the human enjoyments and contact is missed.
My whole life, she only focused that I am going to school and have good grades but at the same time, she was leaving me at home for entire day alone and I was responsible for finding my own company - if at all. There is nothing human-friendly at the home so I cannot be there very long.
Because of this, I have moved frequently, it is hard to keep at things and do what I want to do, my life is missing from me and well, I am missing my friends so much. If you can help me, I will appreciate it.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I encourage you to keep looking for a therapist who will go deeper with you or possibly a life coach to start building a life that you enjoy. Can you talk with your mom in a mutually beneficial way? Find out what she needs from you and let her know in a non confrontational way what you need from her. Try to have a true heart-to-heart if possible. Have you been to a GP or pdoc to rule out physical ailments or depression? Best wishes.

[Pflaumenkeks]

that sounds like a lot to deal with. Not only now, but maybe you need to work through some things from your childhood. I mean you basicaly describing an abusive parent (neglecting & overcontroling combination).
so, if you can afford it, therapy might be good to keep doing.

She will not solve your problems. Maybe she cares, maybe not. But she doesn't act like she does.

I'm so sorry that you don't have a family that appreciates you. You deserve better and it's unfair that you have a hard time because of it. They were supposed to teach you this stuff. Caring and friendship and love.

When I'm depressed such feelings tend to add up, and it's exhausting. I drown in despair and there is no hope. I think the loss of hope and joy, the darkness and loneliness will allways be my description of depression. Mix in a little trauma (cptsd here) and it looks even more like an endless meaningless path.

Here's what worked for me:
- long term therapy
- the internet (no seriously. friendships can have various forms and twitter saved my life)
- drawing or other creative ways to reappraise this stuff
- writing (for me it's a tool to break the spiral in my head and instead force my thoughts to move to the next step)
- internship/volunteering/working/(in my case queer) communities/..

I know you said you have no hobbies, but finding something that is at least "meh, okay maybe I guess" level of fun with other people helps. A lot.
You get so see other people regularly
Eventually you will get to know some of their problems
And this makes you feel like belonging

It may not give you the 1:1 friendship guaranty, but it lessens the loneliness and isolation.
And maybe you find someone who sticks to you (there are fascinating people out there that manage to take you the way you are - they are a blessing)

I wish you luck, healing and frienship

[Jellyfish18]

Originally Posted by Pflaumenkeks

that sounds like a lot to deal with. Not only now, but maybe you need to work through some things from your childhood. I mean you basicaly describing an abusive parent (neglecting & overcontroling combination).
so, if you can afford it, therapy might be good to keep doing.

She will not solve your problems. Maybe she cares, maybe not. But she doesn't act like she does.

I'm so sorry that you don't have a family that appreciates you. You deserve better and it's unfair that you have a hard time because of it. They were supposed to teach you this stuff. Caring and friendship and love.

When I'm depressed such feelings tend to add up, and it's exhausting. I drown in despair and there is no hope. I think the loss of hope and joy, the darkness and loneliness will allways be my description of depression. Mix in a little trauma (cptsd here) and it looks even more like an endless meaningless path.

Here's what worked for me:
- long term therapy
- the internet (no seriously. friendships can have various forms and twitter saved my life)
- drawing or other creative ways to reappraise this stuff
- writing (for me it's a tool to break the spiral in my head and instead force my thoughts to move to the next step)
- internship/volunteering/working/(in my case queer) communities/..

I know you said you have no hobbies, but finding something that is at least "meh, okay maybe I guess" level of fun with other people helps. A lot.
You get so see other people regularly
Eventually you will get to know some of their problems
And this makes you feel like belonging

It may not give you the 1:1 friendship guaranty, but it lessens the loneliness and isolation.
And maybe you find someone who sticks to you (there are fascinating people out there that manage to take you the way you are - they are a blessing)

I wish you luck, healing and frienship

(Thanks for reply.) What kind of hobbies can I have that will involve other people, that don't cost a lot of money? Because money is another issue, and I can't ask her because she basically lives for work and leaves everything else (all problems) for me even if I can't deal with it.

[Pflaumenkeks]

Hm, that might depend on were you live? If you're not interested in organizing something yourself you might wanna look what groups there already are.

I don't know if your city has charities that organize low/no cost workshops? We have tons of those here. And the local Antifas are also quite active in organizing stuff for people without money.

Other Ideas:

Going for a walk with a fix group, playing some sportgames on an open space,

role playing games doesn't have to be fancy with cosplay and stuff. Pen and paper can be all you need. And there are pretty awesome ones out there, too

Dancing or playing theater in amateur groups can be very inexpensive and therapeutical

Hackspaces are free for all

walking dogs for others might even give you a bit of a bonus money (and believe me, you get to know a lot of people with dogs.)
- If you're to shy asking people directly for a regular meeting, just walk at the same place the same time. Dog owners tend to have a pretty regular schedule and, at least here, you have to actively avoid social contact if you don't want to get to know them.

I guess volunteering is not an option due to the money issue? I mean it doesn't cost, but it doesn't get you money either and costs a lot of time.

Maybe others have more ideas?

[GreenBlueRed]

Originally Posted by Nina_Xxx

(Thanks for reply.) What kind of hobbies can I have that will involve other people, that don't cost a lot of money? Because money is another issue, and I can't ask her because she basically lives for work and leaves everything else (all problems) for me even if I can't deal with it.

