We spent the better part of a day - my holiday - driving around the City looking for my boyfriend's friend's son. The friend had called my boyfriend for help. Could we look for his son and put him up for the night.

On the surface this doesn't sound like much but it was to me. This young man is an addict who had walked out of his rehab centre a week previous. His father learnt he was in my boyfriend's city (I was visiting) and asked for help.

One of the things that infuriated me was that we spent a day looking for this individual when his dad could have driven to the city in a matter of hours and done so himself. His dad could have then taken him home or found him a hotel room, etc. Why were we expected to drop everything to do this? Why were we expected to put him up? Why was this our problem?

We finally found the boy. As I had expected he was higher than a kite and wanted money not help. We did manage to talk him into a warm meal (he hadn't eaten in four days). It was only with the promise of washing his clothes and a hot shower that he was convinced in coming home with us. I didn't trust him on account of his state. I got no sleep that night. It was me who had to nurse him through withdrawal.

Needless to say I was really quite ticked off. I was really scared. This was supposed to be my holiday. Where was his father in all this.

My boyfriend on the other hand seemed to feel he was obligated to jump to action to help. His friend had helped him out in the past. But since when is something like jump-starting a car equivalent to putting your life potentially in harms way?

[Teddy Bear]

Well was it a one time thing or do you help him constantly?

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry this happened. Have you talked with your boyfriend about this?

[Erebos]

Well if this is a constant thing where your boyfriend is constantly putting up money or placing himself in danger for this person then I might well say something.

However as a mother anD someone who has many friends with kids if they asked this of me then absolutely I would try to help. I have a long distance n, I visit one day a month. But it's no skin off my nose if we spend one day putting a friends mind at ease. There is always next month.
If the kid had ended up in hospital or o'd'd I would never forgive myself.
Nor would I feel comfortable imposing my opinion on my partner about his friend.
It seems perfectly practical to ask for assistance of someone local to the area. Yes he could have driven through, and in that time the person living their could have found him.
Why didn't he pick him up and take him home.
Possibly Because the relationship between addicts and their families are complicated tenuous and prone to massive fights and ruptures. I doubt the father would have received as positive reaction as your partner did when he showed up.
It sounds like your partner values his friendships and has empathy for his friend in this situation. Those are hard things to come by in anyone so I find it difficult to find fault.
I assume you don't believe your partner would put you are any actual risk of being hurt, so it's doubtful he felt this kid was a threat.

I suppose it just seems a little odd to me that if this is a one off event why it irks you so much.

no one was harmed.
Your partner feels good about himself.
His friend is grateful.
The kid is safe.
And whilst it wasn't what you expected you still spent the day with your fella.

Maybe I am missing something. I do hope this isn't something that effects your relationship, hopefully next visit will be more to your liking.
All the best and Take care.

[Sunflower123]

I think it was appropriate unless this happens consistently. You did a good thing. I can see how you would feel unsafe though. Could you have driven him home after a hot meal and a hot shower or put him up in a motel? Best wishes.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

We spent the better part of a day - my holiday - driving around the City looking for my boyfriend's friend's son. The friend had called my boyfriend for help. Could we look for his son and put him up for the night.

On the surface this doesn't sound like much but it was to me. This young man is an addict who had walked out of his rehab centre a week previous. His father learnt he was in my boyfriend's city (I was visiting) and asked for help.

One of the things that infuriated me was that we spent a day looking for this individual when his dad could have driven to the city in a matter of hours and done so himself. His dad could have then taken him home or found him a hotel room, etc. Why were we expected to drop everything to do this? Why were we expected to put him up? Why was this our problem?

We finally found the boy. As I had expected he was higher than a kite and wanted money not help. We did manage to talk him into a warm meal (he hadn't eaten in four days). It was only with the promise of washing his clothes and a hot shower that he was convinced in coming home with us. I didn't trust him on account of his state. I got no sleep that night. It was me who had to nurse him through withdrawal.

Needless to say I was really quite ticked off. I was really scared. This was supposed to be my holiday. Where was his father in all this.

My boyfriend on the other hand seemed to feel he was obligated to jump to action to help. His friend had helped him out in the past. But since when is something like jump-starting a car equivalent to putting your life potentially in harms way?

If it is a one time thing then it's okay but if it is constantly, then there are definitely limits. Otherwise you could easily get used.

I think you did a good thing, maybe this kid will realise this one day, I hope so.

Your bf sounds like a very loyal friend, but yes if this bothers you then you absolutely need to tell him.

[Crazy Hitch]

I think some men just think differently about these types of things. They'll go running at the first chance to help out (never minding the danger either).

I don't know if it was as simple as a case of his father getting in the car to pick him up. A story like this is usually complex, and there could be myriads of reasons as to why he wouldn't have gotten into the car with his dad, which his dad would well know.

I don't believe that there are any limits to helping a friend to be honest.

It depends on the friend and the level of friendship I have with them. Someone I am truly friends with, I would help out, if I felt comfortable in doing so.

I'm just not sure why you had to go with on the ride though.

