[charlesm]

Hi all,

I know this thread will sound bad. It's kind of pathetic in my opinion. Long story short, I met someone who I thought was quite attractive, and nice. And I was quite sure she was interested in me (running into me alot, smiling, feeling like she was going out of her way to see her).

We chatted a bit over text and FB messenger. We were developing a decent friendship. We never really hung out or anything, but I found myself doing nice things for her, putting an extra effort into making her laugh, etc. I was basically going back to the things I used to do for old relationships.

Through discussions and I can't remember how it came up, but she kind of mentioned she thought I was good looking but not really her type (prefers more "country"). That made me feel quite low on myself - I took it as her only saying I was good looking to be polite - and eventually I got quite sour and freaked her out quite a bit. Asking too many question on why, being needy, clingy, etc.

We are basically not talking now, but I can't get her out of my mind anywhere I go, or whatever I am doing. I know there is 0 chance of a relationship (she considers attraction a big thing) but I can't move on. I've tried thinking of other women, but she keeps coming up. I see her about 3 times a week and the other dya was bad as I thought she looked really good and couldn't help but think why am I not good enough for her.

I realize this is a bit of a self-esteem issue, and a bit of an obsessive issue. But I really don't know if anyone has any tips for forgetting about someone who doesn't like you, will never like you, etc. I feel ugly, no girls ever approach me, etc.

Anyway just looking for any sort of tips.

Thanks!

[charlesm]

So far I have done the best I can. I deleted messages from her, avoid checking her out on FB (we aren't FB friends) but sometimes find it difficult. I almost want to know she isn't with anyone but then realize it doesn't help my situation or if I did see someone with her it would make me feel worse.

I don't know this is hard to explain. I just feel terrible about my own looks, have never been one that is approached by women. I just am not sure how to make myself feel better, feel confident enough that I am better off with this person (she kind of ended it more or less and got all control).

[Open Eyes]

Just because someone tells you that you are not "their" type doesn't mean you are not good enough. Actually, when I went out with my friends, it was not a good thing if a friend was attracted to the same kind of guy I was attracted to. It was a lot more fun when my friends got to figure out the kind of guy I was attracted to and would say, "hey there is a guy that looks like your type". Yet, that never meant I thought other guys were ugly or not good enough. One thing I did worry about is if a friend had a big crush on some guy and he was more attracted to me than my friend. I had that happen a few times and it's SO awkward and it actually made my friend ANGRY with me and even consider me a threat.

Lots of famous actors are considered the be all and end all when in my opinion NO ATTRACTION on my part what so ever. So, just because a person doesn't find you attractive doesn't mean you aren't. The key is to find the one that does find you attractive that you also find attractive. So, that being said, let this one go because it's taking up too much space in your head and contributing to your having negative thoughts about yourself which is never healthy and is more often than not a total waste of your time and emotions.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It doesn't help that you continue to see her. Is she totally closed off to a friendship? Did you try to apologize? If it really is over, it will take time to process the loss (because you saw the two of you potentially getting together). It will take time. Eventually you will be interested in somebody who is more receptive.

[charlesm]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Just because someone tells you that you are not "their" type doesn't mean you are not good enough. Actually, when I went out with my friends, it was not a good thing if a friend was attracted to the same kind of guy I was attracted to. It was a lot more fun when my friends got to figure out the kind of guy I was attracted to and would say, "hey there is a guy that looks like your type". Yet, that never meant I thought other guys were ugly or not good enough. One thing I did worry about is if a friend had a big crush on some guy and he was more attracted to me than my friend. I had that happen a few times and it's SO awkward and it actually made my friend ANGRY with me and even consider me a threat.

Lots of famous actors are considered the be all and end all when in my opinion NO ATTRACTION on my part what so ever. So, just because a person doesn't find you attractive doesn't mean you aren't. The key is to find the one that does find you attractive that you also find attractive. So, that being said, let this one go because it's taking up too much space in your head and contributing to your having negative thoughts about yourself which is never healthy and is more often than not a total waste of your time and emotions.

Thank you - that helps. I guess it just surprised me as I know she thinks I am nice, that i'm good to her, and sweet. But she just doesn't want to see to commit to anything other than that. Even friendship is hard and in my opinion a slippery slope as she will one day be dating someone and that would crush me. I think with the feeling and attraction I had that it would be too hard to just be a friend.