It sounds like you are suffering from depression. I am sorry to hear your mom is making things worse for you, instead of helping. It sounds like you have been caught in a trap of feeling worthless and immobilized, probably from your mom controlling all the details, as you describe.

As we get older, it becomes harder to find a friend. Sometimes they will fall in your lap, sometimes you will search one out and won't always succeed. And that is not your fault, people are different and don't always click.

When I was in college, I didn't have any friends and stayed in my room all the time like you describe. The first and only real friend I made I met online using the college message boards. They were very kind and seemed interested in me as a person, and then we met at a party organized over the message board. We may not have expressed particular hobbies, but we found things to do together and that became our hobbies. We went to trivia nights in bars, learned to play an instrument together after my friend got one as a gift, went to political protests, watched tv shows and cooked together, we went on walks and talked, explored the city. We shared our darkest hurts, and he was in a lot of pain. I was too, and we healed just by being there for each other.

All this happened without much planning, and didn't cost money; we were both broke, but open to new things and open to each other. This is what a I hope you can find, too. It was one on 20 attempts to make a friend, but that one made the other failures worth it.

With whatever means you have, reach out (as you are doing now). It doesn't need to be conventional. You don't need to define your interests. You had plenty to say right here, and we are hearing you. The more you show who you are, the better the chance that you will attract someone who can be your friend. And that will help you deal with the pressure you are under with your family.

It is hard to feel alone and stuck. It doesn't go away easily, but please don't give up.

[Jellyfish18]

Originally Posted by Pflaumenkeks

that sounds like a lot to deal with. Not only now, but maybe you need to work through some things from your childhood. I mean you basicaly describing an abusive parent (neglecting & overcontroling combination).
so, if you can afford it, therapy might be good to keep doing.

She will not solve your problems. Maybe she cares, maybe not. But she doesn't act like she does.

I'm so sorry that you don't have a family that appreciates you. You deserve better and it's unfair that you have a hard time because of it. They were supposed to teach you this stuff. Caring and friendship and love.

When I'm depressed such feelings tend to add up, and it's exhausting. I drown in despair and there is no hope. I think the loss of hope and joy, the darkness and loneliness will allways be my description of depression. Mix in a little trauma (cptsd here) and it looks even more like an endless meaningless path.

Here's what worked for me:
- long term therapy
- the internet (no seriously. friendships can have various forms and twitter saved my life)
- drawing or other creative ways to reappraise this stuff
- writing (for me it's a tool to break the spiral in my head and instead force my thoughts to move to the next step)
- internship/volunteering/working/(in my case queer) communities/..

I know you said you have no hobbies, but finding something that is at least "meh, okay maybe I guess" level of fun with other people helps. A lot.
You get so see other people regularly
Eventually you will get to know some of their problems
And this makes you feel like belonging

It may not give you the 1:1 friendship guaranty, but it lessens the loneliness and isolation.
And maybe you find someone who sticks to you (there are fascinating people out there that manage to take you the way you are - they are a blessing)

I wish you luck, healing and frienship

If they did not or do not teach you about friendship, what can you do? I don't want to give up but I practically have no closer friends... they don't just come flying, you have to make an effort. I would like things to be different but I don't know how. I would like real friendships, not just online ones..

[Pflaumenkeks]

Sorry, I have a lot going on lately.

Maybe this https://captainawkward.com/2015/01/2...w-do-i-people/ might help?

[eggsinfinitum]

Originally Posted by Jellyfish18

If they did not or do not teach you about friendship, what can you do? I don't want to give up but I practically have no closer friends... they don't just come flying, you have to make an effort. I would like things to be different but I don't know how. I would like real friendships, not just online ones..

Hi Jellyfish,

This won't solve everything, but one idea is to find a Toastmasters club in your area- they focus on speaking and leadership skills. Guests attend for free, and it's a good, friendly learning environment. The public library also usually has free groups, or used to. You could take walks in pretty places where other people go, and talk to people walking their dogs- I think someone else mentioned this here.

Another thought- people usually like people who are good listeners- I'm not saying you aren't already, but just a thought, maybe focus on listening. I always used to be really uncomfortable around new people, I mean super uncomfortable, but then I realized my face had a very unfriendly look on it- not bc I'm unfriendly, but bc I was uncomfortable. I started smiling, and even though it seemed fake at first- it was fake at first!- a kind of miracle happened where I started feeling on the inside what I looked like on the outside, and got more comfortable with new people. I also journal a lot, which really helps with the loneliness & other human feelings, helps get those feelings out in a constructive way so I can be more receptive & understanding with others.

I think you'd be surprised how many people feel exactly the same as you, if there's any comfort in that. This site is really great for talking things out and reaching out to people.

Take care

[ptangptang]

Firstly I empathise with you. I know how hard it is to 'get your *** in gear' when you are all alone but as you say you are over 18 so you have to start taking responsibility for yourself...though I do appreciate that others should have set the groundwork for you.
Meetup.com is an internet hub that has all sorts of groups so pick a few that interest you. Walking is free ,i'm sure you can join a group. Don't just stay in bed or indoors. Force yourself to go out and start talking to people. Go regularly and you will get to know people and gradually make a few like minded friends. Sure there are a few a##holes but you ditch them and move on . Good luck