[Rose76]

I might go along with this once, if I were in your place. But I would now tell boyfriend that we are never doing this again . . . at least not in a way that involves me . . . were I you. I would tell boyfriend that, if he ever feels the need to do this again, he should plan on taking addict-son to a hotel with him.

Your boyfriend's friend needs to go to Nar-anon. This rescue mission - IMHO - is not how you help an addict. I agree that, if the dad wanted his son found, that's not something a parent delegates. He had some nerve would be my take.

You're right to see this as a dangerous involvement. You are just lucky that your home wasn't robbed.

I've had people I love get seriously into substance abuse. I was willimg to do just about anything to be supportive of them in getting cleaned up. I've visited where someone was staying at a rehab facility. I've had homeless loved ones (2 of them) come to my door, and I've taken them in. But I also understand that I cannot make another person's decisions for him/her. I've lost a beloved relative who used drugs to suicide. I'm plenty sensitive to the pain of having someone you love get caught up in addiction. Combing the streets to rescue someone does not work. I've done it and I know others who have. Maybe we got a result that felt good for the night, like your boyfriend probably felt good after you had addict-son tucked in bed. You'll probably hear the longer term upshot of this mini-drama. The young man will be right back out there.

I'm wondering how old was this son of the friend? If he was a minor, the dad should have undertaken the search himself, if he wanted to find his kid. If he were over 18 years of age, then I think the whole "rescue mission" was ill-conceived.

Personally, my obligation to a friend or anybody else for that matter ends the moment that person's actions become a threat to my own life or well being.

Call me heartless, but if another person is making foolish decisions and those decisions put either my life or my mental or physical health at risk, I'm not dealing with them. If a person is consistently putting me at risk, then they are getting kicked out my my life for good.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I wouldn't help a loved one who is in actual legitimate danger that they didn't choose to get in, however, if somebody is making foolish decisions that affect me negatively that they can choose not to do, yet they won't make an effort to change and/or get help, then they are not worthy of being in my life.

I know I sound cold and heartless but it takes a great deal of energy just to function in society with all of my mental health issues. Going to school, working, and keeping myself from getting overwhelmed and making foolish decisions that endanger other people myself take a significant amount of time and energy. After all is said and done, I have very limited energy to deal with people, therefore, I choose who I allow in my life very carefully.

Thanks for all of your replies. I wrote this in haste out of feeling rather ticked. I still am; mostly that I wasn't consulted. It is so rare we have a difference of opinion I am sure he just assumed I wouldn't question this. Fortunately, it worked out. The boy was taken off the street and reunited with his father. Given time to decompress and think more about it I find my appreciation of my boyfriend has actually gone up with the realisation that friends to him matter deeply. If it were my own children in crisis, knowing he would stand up to help is great comfort.

Still, he ought to have consulted me over this rather than springing it upon me.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Thanks for all of your replies. I wrote this in haste out of feeling rather ticked. I still am; mostly that I wasn't consulted. It is so rare we have a difference of opinion I am sure he just assumed I wouldn't question this. Fortunately, it worked out. The boy was taken off the street and reunited with his father. Given time to decompress and think more about it I find my appreciation of my boyfriend has actually gone up with the realisation that friends to him matter deeply. If it were my own children in crisis, knowing he would stand up to help is great comfort.

Still, he ought to have consulted me over this rather than springing it upon me.

I agree with what you've posted above.

But above all else, I'm so pleased to read this has helped draw closer to his admirable qualities (just a bugger how it all had to happen though)

[Sarmas]

I think you're right. It was very nice of you to follow along but it can be expected again and habitual. I would express your feelings the next time and express yourself. There's nothing wrong for you doing so.

[Erebos]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

Thanks for all of your replies. I wrote this in haste out of feeling rather ticked. I still am; mostly that I wasn't consulted. It is so rare we have a difference of opinion I am sure he just assumed I wouldn't question this. Fortunately, it worked out. The boy was taken off the street and reunited with his father. Given time to decompress and think more about it I find my appreciation of my boyfriend has actually gone up with the realisation that friends to him matter deeply. If it were my own children in crisis, knowing he would stand up to help is great comfort.

Still, he ought to have consulted me over this rather than springing it upon me.

I am very glad to see this. He sounds like a good guy, and that you compliment each other nicely.
I wish you both all the best for the future.

I think you did a very noble thing. You saw it right through to the end, knowing how much it meant to your partner. And saying that you wouldn't let it be the case all the time when the dust settled. That boy will be so grateful for your help. You didn't judge him for his habit either. Now I know many in his boots would have robbed you blind the minute you turned your back as addicts, are fixated on one thing. So, yeah it is risky.
I never managed to convince my ex that "junkies" are people with real emotional troubles. He would admonish my mum in the pub for speaking to ex "junkies." My parents were never black and white, but i'm slowly trying to see things their way for some things. My ex's cousin died from heroin and he spoke of him like he was the devil incarnate.
But of course my doctors have me saddled with the, tends to "abuse alcohol" when not doing well.
I was never a good friend. I wish I had bonds with a friend like that. I know there's a line.
I had a pair of friends where one was the others lap dog. I vowed not to be taken advantage like that, so my female friendships all dissolved.