But I just can't move on and don't know why. Like I try distracting myself - she comes up. I try exercising - she comes up. I go to an event - I wonder if I will run into her, etc. It's just a really strange feeling and I have no idea how to shake it.

[Bill3]

How is it that you see her three times per week? Might you reduce that, preferably to zero?

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by charlesm

Hi all,

I know this thread will sound bad. It's kind of pathetic in my opinion. Long story short, I met someone who I thought was quite attractive, and nice. And I was quite sure she was interested in me (running into me alot, smiling, feeling like she was going out of her way to see her).

We chatted a bit over text and FB messenger. We were developing a decent friendship. We never really hung out or anything, but I found myself doing nice things for her, putting an extra effort into making her laugh, etc. I was basically going back to the things I used to do for old relationships.

Through discussions and I can't remember how it came up, but she kind of mentioned she thought I was good looking but not really her type (prefers more "country"). That made me feel quite low on myself - I took it as her only saying I was good looking to be polite - and eventually I got quite sour and freaked her out quite a bit. Asking too many question on why, being needy, clingy, etc.

We are basically not talking now, but I can't get her out of my mind anywhere I go, or whatever I am doing. I know there is 0 chance of a relationship (she considers attraction a big thing) but I can't move on. I've tried thinking of other women, but she keeps coming up. I see her about 3 times a week and the other dya was bad as I thought she looked really good and couldn't help but think why am I not good enough for her.

I realize this is a bit of a self-esteem issue, and a bit of an obsessive issue. But I really don't know if anyone has any tips for forgetting about someone who doesn't like you, will never like you, etc. I feel ugly, no girls ever approach me, etc.

Anyway just looking for any sort of tips.

Thanks!

First of all, I don't think you sound the least bit pathetic! And second, if she told you she thought you were good looking she probably very well meant it. As a woman myself ( and I have self esteem issues too) I can tell you that there are all kinds of reasons why a woman doesn't connect with a man, some of which in no way reflect badly towards him. Drawing from my own experience there have been times when I felt a man was TOO good looking to be with me, believing that people would wonder what he was doing with someone like me, or I might feel socially out of place with someone due to financial status, or some skills or training higher than my own. Or feeling like she has too much baggage, or some other such issues. My point is there could be any number of reasons that she could have for her preference in men. But that doesn't have to mean that she didn't find you attractive or that there anything wrong on your part. I myself have a couple of male friends who I find highly attractive, really great guys that I just love to death, but we remain best friends and never try to cross that line. As close as we are it would just feel awkward to get with either of them for whatever reason. I don't know what to tell you that might help you get over her, but I hope that you don't let this make you feel bad about yourself. Don't let any woman define you, your worth, or how you see yourself.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by charlesm

So far I have done the best I can. I deleted messages from her, avoid checking her out on FB (we aren't FB friends) but sometimes find it difficult. I almost want to know she isn't with anyone but then realize it doesn't help my situation or if I did see someone with her it would make me feel worse.

I don't know this is hard to explain. I just feel terrible about my own looks, have never been one that is approached by women. I just am not sure how to make myself feel better, feel confident enough that I am better off with this person (she kind of ended it more or less and got all control).

I am a firm believer in the old saying, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. While some woman do like the "pretty boys" with perfect hair, skin, teeth, body, whatever.... others of us want the more approachable men. Men we can feel safe and comfortable with. Some of us are more drawn and attracted to they're personality or maybe just the way the smile or laugh. There are many things that can make a man irresistible to woman. Try not to get hung up on just one attribute or another. I'm sure that you have more than just good looks to offer. Don't sell yourself short.��

[avlady]

you sound like a nice and caring person who is just stuck in a rut of low self esteem. I'll bet anything you area good looking person but just need some social skills to work on. I am this way too. I don't like it when people go for just looks and it seems to me looks are not as important as personality for me. I love humor especially, and have seen some not so good looking guys who make me laugh and i fall for them.good luck!!

[MickeyCheeky]

I think she meant it when she said you're good looking.. otherwise I don't think she would have mentioned it at all. Trying to move on is hard so don't beat yourself up; keep trying. Cut communications from her, focus on your life.. it will take some time but I think you'll be able to move one. You can do it

[midnighthate]

Don't torture yourself they either like you or they don't. We all have to go through this sometimes but don't worry you'll get over it.

