[shakespeare47]

Do you have people in your life you think might be friends, but who also do things that make it difficult for you to trust them completely?

There is a couple in my life right now who have a daughter the same age as my son, and they were in the same class for 2nd grade. Sometimes I feel like I'd like to get to know them better, and they invite us over to their place. They live nearby and they babysit for us sometimes, and we've done the same for them.

But, they can also be petty and even competitive when it comes to their daughter. My son and I spent the afternoon with them on Sat, and it's pretty common for them to brag about how well their daughter is doing in school. This time after the mother got done bragging, she asked what teacher my son would have for 3rd grade. When I told her I wasn't sure, she asked my son if he was going to be repeating the 2nd grade. It was just a ridiculous question. I answered that he did fine and that he would be going on to 3rd grade. (we have a great relationship with his teacher, and she didn't even hint that there might be issues with his going on to 3rd grade). My son didn't even notice... he just had a great time playing with their daughter that afternoon, and she seems like a really good person.

I always feel on edge when I'm with them, because I never know when these types of comments will come out of their mouths. I've taken to avoiding them completely in the past, then feel a little guilty about it.

It's another of those situations where I feel like I can blame myself. I've said and done some rude things to them in the past. I feel guilty about that as well, and I'm making an effort to get to the place where I'm always kind to people, and always act with equanimity.

Can anyone else relate? Are there people in your life that you're not sure about?

[treevoice]

Growing up, my dad always went out of his way to tell me every chance he could that "All people, good or bad, are full of sh**." I've been through phases where I truly believed that, and other phases where I tried to be optimistic, but at the end of the day - people are people. Most of the time they have good intentions, but we all have our little internal dramas. I doubt these people are deliberately trying to hurt you/your child, but for whatever reason maybe they feel insecure about their child/parenting and are lashing out passive aggressively at others as a way of projecting their insecurity. That's just one possibility, but the point is, most of the little dramas people create have nothing to do with you. You aren't under any obligation to be friends with them if they make you uncomfortable, but the older I get the more I come to accept that people just do what they do and it's not worth your energy to spin your wheels about it. It's funny, when you stop buying in to peoples' little games and just live your life without engaging in that junk, sometimes they lash out more and sometimes they follow suit - either way you'll be a lot happier not wasting your energy on them!

[dermald]

If they're getting overly-competitive with you, then it's definitely a case of them showing their insecurity. They will never want to admit that anyone is doing anything better. They will also not be able to admit that it doesn't really matter.

I had a bunch of people who I thought were my friends. Without giving myself away, I had a job where I could be their "inside connection" and they'd get special help. When that job went away, half of them went away, too.

The rest ended up turning their back on me. It's a long story, but in the end, I didn't have a friend in any of them.

With regard to parenting, my son was friends with a kid whose dad was a famous football player. They're all very smart people, and financially way better off than we were. Still, my son and I would go to their insanely huge house, take the elevator to the arcade, and play video games. Just hanging out. They never had any need to rub anything in, or to try to be competitive. They were just good people, very kind, generous, and I was glad to know them. Our kids graduated years ago, so we don't spend time anymore. I kinda miss that.

[inforone2]

I still have that in and my life. I could never hold friendships growing up. Grade school up to 8th grade always teased and bullied. They would be my friend one day, and the next day they all would turn against me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

Do you have people in your life you think might be friends, but who also do things that make it difficult for you to trust them completely?

There is a couple in my life right now who have a daughter the same age as my son, and they were in the same class for 2nd grade. Sometimes I feel like I'd like to get to know them better, and they invite us over to their place. They live nearby and they babysit for us sometimes, and we've done the same for them.

But, they can also be petty and even competitive when it comes to their daughter. My son and I spent the afternoon with them on Sat, and it's pretty common for them to brag about how well their daughter is doing in school. This time after the mother got done bragging, she asked what teacher my son would have for 3rd grade. When I told her I wasn't sure, she asked my son if he was going to be repeating the 2nd grade. It was just a ridiculous question. I answered that he did fine and that he would be going on to 3rd grade. (we have a great relationship with his teacher, and she didn't even hint that there might be issues with his going on to 3rd grade). My son didn't even notice... he just had a great time playing with their daughter that afternoon, and she seems like a really good person.

I always feel on edge when I'm with them, because I never know when these types of comments will come out of their mouths. I've taken to avoiding them completely in the past, then feel a little guilty about it.

It's another of those situations where I feel like I can blame myself. I've said and done some rude things to them in the past. I feel guilty about that as well, and I'm making an effort to get to the place where I'm always kind to people, and always act with equanimity.

Can anyone else relate? Are there people in your life that you're not sure about?

Doesn't sound like they are actually friends, really but people you are acquainted with and happen to share babysitting responsibilities with back and forth.

There is nothing to be unsure about, This parent or parents don't think of you as a friend either but a lesser parent with a child of what they believe is lesser quality.

Now why can I make this statement? of course it's an assumption but I think one based on an educated guess. A friend does not go out of their way to insult another friend. A person that respects you would not ask questions like she did. Repeating a grade in school is really not typical or common, so the question was rather a telling one about this other parent. Even kids that are not doing great in school typically pass each grade, especially that young - the 2nd to 3rd grade. It would be a pretty extreme case when kids repeat. At least in my experience and I have 2 grown kids and two in high school. none of which have ever had to repeat even in their difficult periods.

So... considering how highly they place value on grades and education it would be pretty safe to assume they are pretty educated and intelligent (at least intellectually, I can't say as much socially) She probably knew exactly the kind of insult she was throwing at you. She may have known that it was unlikely he failed to pass so it seems to me that she was more likely making a purposeful jab at you and your kid and making it clear what she thinks of you and your son.

I would steer clear of them outside of letting the kids be friends.

[s4ndm4n2006]

added thought after reading other responses. As to their insecurities, I couldn't care less. That's on them and one's insecurities never is an excuse to insult and berate others whether directly or passive aggressively.

You deserve better friends. That couple will never stop with the insults.

[shakespeare47]

Sometimes I feel like breaking off all contact. Sometimes I feel like just saying to myself, "maybe their criticism have some merit." It is a challenge to figure out what exactly their criticisms are. Based on their behavior, I suspect they think have a problem with my taking pride in my son's accomplishments.

I don't get the sense they're on my side. But, I suppose, like most people, they have good and bad qualities. It would be difficult to avoid them completely.

[Rpmblank]

If you can't avoid them, you can try to keep the conversation to a minimum. They are certainly not friend material.

[shakespeare47]

Another issue is that my wife and I can't seem to get on the same page when it comes to the people we spend time with.

I tell her I'd rather not spend as much time with certain specific people and tell her the reasons, and it seems her perspective is that she likes them, they are faultless, and that I'm the one with the problem.