[connect.the.stars]

This post is a reflection on the meaning of "control." I read articles everywhere that acting "controlling" in a relationship is detrimental and undesirable to the other party. I can understand the feeling of discomfort because I have controlling parents, so hence I try very hard not to act demanding in the relationship.

However, yesterday my SO told me that he thinks I need to "learn how to control my man." I thought he just meant being firm when he mentions how he wants to eat ice cream when I know he is trying to diet. But he really meant that I am too laissez faire with him.

Examples:
1) I try not to call him when I think he is busy with errands or work because I don't want to distract him.
2) I don't point out areas of improvement like how he needs to clean/organize his living space because I don't want to stress him out.
3) I am not verbal about changing situations where I can foresee myself getting upset because I don't want to ruin the natural flow of events with my super-imposed preferences.

I guess I just really don't like inserting myself into areas that could potentially change what he is like as a person or act as an annoyance. But I need to be able to see that if I am offering constructive improvement advice, it is not a bad thing to verbalize my thoughts. If there is something I really want changed, I shouldn't be afraid to ask for it. I can't be 100% okay with everything all the time. I try very hard to accept everything thrown my way (don't worry, be happy), but this ends up mitigating authentic meaning in the things that truly matter.

Counterarguments to above examples:
1) It is not demanding to want to talk on the phone. In fact, if I never wanted to talk on the phone, that would imply that something was deeply wrong with our relationship. I should simply call him when I want to talk. If he is really busy, he'll let me know to call him at a more convenient time. No harm done.
2) I can't sugar coat everything. People can usually sense if you're telling them a white lie because internally they have an idea of where they need to improve. They just need the extra push/validation. If I am too kind to point anything out on account of "not wanting to stress him out," then he won't have feedback on what I think he needs to work on. He'll forever think things are fine the way they are and that he can get by with the bare minimum. I can't make excuses for him before he even gets the opportunity to work on something.
3) This kind of piggy backs off #2, but I need to offer feedback...from my perspective. If I know a situation will be uncomfortable for me (i.e. I dislike horror movies), then I should speak up when someone suggests watching a horror film and say "Sorry, can we watch something else?" Most people wouldn't want you to have a terrible time. It's not some noble deed to suck it up just to please others. So if something is bothering you, say something.

I find it odd that my SO calls this "control." I guess people associate the term "control" with the more negative connotation of "manipulation" which involves guilt and blackmailing. But my SO's version of control is more about a respectful way of communicating my needs. It is similar to assertiveness or self-confidence. People have a fear of appearing too "needy" or "controlling" in a relationship, but it can actually be healthy in small doses. It validates that you want to be with the other person. It validates that you have personal desires too. And it doesn't let you get away with shirking responsibilities. It reminds you that in order to maintain a relationship, you have to put in the effort.

I'd love to hear your guys' thoughts on this. This is intended to be a theory post, so no real question here. I just want to bounce ideas and see if what I'm thinking sounds logical to others

[Sunflower123]

This is just my opinion but your counter arguments sound like assertiveness and good communication in a relationship. The connotation of the word control can be negative. It doesn't seem to fit here. IMHO. Best wishes.

Originally Posted by connect.the.stars

I try very hard not to act demanding in the relationship.

However, yesterday my SO told me that he thinks I need to "learn how to control my man." I thought he just meant being firm when he mentions how he wants to eat ice cream when I know he is trying to diet. But he really meant that I am too laissez faire with him.

Examples:
1) I try not to call him when I think he is busy with errands or work because I don't want to distract him.
2) I don't point out areas of improvement like how he needs to clean/organize his living space because I don't want to stress him out.
3) I am not verbal about changing situations where I can foresee myself getting upset because I don't want to ruin the natural flow of events with my super-imposed preferences.

Giving and receiving, depending and supporting--people have their own preferences and expectations but partners have to talk and negotiate the rules all of the time. So many of the rules are ambiguous and even when we express what we want--sometimes it's not exactly what we want--does that even make sense? For instance, in example one and two--if you start calling too much or tell him to clean too much--there is a point at which he won't like it. Plus, if you are not comfortable with it--you need to gently tell him. But maybe you are just trying to please him to much and he's trying to draw you out? I don't know. For me, self confidence is not being afraid to say what you think and want. Controlling is withholding love when someone doesn't do what you want. Love at it's most intimate is telling someone your deepest desires but still loving and supporting them even if they want something totally different.

[Bill3]

Did he give those examples 1, 2, snd 3? If not, what examples would he give?

[healingme4me]

I'm wondering about 'people-pleasing' in this theoretical'conversation'. I'm wondering about the word no in terms of whatever anyone else wants is fine by you as there might lack a true sense of preferring one thing over the other, as simple as a meal or curtain colors. ?

That is actually something that I have worked on and at various moments still work on, about myself. I can relate on some levels. The thing is, can't change an apple into an orange, it's not natural. In exchange, assertiveness skills are helpful. Life turns into a negotiation as opposed to dictatorial at home. Team based as opposed to a power based relationship, so to speak. So instead of learning to 'control your man', your man becomes well versed in your authentic likes and dislikes and can decide accordingly.

[avlady]

i agree with all above especially healingme4me.