[Fresia]

I have taken care of my family my entire life. I've done most of what they have asked of me my entire life as well even when it went against my best interest.

My Mom died a few months ago and my Dad a stroke survivor, whom I was caring for, got a stage 4 cancer diagnosis and decided to move out of state to be near his grand kids. I stayed behind because I wasn't functioning for a good period of time due to the shock and grief for both parents, my job was here/benefits can't let go of without another and was in no place to look for another, and to get his house ready for sale.

Since then I have come to realize for the first time in my life that I don't want to move anymore and start over yet again for the hundreth time. I like it here, a lot. Granted, I can make a home anywhere but I like this area, the people, and the beach nearby. I am not thrilled about the winter but where my Dad is now, they get even more snow than we do, 60 more inches a year. I already hate the amount of white sh** we get. I always said if I moved, it would be south. With my MH though, I don't adjust to change anymore the way I used to.

My family, including my Dad is insisting I move to where he is. I am struggling because he doesn't have much time left and want to see him as much as possible. I do go to visit so I am seeing him. However, I don't like the city where my brother lives, the job prospects are limited in my field, and though I would move there to be by them, I don't know that I could stay there. It is expensive to move and I don't want to get stuck there. They think that city is the greatest. For them, but not for me. I do love them all dearly and it is hard being long distance at times. At others, I don't mind it. They raised us to be independent. I just like it here. A have a good job that is supportive, and support network here of providers and friends. I am not sure I am up for starting over again.

I am struggling with this, and if so, how to tell my dying father and brother that I just don't want to live where they live, not because of them, they may love it there but I don't. It's just not for me.

Perhaps I am picking the wrong time to be selfish; perhaps I should just suck it and move, but I have to make a decision soon. I'm not good with boundaries with my family so any suggestions or insights are much appreciated.

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, the final decision is up to you.. I think you should do the right decision for YOURSELF and not depending on your family.. I think you should just explain that you want to stay here because you like the place better, not because you don't love them.. and that you're still gonna visit them as much as you can. I don't think there's really any other solution :/ Good luck

[Teddy Bear]

My family is making me live by my brother and father. I currently live with my brother. When I move out I have to stay close so that I can be checked on. If your mental health will let you live away from family, live where you want to.

[eskielover]

Your have great reasons for staying where you are. I wouldnt move either. Besides with your dad at stage 4, by the time you get packed & moved there may be no reason any longer.

A good support network & MH support when you find it is the most valuable thing you can have since you can visit your dad just not there as much as he would like....at least you can see him.

I think your decision is probably easier than you think....& the cost of moving is an added expense with not having a job there. Circumstances really do define your logical answer....."It's not practical for me financially or emotionally to make the move when this is now my home"

[Bill3]

If you move there, how much will you resent your father and family?

[Sunflower123]

You should stay where you are. It's not easy to find a job you enjoy plus a good support system, friends and the biggest thing...you are happy there. You can visit your brother and dad as much as you can. Take good care of yourself. This is your life. I wish you the best.

[healingme4me]

I think you've some very valid reasons for living where you live. As you wrote, you do get to visit.

It's not even selfish, it's logical and rational.

[Fresia]

Thank you everyone. I am realy upset about this and I appreciate knowing that my thinking rational. I feel a complete mess and wreck.

Then guess what he did last night. He made me an offer: To pay for my move;To buy a house there, and rent it to me for what I can afford once I find a job.

My first thought is that it was really nice of him. The next thoughts were key, "if" I can find a job and if not, what then? There there is that I am still doing the updates to his house to get it ready for sale. It's not ready. I also feel down to my bones, I am not ready to leave this area: 1. simply, I like it here, 2. my good memories of being with the two of them are here, 3. as mentioned, I cannot get moved in time more than likely. I also know what the healthcare is like here, especially with the insurance I currently have in my current job; with all of my ailments and mH, this coverage is more important than income.

Perhaps I will buy a lottery ticket today so I can keep the house here but to be able to go stay longer periods of time for visits if I win.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Fresia

Perhaps I am picking the wrong time to be selfish;

Here, in my opinion, is your struggle. You've already made up your mind that practicing self-care is selfish.

Bill's question is a good one. My working definition of co-dependency is: Doing something for someone else and then resenting them for it.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Fresia

Thank you everyone. I am realy upset about this and I appreciate knowing that my thinking rational. I feel a complete mess and wreck.

Then guess what he did last night. He made me an offer: To pay for my move;To buy a house there, and rent it to me for what I can afford once I find a job.

My first thought is that it was really nice of him. The next thoughts were key, "if" I can find a job and if not, what then? There there is that I am still doing the updates to his house to get it ready for sale. It's not ready. I also feel down to my bones, I am not ready to leave this area: 1. simply, I like it here, 2. my good memories of being with the two of them are here, 3. as mentioned, I cannot get moved in time more than likely. I also know what the healthcare is like here, especially with the insurance I currently have in my current job; with all of my ailments and mH, this coverage is more important than income.

Perhaps I will buy a lottery ticket today so I can keep the house here but to be able to go stay longer periods of time for visits if I win.

I take it that your dad is refusing in some way shape or form, to accept no as a valid answer? And by trying to justify and rationalize your reasons, I sense a bit of guilt?

Yagr has a most excellent point, as does Bill3, about resentment.

Some can and do naturally choose to follow a caregiver path and gladly do so for their parents. And it works for them.

I still, 20 + years later and now with a ghost, harbor resentments towards my mom for not just wanting me close, but all that went into keeping me close during and immediately after high school and college.

My gram, her mom, now in her elderly years, has subscribed to not ever wanting to place such pressure on her children. My uncle, her only living child, oversees her care, but from a 2 hour distance. She calls it 'doesn't want to be a burden.' not that we don't all stay in contact nor visit, but in her widow years almost 30, she prides herself on and has cherished her independence and quality of deepened friendships outside her immediate family circle. I admire that of her and others that I know to allow their children to thrive from a distance.