It's hard to write about this without sounding ungracious.

I will say up front that my husband is a loving, caring partner and we've been together over 20 years - there is a lot that is good about our relationship.

He is however single minded to put it kindly, stubborn to put it less so. If he has decided something there will be no discussion, I will be told and that is that. He is right and that is all there is to it.

An recent example. He is long retired and for all of that time he has played (performed) music. He is a capable musician and music has always been a part of his life, it was a big part of his (good) recovery from brain injury.

Today he announced out of the blue that he is leaving the band (he has been with over 40 years. I understand his reasons, he feels it is old and no longer gives him joy). I am however concerned about what he intends to do with his time. People need things to challenge and stimulate them imo, I have seen intelligent people drop occupations and hobbies and deteriorate through lack of stimulation and focus.

I did try to open a dialogue along the lines of had he thought about what he would like to do with his time but he shut it right down. This is a typical reaction.

In the end I told him I love and care for him and that is why I voice a concern. He seemed to accept this but the conversation was shut down.

This is fairly typical of how he handles issues. It's opposite of me. I tend to seek input especially from him on my life decisions.

It is an integral part of his character but it is hard to deal with conversations being shut down with "That's how it is". I know he'll never change but could do with some strategies on how to cope with his stubborness.

At the back of my mind I am concerned this trait is getting more entrenched as he is ageing and worry that with less to occupy him it will become more so.

I have always felt like my H is stubborn too but after some soul searching, I have come to realize, that I am too.

You say your H just made this announcement today. Maybe he needs to think on it more before discussing. I do think that women work out their feelings more via "talking" than many men do. For instance, my husband hates to hear me complain about something that he can't fix.

I have been trying really hard to talk less and be a better listener. Your concerns are valid but if you talk to much about these worries out loud to him--it will just "activate" his stubborness. He's going to have to find his motivation internally. Perhaps with all the new quiet time, he will eventually find something new. Your anxiety may be effecting you. It is wonderful that you fill your life with exercise, volunteering, work, etc. everyday but maybe it is OK to live life more slowly as well. To bad the pills that stop us from worrying are so bad for us......

Thanks. Yes my anxiety definitely has a part to play in this, I do tend to worry about those I care about and I think he finds that irritating.

I do try hard to be balanced and did make an effort to keep calm when he shut down the conversation. I do find the being shut down anxiety triggering in itself.

I will respect his wishes and not talk about it anymore. I really hope he will find other social and stimulating activities to do. We are getting to empty nest stage and I'm aware that is going to leave a big gap, probably more so for him because he is the one who spends more time at home than me. He gets a lot of stimulation and company from our son but that will soon be much less.

[Bill3]

How well did he handle the transition from working to retirement?

Tbh Bill3 not that well, he was already drinking more than was healthy and when he retired he began to drink way more than healthy. This was just before I met him. I should add he retired very young, he was given an excellent retirement package.

He did eventually cut back on the drinking (after becoming very ill). I don't think he would start drinking again however, his life has changed a lot since then - he has our son now for one thing.

[MuseumGhost]

Oh, prefab, I can relate to your situation with your husband so well. Mine is stubborn (and growing more so, the older he gets) and also a workaholic, with a pretty bad case of testosterone-induced tunnel vision, and selective hearing.

My opinion on just about everything matters less and less all the time. Only rarely does he pause long enough to consider my point of view. (He has been turning into my father-in-law now for the last 10 years, in spite of promises to never do so!...and it is terribly upsetting for me at times.)

I also suspect that for a while now, when I do speak, he just nods and says uh-huh, to go along & get along. He probably couldn't repeat what I just told him, however, on a million dollar bet!

He is a good man. He is a hard worker. He is kind and isn't chasing things that have no value. But he is on another planet, most of the time; and when it's my turn for input, or should be, he just completely loses interest. His eyes glaze over like a zombie, and I really lose hope at moments like those.

So I have learned, by degrees, to become a better listener. And I have made up my mind that distancing myself a bit from him, and letting him see that I have different things that matter to me, has been one way of pulling him back into my orbit. He had to learn that I am not here to be at his beck and call----which is how he was starting to think of me, and which made it easier to ignore me when frankly, my opinions were not wanted. Instead, he is beginning to understand that my inner life and my thoughts are something he will have to seek out, and value, if he wants help with anything.

Fortunately, for our relationship, he has also learned to say those priceless words, he should have listened to me, "way-back-when.". It only happens once in awhile, but I'll take it....

It's tough to try and change old habits after you've been with someone for so long. Holy cow, I know this so well. Patterns form, and they're tough (and scary) to break. But as we are constantly (however gradually) always changing ourselves, I think minor overhauls of how we think about things, and how we conduct ourselves, are sometimes called-for.

You seem very sensitive, kind, and intelligent. I am certain he will turn to you before too long.

[eskielover]

If it doesn't work for him, he can decide how he best needs to handle it. Know you are married but those personal involvements in life are just that....PERSONAL. He has probably been thinking about this silently without your even knowing it for quite some time & not a spur of the moment decision like it looks like to you....just because he never discussed it with you. Let him work it out. It's not critical like deciding to quit working & seriously affecting income.

Some personal things we just get to almost a burn out feeling after so many years....he will sort out his needs.

Your replies have given me something to think about.