[charlesm]

Thanks all - I certainly am trying. It's just so random. She drives quite a common car so when I see that brand/model -she'll pop in. I'll wonder if I will run into her if I go places. I wake up in the mornings and am almost grumpy and feeling a pit in my stomach. It was just frustrating as she seemed to really enjoy talking to me (said so herself) but wouldn't want any sort of relationship with me because she likes more country looking people.

Deep down I know that i'm not going to change her mind and am wasting my time in my mind giving that thought, but I can't seem to move past. I almost get jealous thinking of her being with other guys and I know that isn't fair.

I'm sure time will help like you've all said. AS for avoiding altogether right now that isn't possible. I don't work with her, but when I goto work I go past her three times a week. The interactions are no longer so it is quick but just a bad reminder each and every time. It does not help trying to forget that's for sure.

Anyway - thank you all. Going to try and build up my self-esteem a bit as I do think that is the root cause of this issue. I've never approached women very often. am normally quiet, but was certain this one was interested in me because of my good traits of niceness, sense of humour, etc. When it came down to the style of my looks it just kind of kicked me a bit.

Thanks!

[Erebos]

As a woman who has nearly exclusively men as friends I can tell you now I find it very simple to consider someone good looking but have zero attraction to them myself.

My best friend is a sweet kind gentle soul, who is a good looking guy but there just isn't any click. It's not as simple as saying he isn't my type exactly. As I don't have a type.

But there just isn't any chemistry, attraction, spark.
He doesn't make my stomach flutter, I just can't think of him in that way.
But that in no way reflects on him. It simply means we aren't compatible in that way.

I am sorry your obsessing and I am afraid, other than keeping busy and throwing myself into new projects I don't know of any other way of distracting you from these kind of thoughts.
Hopefully time will help them pass.
All the best and take care.

[charlesm]

Thanks - I know I mentioned that I do run into her a few times a week. If I avoided altogether would that help? I believe I am doing the right things (i.e. not checking up on her fb, not messaging her anymore, deleting all history, etc). But then for example I will see a more country looking person and think bad about myself.

Speaking of which...I used to believe women were interested in me and I guess I kind of thrived thinking someone was into me (ego boost or something). But not being approached much for dates, and this fiasco has made me really start to feel lower about myself. How do you know if you are good looking, or ugly? I know this shouldn't bother me but it is lately for some reason.

Thanks.

[Bill3]

Yes I think it would help if you avoided her altogether.

[Open Eyes]

Going to try and build up my self-esteem a bit as I do think that is the root cause of this issue.

That's what is suffering the most IMHO here and you are obsessing over it too when you probably ARE a nice guy and SO WHAT if you are not the "country looking type" that's just not your thing, nothing wrong with that.

[charlesm]

Hi all,

Sorry to bump this again. I do really think this whole experience has really disrupted my self-esteem and hence I keep analyzing all of our past interactions, should have seen the signs earlier, etc.

Are there any articles or ways I can break out of this cycle? I feel quite down that someone wouldn't think I was good looking enough for them. I know that sounds superficial, but positive things that I know I am good at are not helping right now.

So I guess are there ways to improve self-esteem when knowing someone you thought liked you isn't into your looks?

Thanks!

[Bill3]

The way i see it is this.

It is not that you are not good enough.

It is that it is not the right match.

Gears mesh well with some gears but not with other gears. All gears are good enough when they have the right partner to mesh with.

[it'sgrowtime]

you are thinking the problem is that maybe you're not good looking enough, or that you have low self esteem... but, perhaps it's a problem with rejection?

Rejection feels awful. Everyone has to endure it from time to time. Hopefully after some time you will feel comfortable around this girl again. In the meantime, I think you could think of it all as developing your skill of dealing with rejection without taking rejection too personally, or to heart. It takes discipline to keep thoughts going in a positive direction when we feel bad. It takes practice. Rejection can overwhelm us, but it can be kept in its place, too.

It's not your fault she has a "type." That's her burden/choice. Hold out for someone you are completely compatible with. She seemed great, but then you found out she has a type right now. You can't work with that. You could say: yeah she's pretty and cool, but I can't work with her romantically because she has a "type."