[Scubamaster42]

Hello I am new to this forum (or posting on forums at all), so sorry if my post is all over the place.

I have had an anxiety disorder and OCD since middle school and it has recently been worse than it has been in a while. I try to reach out to friends for advice but it’s really hard to get advice from people who don’t understand how your mental illnesses work. It seems that a lot of times my anxiety worsens immensely when I am in a relationship and it deeply upsets me because I never know if I'm happy or if the relationship is right because my anxiety is stronger than any other emotions.

My first relationship with my high school boyfriend was the first to go wrong. Everything was great for the first few months, and then things went south when I started to doubt my feelings as well as get self conscious. One day I’d be stressed that he didn’t love me and I’d panic, and I would have major anxiety to the point of occasionally vomiting. I would also constantly question if I love him or not? I have always had a hard time grasping the concept of love even though I’ve felt it myself, love seems to be fleeting and it’s hard for me to be content with what I have and if I don’t feel “love feelings” all the time. I would also question my sexuality a lot even though I enjoyed sex with him, I would still obsess and obsess over it (which may be due to HOCD but I’m not sure?) Anyways, after around a year he broke up with me, a majority of the reason being because my anxiety was overtaking the relationship, and I didn’t fully realize that I loved him until he broke my heart and I was devastated for months, I lost about 15 pounds in 1 month from my intense anxiety and depression after the breakup.

Fast forward to a year later. I’m out of high school and going to college. My anxiety has almost completely diminished and I was feeling great, so I decided to make a big life change. I went from being born and raised and living my entire life on an island in the middle of the ocean, to moving to the biggest city in the entire country (a 12 hour flight from home) to go to school. Once I got to school I began getting major anxiety again. I was by myself and had no friends, and the first week I was in college a bomb went off a block away from me and triggered me to have a lot of anxiety about terrorism, bombs, and also major natural disasters. I would be constantly anxious the entire semester, it was a very unhappy period in my life.

After first semester I met my current boyfriend. We were friends for a while and I never expected us to start dating, but one night we drunkenly made out and he confessed feelings, and a few days later he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I wasn’t sure of my decision and for the first week didn’t think I liked him, but after getting to know him a bit better, I completely fell for him. I felt happier and more giddy with him than I ever did with my ex, we had lots of fun exploring the city together, getting to know one another, having good sex, and getting good food. My anxiety began to slowly dissipate again until it was almost gone, almost completely thanks to him.
We dated seriously for about 2 months before summer break began. Then I had to go back to my small home, and he is from another country all the way in Asia, so he had to fly back there. We would chat and talk everyday but I began to slowly grow anxious again while being away from him. “do I even love him?” “why don’t I feel happy with him right now” “does he even care about you?” All these thoughts would creep back up in my head just like they did in my previous relationship.

During the middle of summer, he flew all the way out to my home to see me. When he visited, things felt completely different than they did when we were in the city together. I was extremely anxious to introduce him to friends and family because I was scared of their opinions since he’s foreign and has a different mentality and style than anyone here. I also didn’t feel as giddy or mushy and romantic or “in love” as I did in the city, it was almost like the feelings had vanished. I also noticed we got into more petty arguments and I got randomly irritated at him for no reason which never really happened before. I also noticed myself getting jealous and start obsessing and getting paranoid about if he was cheating on me, because when he texts anyone I can’t read it since english isn’t his first language he texts most people in his first language. I can’t lie we did have some fun moments when he visited but I just don’t quite feel the same “in love” feelings as before. I can’t tell if its just because we are in a completely different environment, if my anxiety is just overruling all my other feelings, or if I’m just not in love. I just want to have these feelings back because the thought of not being with him really hurts me and makes me extremely upset. I care about him and really think I do love him but I’m just so confused. He’s so nice to me and understanding of my anxiety, but I’m getting to the point where I don’t know if I can be in a relationship because the anxiety is taking over my life, and it really hurts me, I just want an answer but can’t seem to find it.

Sorry again if this post is all over the place, I never get my feelings out to anyone in person so all my emotions just exploded out onto this post. Any advice or maybe experiences that any of you have had would help me a lot, I really need it. Thank you.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. Are you on medication to help with your anxiety? What about a therapist to get to the bottom of it? I have anxiety myself and it's tough.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Scubamaster: Since this is your first post here on PC... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

I'm sorry I'm not really able to offer you any first-hand advice. However here are links to 2 articles on the subject of relationship anxiety, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some help as you work to come to terms with what you are experiencing:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...nship-anxiety/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/welln...-relationship/

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!