Writing about his previous drinking problem made me realise my feelings may be bound up in this. It was an awful time and one that I felt powerless in. I was the naive woman who believed that love would make everything better - but it doesn't. It wasn't until I wrote my reply to Bill3 I realised how much of these old fears are still there. Perhaps deep down I am worried that he will again end up in a destructive pattern.

You are so right Eskie, only he can work this out. I have to have faith in him. I do wish he'd confide/consult me more often but that's not how he is. I get the burnout thing, I am phasing out a volunteer project myself which I used to love and no longer feel it is what it was - my way is to talk over and process that way, his way is to silently figure out alone - you are right this must have been in his thoughts a long while.

Sorry you've had the same issues Museum Ghost, that's good you are becoming a better listener, this is an exercise in learning that's for sure.

[Teddy Bear]

Hopefully he'll find a new hobby.

[Molinit]

I can tell you that if he has a history of heavy alcohol use (even intermittently) and has suddenly decided he's giving up something he used to love, I'd suspect an underlying dementia that is affecting his ability to learn/retain/play music and instead of addressing that he's choosing to end the hobby.

Thanks, I'll bear that in mind but not so sure about the dementia hunch. I have a lot of experience of dementia (volunteered many years in that sector) and I don't see any signs. I should add he does play music informally with friends still.

The band thing I do understand. In recent years it hasn't been the same, many members left etc, gigs are sporadic. He says he just doesn't enjoy it anymore.

Update for anyone who is interested.

We had a good afternoon with his friends playing an informal session in a cafe, he thrives in that atmosphere and this reassured me how important music still is to him.

Afterwards we had a relaxed chat, it was good, he was not defensive and I was able to ask him some more about his decision to leave the band. He explained that he enjoys the natural free flowing sessions like this afternoon but finds the band increasingly formal, less fun, amplified (as opposed to accoustic).

I really hope he can keep those informal sessions regularly as I can see how much good he gets from them. I understand much more why he does not want to be in a formal band.

I think this has been partly about our differing styles of communication/processing, partly about his stubborness yes, but also partly about my anxiety triggers (I really do try to keep a grip of those but don't always succeed).

I do appreciate having here to come and sound out my thoughts and thank the community for that.

[eskielover]

That sounds good....his area of interest has changed as the environment changed.....sounds logical. Glad you had time to sit down & just talk naturally.

Yes, differing ways on communicating is always challenging & that difference you encountered is NORMAL between most men & women. Women talk through finding a solution where men usually think is through....glad you had a good talk to understand better where his thoughts are coming from.

You mentioned a prior brain injury. Could this behaviour possibly be affected by that?

He made a very good recovery from the injury but he is left with some subtle issues - I don't think the stubborness is one of them though as he was like that before.

[Sirensong18]

I may not be in the best position to offer advice, but I just wanted to reach out and say you're not alone. My husband is also very stubborn. Basically if he thinks he's right about something, there is nothing I or anyone else can do to dissuade him. Sometimes this is a good quality, it gives him motivation to keep working towards his goals despite outside criticism. But it can also be a bad thing.

You and I are both in a worrying situation where we take our spouse's input into consideration when making life decisions... but our spouses don't always extend us the same courtesy. Unfortunately I have no idea what to do about that...

Anyway, I offer you digital hugs because that's all I have to give

[divine1966]

This thread gave me food for thought. I often don't consult with my spouse and make big decisions all on my own and I am stubborn. I sound like your spouses. Makes me think my husband feels like those of you with the kind of spouses. He addresses that with me sometimes but I slip right back into the pattern. I need to be more mindful.

Thanks Divine, that is really good you recognise that pattern within yourself and that you want to change it for your spouse.

My H also recognises he is like this but tells me it is just how he is and I have to accept it. He worked a high level managerial role and I think this trait was possibly a strength in that, he has always been very independent too. It can be a great strength to make quick decisions certainly and independently - but as you say in marriage these days most people expect discussion and compromise.

Most of the time I make light of it, for example if we eat out he will always choose the table - if I choose it he will usually pick fault and insist we move, as a consequence if I go out with other people I naturally stand and wait for them to pick the table, something that is pretty ridiculous and makes me laugh at myself. My point is these things do impact on how we interact especially after many years.

You are very recently married, I think it's fantastic you address these things now.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

Thanks Divine, that is really good you recognise that pattern within yourself and that you want to change it for your spouse.

My H also recognises he is like this but tells me it is just how he is and I have to accept it. He worked a high level managerial role and I think this trait was possibly a strength in that, he has always been very independent too. It can be a great strength to make quick decisions certainly and independently - but as you say in marriage these days most people expect discussion and compromise.

I just booked a mini vacation yesterday (for both of us), DH was happy with it but I'd be pissed if he just booked vacations without consulting. I think in my situation I was single a lot after my first marriage and got into a habit of making my own choices and not consulting, now being married again I have to be mindful. I think it's also something to do with personality types. But regardless, I agree that compromise snd discussions are important.

[lizardlady]

I can understand your husband wanting to give up the band. Something similar happened with me. I used to train and show horses. I loved it. As time passed it got to be more and more "work" and less and less fun. I stopped showing. I still have a horse. I still ride, but it is for the sheer fun of it. It sounds like your husband is having similar feelings. He still likes to play. He just doesn't want the downside of being in a band any more.

It's good that the two of you were able to discuss what's going on with him. That said, as I read the thread I kept thinking that women tend to want to process/talk about a problem and men tend to want to fix the problem. Good that you were able to both communicate what was going on for you.